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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

So sick of DH's stupid lies

44 replies

MythicalChicken · 03/05/2015 04:20

We have been together for over 10 years. DH is very laid-back, never gets angry, a bit unmotivated. We've had a lot of stress since we've been together, mainly due to financial problems and lack of communication. We have 2 DCs.

DH lies about stupid stuff constantly. The last example was yesterday. He told me that his client had offered to take us all out for a late lunch to a nice restaurant (this is true). We had quite a lot planned, but we could definitely fit it in. They hadn't confirmed the time so in the morning I suggested he call him. He sent him a text instead. We waited all day for Client to get back to confirm the time. In the meantime, we went to a shopping centre and I bought myself a cheap dress, but one that was suitable for a nice lunch (I only had jeans). All day I kept asking him if Client had got in touch. All day he told me he hadn't.

He got a text at 1.30 pm and I thought I saw Client's name on his phone, but DH didn't say anything. I kept asking and asking, and he kept saying he hadn't been in touch.

It turned out he had. Client had texted to ask if we could make it earlier. After lie upon lie upon lie, DH finally admitted that he didn't want to go so lied about not getting the text. To him and us.

I am furious. Why not just bloody tell me?

This isn't the first time he's done something like this. In fact, our whole relationship has been based on lies. For the first couple of years we were together, I was convinced his family didn't like me. He insisted they loved me, thought I was great, etc. then I read a text from his sister saying "you know none of us can stand MythicalChicken…". He lied recently about one of his mates coming to work for the company when I knew he'd turned the job down. He kept the lie going for weeks. It's such a stupid lie, why do it?

The thing is, because he lies so much I can't trust him. There have been a couple of times over the years where he has been on a business trip and I haven't been able to get hold of him. I don't think he'd cheat on me, but giving his form for lying, I just don't know.

I feel shut out from his life and very, very lonely. I have no friends where we live and am very isolated. I told him I'd had enough and I want a divorce. He said he doesn't want that. Unfortunately, DS aged 10 heard and now he's crying.

Thanks for reading. It's good to get it out. I don't know what to do but counselling is out as there is nothing like that here.

OP posts:

Christinayangstwistedsister · 03/05/2015 11:32

Have you started saving to come home?

ImperialBlether · 03/05/2015 11:39

I'm really concerned that you refer to yourself as trailer trash. Why do you do that? Is it your background you're referring to?

Since you've been married you and he have lived together, in the same home, eaten the same things, presumably, and done things together. Why are you then trailer trash while he's above you?

Is this something he ever refers to?

Do you believe of all of us that how we're brought up is how we are, that we're incapable of change? Really? So if someone on MN was brought up in a very poor and violent environment and made the most of her education and held down a good job, you'd call her trailer trash?

ImperialBlether · 03/05/2015 11:40

And why do his family not like you? Is that because of their prejudices towards the environment you were born into?

Original poster

MythicalChicken · 03/05/2015 13:43

I have good self-esteem and never use the term 'trailer trash', I was just trying to paint a picture. I am proud of my colourful background and how well I have done in spite of it.

His family don't like me because he was very close to his sister before I came along. She was very jealous of our relationship. Unfortunately, she is the favoured child and whatever she says goes. The PIL just went along with it.

OP posts:

IKnitSoIDontKill · 03/05/2015 14:08

I had a husband like this. I divorced him. It was just so so tiring, never knowing if he was yelling the truth, and feeling like I had to check things. The last straw was him lying about the baby- eg. telling me she ate her lunch when she didn't, or that he had taken her out when he hadn't. It's no way to live, and shows a total lack of respect for you. By lying he is taking away your choices.

IKnitSoIDontKill · 03/05/2015 14:09

telling the truth that should say

pocketsaviour · 03/05/2015 14:10

It sounds like he has a very dysfunctional childhood and that is "leaking" out now with these stupid lies.

I think the root is probably a terror of you ever knowing the "real" him as he thinks he is a useless, unworthy person and if you knew who he really was you would leave him.

Does he admit that he has a problem with the lying? Or does he just blank you off when you confront him?

If you are outside the UK it's still possible to access therapy via Skype sessions, so if he does admit there is a problem, help is available.

Otherwise, I would in your shoes be thinking very hard about whether I wanted my children to grow up in a house where lying was commonplace. That's a very insecure basis for a child to endure - how can they ever trust their parent to even be telling the truth about "I love you"?

RL20 · 03/05/2015 14:13

Hope you're ok. Just passing through to say that you're not alone. I don't have a 10 year old but do have a 13 day old and my OH also pisses me off with his lies!

Original poster

MythicalChicken · 03/05/2015 14:13

He doesn't see the lying as any big deal. He said about his Client that it was stupid to lie, but didn't fully appreciate the gravity of it. DS and I spent all day waiting to go out to this nice restaurant. DH even came with me to buy a new dress! He says he didn't realise the dress was to wear that day.

The problem is that I don't trust him. There have been a few incidences over the years where I think he may have been unfaithful. I honestly don't think he's the type, but you never know.

How can I have a future with a man I cannot trust?

OP posts:

Original poster

MythicalChicken · 03/05/2015 14:15

Hey RL20, congrats on your new bubba! What kinds of things does your DH lie about?

OP posts:

aintnothinbutagstring · 03/05/2015 14:43

Hi OP, didn't you have a thread where you wanted to come back to UK? How is that going? How would that work if you divorce, as far as I know, a parent can't uproot resident children to move back to home country without the approval of the other parent. I really feel for you, did you say you don't have health insurance too? Could you perhaps seek some advice from a solicitor who specialises in international law? Best of luck to you.

Original poster

MythicalChicken · 03/05/2015 14:57

Yes, that's me. Looks like I'll be coming home alone .

OP posts:

aintnothinbutagstring · 03/05/2015 15:54

Well don't throw the baby out with the bathwater just yet. How much do you want to divorce? Is it something that could be solved by mediation or counselling? His lies sound like a frustrating situation, but you also point to his lack of confidence. Other than that, do you feel he loves you, respects you? Is there anything you can work on?

With regards to your wanting to come home. It seems that might not be a great idea for you right now. If you divorce, yes it's very possible you may come home alone. Can you improve your situation where you are? It sounds like you are self employed? Would it be better for you to look for an employed position which might improve your situation re health insurance as often the two are linked (if you're somewhere like US). It would also open your social arena so more opportunities to make friends. Why no friends? School mums? I know if US, people use church very much for socialising, even if not religious particularly. It sounds like you're extremely isolated, this could be down to your position as expat, your dh obviously has not helped your isolation by lying and turning down opportunities to socialise or your in-law situation.

Original poster

MythicalChicken · 03/05/2015 16:33

To be honest, I'm a bit scared if he did own up to all the lies he has told, what would he tell me? He's so secretive I have no idea what's hidden in his head.

I told him just now I want him to leave and he agreed. Was expecting a bit more of a fight, tbh.

Feeling very sad. I also had some devastating news a couple of hours ago that I can't post on here. Feel like our lives are crumbling.

OP posts:

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 03/05/2015 20:07

MythicalChicken: I grew up in the English middle class, just wealthy enough for private schooling. Perfect for turning out fuckups, brutes and perverts.

A warrior culture? Mostly marginal farmers, whose men leave to join armies to send cash home. Scots and Irish in the UK, Gurkhas here and India, Corsicans and Gascons in France, Southerners in the US. They put a high value on truth as lies can get you killed. Pretty Neanderthal, but good company when sober.

CalleighDoodle · 03/05/2015 20:12

Read the thread on passive aggressive husbands.

helenamay · 03/05/2015 20:22

If he had said he didn't want to go out with Client, then fine. Why lie?

His lying in this instance is passive aggressive - it's a way of getting what he wants without direct communication or negotiation.

Does much of the rest of it fit this pattern?

Was expecting a bit more of a fight, tbh.

Again, it sounds as though he has a serious problem with direct expression of his wants or needs.

I'm sorry that you're having such a tough time, and for your devastating news.

helenamay · 03/05/2015 20:27

(The lack of motivation and financial problems also fit with passive aggression.)

RL20 · 03/05/2015 21:50

MythicalChicken just things in general like saying he wasn't going to stay out late on Friday night as he went to a wake. Well he ended up getting back at 6.30am. You know, things like that!

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