Can't stop thinking about him

[Battleshiphips]

13 years ago when I met my now DH I also met another guy around the same time. I was already with my DH (my bf then) when I started getting to know this other guy better. We just clicked and he got me like no one ever has before. DH and I split for 2 weeks and immediately this other guy emailed me to say he liked me and wanted to see how things went with us. I really liked him so said yes but then my DH wanted us to try again. I spoke to the other guy and explained the situation and said I was sorry but I wanted to make things work with DH. We eventually got married and have just celebrated our 10th anniversary. I dearly love my husband and our ds but recently I have been thinking about this guy and getting upset. He has never met anyone else and for all these years has remained single. Part of me wonders if this is my fault as I now realise I must've hurt him deeply. The connection between us was incredible. There is a possibility that I will see him sometime this year (I've only seen him once in the last 10 years) and I am really happy but scared at the thought of this. I love my DH so much and we are the perfect match but this is driving me mad and I cannot tell anyone in RL about it. I don't know how to get him out of my head and I feel like I'm being unfaithful to my lovely DH ?? I feel so sad about this guy and sad that I never gave us the chance but at the same time I am extremely happy with my DH. Feel like I am going crazy and just needed to get it off my chest.

I think this is a classic case of the grass is greener.

The grass is greener where you water it.

The guys relationship status for the past ten years is neither your fault or responsibility.

I know the grass isn't greener because I am totally in love with my DH and we have a fantastic life and relationship. I think in all honesty it's only just hit me that I really hurt this guy, don't know why I hadn't realised it in all these years! Think that's what's upsetting me! I know 100% that if given the chance at least on my part nothing would happen. I just wished he'd found someone to be happy with.

It seems a bit self centred to assume he's not in a relationship because you upset him ten years ago by turning him down! He might just quite like being single. I'm a bit that people think like this tbh!

Sorry I don't post on here much so maybe should've said more in original post. We have mutual friends and I found out about a year ago from one of them that he had moved to the other side of the country not long after it happened because he couldn't bear seeing me with DH. I thought he'd moved for a job! Also I know at least 5 of those years he was single because he couldn't get over me. Not sure why as I'm nothing special! I've had 3 bereavements in 3 weeks recently and I've been brooding on things. I'm not assuming he has been single because of me but I now realise I hurt him badly and it's upset me. Possibly amplified by other things in my life at present.

He really needs to build a bridge or seek therapy!

You didn't really know this other man though. He didn't really know you. It takes a long time to know someone so I doubt that you hurt him that badly. Maybe he is single cause he likes playing the field. He may have many women but not want to ever get serious with them. Perhaps he is tge type that comes accross as " intense" as his way of getting the ladies but goes off them quickly too. You poss had a lucky escape by choosing your DH.

I'm pretty sure DH would be off with someone the next day if we ever split! Haha. He's a lovely chap and I'd no idea I'd hurt him so badly. He probably is just enjoying being single as pp said. I didn't mean to come across as self centred! Im pretty ?? that he was that bad over it in the first place. I'll put it down to having to deal with grief at the minute. I'm crying over all kinds of unexpected things.

That was meant to be a face sorry.

I'd say it is the grief and stress that is causing things to distort and amplify your feelings. It's normal even though you feel such strong emotions. Crying is good as it let's it out. Try planning nice things for yourself like a good book to read or making plans to change the lounge decor or something

Lailoo I think your right, I started crying as I read what you'd wrote. I'll spend some time with my lovely hubby this afternoon and let him know how I feel. It feels like an unexplained sadness over stupid things. Thanks.

I'm sure after 13 years he has moved on even if he was hurt at the time.

You didn't do anything dreadful or deliberate to hurt him from what you say.

Im so glad that my few words could help Battle. Im going through something similar so understand a bit how you may feel.

Sometimes when our life feels shit we can look back at narrowly missed opportunities and wonder if we'd taken that path if life would be less painful now. I wouldn't make any decisions for at least 6 months when some of the grieving has settled down. One thing to hold onto for now is back then you chose your DH, when you had the choice you chose him and did that for a reason. Nobody stays single because one person hurt them, you are not responsible for that, that would have been for many reasons which in itself might be a red flag to you anyway. Sit it out.