Teenage daughter's boyfriend troubles

[Supermim]

My 17 year old daughter, currently studying for her A levels, has a boyfriend of the same age who suffers from anxiety/depression. For the past month or so he has been holed up in his bedroom, refusing to leave the house. He has given up an apprenticeship due to panic attacks and so is now also jobless. She stays with him every weekend and doesn't seem bothered about being stuck with him in his room, eating junk food and watching TV. At the moment she is still focused on her school work and is getting good grades in her mocks, but I am very worried that she will fall into the pit with him and give up her education. This, also, is not the life I want for my daughter..

He's a nice boy, bright and witty when he's well, and I do feel for him having myself had a nervous breakdown in the past. Every time I try to broach the subject with her she is both defensive and dismissive of my concerns. She is studying psychology and aspires to eventually become a psychologist, and she does tend to gravitate towards people with mental health issues as they obviously interest her. This has now also become a love interest and I think she feels it her duty to support him and look after him. I do admire her for this, but at the same time want something better for her - she should be out enjoying herself in her spare time, not stuck in a room!

Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this - she is very stubborn, determined and strong willed and when she has her mind set on something it is virtually impossible to persuade her otherwise.

Can I say it.... Make sure you have the contraception chat.

Incidentally, she sounds great. Must be down to you. Sadly doesn't sound like there's much more you can do, she sounds smart, compassionate, well rounded and quite able to see past what others wouldn't. Do you know of any local services you/she could signpost him too? Maybe Google See Me?

Teenagers can have these kinds of relationships without it affecting their future prospects. As far as the boy is concerned, he sounds v much like my DS at that age. He worked through it & is fine now.
Don't try to discourage your daughter -won't work! As long as she is ok & doing well, just keep an eye on it & maintain open lines of communication.

I left home at 15 to emotionally support a 23 year old man with long term mental health problems. I was very strong willed and had a volatile relationship with parents so it was all a bit pear shaped for a while. But I truly thought I was in love and anything they said only reinforced that they 'didn't understand' etc. I wish I didn't now have to say that they were right. He dragged me down for 5 years and effectively stole my adolescence. MH is by its very nature a selfish disease, I was very much EA by him and his illness and my own MH suffered as a result. It might not be his fault and it's sad but it's true and your DD needs someone putting her first as she may not be able to do it for herself. It took me five years to realise this did not have to be my life. Two years on I still struggle with the mess it left me in. Never in a million years would I have seen it having this effect on me, I thought I could handle it. Maybe she genuinely can, I don't know.

I would have a very honest discussion, no negative words about her OH. Just make sure she knows that it's okay to leave if she wants to, she shouldn't feel guilty because he has MH issues. It's hard to support someone suffering and it doesn't make her a bad person if she can't or doesn't want to. If she says no I'm fine, take her at her word and support in whatever way she needs. Just make sure she knows there is an alternative and it is okay, just in case.

She should be supported to understand that it should not be her responsibility to help him with his mental health, she should instead help him access professional help, the first step being for him to speak to his doctor.
If she wants to go into the caring or therapeutic professions she will need to develop understanding about boundaries and healthy relationships. Of course that will come more with time, but for now maybe helping her understand that the best way to help him is to support him to help himself by accessing appropriate mental health support, rather than her trying to be the one that 'fixes' him.