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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Teenage daughter's boyfriend troubles

9 replies

Supermim · 02/05/2015 23:05

My 17 year old daughter, currently studying for her A levels, has a boyfriend of the same age who suffers from anxiety/depression. For the past month or so he has been holed up in his bedroom, refusing to leave the house. He has given up an apprenticeship due to panic attacks and so is now also jobless. She stays with him every weekend and doesn't seem bothered about being stuck with him in his room, eating junk food and watching TV. At the moment she is still focused on her school work and is getting good grades in her mocks, but I am very worried that she will fall into the pit with him and give up her education. This, also, is not the life I want for my daughter..

He's a nice boy, bright and witty when he's well, and I do feel for him having myself had a nervous breakdown in the past. Every time I try to broach the subject with her she is both defensive and dismissive of my concerns. She is studying psychology and aspires to eventually become a psychologist, and she does tend to gravitate towards people with mental health issues as they obviously interest her. This has now also become a love interest and I think she feels it her duty to support him and look after him. I do admire her for this, but at the same time want something better for her - she should be out enjoying herself in her spare time, not stuck in a room!

Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this - she is very stubborn, determined and strong willed and when she has her mind set on something it is virtually impossible to persuade her otherwise.

OP posts:
holeinmyheart · 03/05/2015 09:38

Hi, this is so awful for you as you love your children so much. I have been there.
Unfortunately you can't do or say anything. 17 year olds know everything. All you can do is support her by not getting involved.
She has already told you clearly that she doesn't want your advice and unfortunately we can't live our DCs lives for them.
Eventually it will resolve itsself.
My DCs, now they are adults, sometimes discuss their various mistakes they made along the way. We have all been there, and we had to learn from our own mistakes.
Our DCs, pick people to suit them selves and not us, Damn!

TurnItIn · 03/05/2015 09:44

Would you say the same things if the BF had cancer or some other disease?

At 17 my boyfriend and I spent much of our time "stuck in my room". Neither of us were ill we just wanted to snog our faces off.

You need to tread very lightly here, honestly. 17 is a very odd and difficult age and you don't want to push her away. I'm presuming she'll be off to uni next year?

Tequilashotsfor1 · 03/05/2015 09:52

As long as her grades are good back off a bit.

My eldest dd is 20 this year and I've become very good at biting my tongue. Her boyfriend is very PA and when I used to talk to her about it she would get defensive.

Now I don't say anything that could be seen as negative towards him. So she talks to me so much more about him than she Used to which puts me in a better position to try and give her 'advice' .

Keep an eye on it, ask how he is ect...

ragged · 03/05/2015 10:17

I stopped seeing some family members because their craziness was so bad for my mental health. That was lots of people including my mother (still an authority figure). I doubt boyf. is as bad as that, but I still understand OP's worries.

I think this is an occasion where your role is mostly as role model & sounding board. I would probably choose a few choice messages to try to say, like "Just because you love someone doesn't mean you can or must try to fix them." And for me it's easy to talk about protecting my own sanity before I could help anyone else. Good luck.

Roussette · 03/05/2015 10:38

If your DD is stubborn, determined and strong willed, she will be absolutely fine! My DD had a 2 year relationship with a boy who struggled a lot with his mental health. I never realised quite how bad it was until he was staying with us once and I got chatting with him. He's a lovely lad, he just struggles.

Maybe my DD felt she could 'save' her bf, I have no idea. All I know is, I knew it would work itself out because she is feisty and go-getting and in time she would either realise it wasn't working or perhaps he would venture out a bit more. He couldn't take a train, a bus, or go abroad because of stress issues and my DD loves travelling. They did split up but it was all very amicable and they've got a great friendship now, she helps him with job applications etc!

When you say 'this isn't the life I want for my daughter', you are jumping the gun here! She is only 17 and they aren't married with kids! Trust your DD.

Joysmum · 03/05/2015 10:38

Ask her to read up on people who are rescuers. She sounds like she's one.

Lweji · 03/05/2015 10:48

If your DD is stubborn, determined and strong willed, she will be absolutely fine!

Actually, that is no guarantee that she will be fine.

I'd say that you can only give her the tools to make up her own mind and stay out of it as much as possible. She may well feel that she has to stay with him because you are against it.
Has she actually read up on anxiety and depression?

Supermim · 03/05/2015 13:13

Thank you all - extremely helpful advice. I will back off and just be there for her when she wants to talk about it.

OP posts:
paxtecum · 03/05/2015 19:28

My DD met her XH when she was 17. I didn't think he was right for her, but didn't tell her that.
She's now divorced.
We have discussed 'should I have tried to put her off him' and her answer was that she certainly wouldn't have taken any notice of me.

As others have said 17 year olds know everything and parents just know nothing.

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