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Relationships

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Original poster

Should I consider this man 'off limits'?

16 replies

Ladycarla · 02/05/2015 15:23

I need some advice about a man I've developed feelings for over the last 9 months or so.

Will try to keep it short. Basically, I've known him for about 7 or 8 years. We met when our DDs became friends and he was married at the time, although I was aware from fairly early on that the marriage was a bit volatile. Him and his wife sparafed about 18 months ago and I think the divorce is now final.

Even though I have been single for the last 4/5 years, I'd never thought of him in that 'way' until about a year ago when I bumped into him on a night out and he was a bit flirty with me. I backed off, mainly because it took me by surprise, but also because he was fairly recently separated.

We've crossed paths a few times since then and each time I'm finding myself being drawn to him more. He sent me a friend request on FB this week which made me feel like a teenager, given how pleased it made me.

Anyway - sorry, failed on the keeping it short bit - onto the 'off limits' question. I am going to an event in a couple of weeks and expect him to be there. Part of me really wants to let him know I'm interested, however I do wonder if the fact that I also know his EW is an issue. I would never have called her a friend, and our contact was only ever related to our DDs. They are less close than they were so I hVdn't seen her for several months and neither of us contacts the other at all. We have nothing in common so really have no reason to do so. Problem is, because I have known her for years, and the DD connection, I feel that if anything did happen with this man I like, she, and many others would view it really badly.

Should I just write this one off? I know that I don't even know where he's coming from on this, but I'm in the mindset that I need to know one way or the other so I can move on.

OP posts:

Ouchbloodyouch · 02/05/2015 15:28

I wouldn't write him off if she wasn't a friend. I'd be more concerned about the volatile marriage. That being said I had a volatile relationship in the past (not violent) we were a dreadful fit.

Tiptops · 02/05/2015 15:29

I don't think knowing his EW as an acquaintance is reason alone to steer clear of him. Would be different if friendship with her was involved, but given you only know her through the children I don't see the problem.

Original poster

Ladycarla · 02/05/2015 15:34

Ouch, the marriage doesn't worry me. I know the reasons why (have heard from several separate sources) but don't want to go into them her in case I out one of us!

OP posts:

juneau · 02/05/2015 15:41

So are your DDs classmates, or do they know one another from an outside activity? I think it could be very weird and awkward if they're classmates and you then have to see the EW regularly at school events. If its from ballet or guides or something like that though I think the issue is less relevant and less liable to create gossip among other mums who know you both.

ALaughAMinute · 02/05/2015 15:41

I don't think you've got anything to worry about. Go for it! Good luck!

Lweji · 02/05/2015 15:46

It has been a good time since they have separated, she was not really a friend, if he didn't cheat on her and wasn't abusive, then go for it.

If she is going to view it badly, she will any woman. As for others, I bet it's not anyone that really matters to you.

Original poster

Ladycarla · 02/05/2015 15:47

Juneau, our DDs have been best friends for several years, however things have cooled over the last year as they seem to be heading in different directions. They are both 17 and as of next year will be in different schools/colleges so contact is likely to reduce further and we wouldn't bump into each other at events, although we live in the same area, so could still come into contact.

laugh - I just got quite excited at the thought of 'going for it'. That's never been my style with me, but quite honestly I'm so sick of being alone I reckon I have nothing to lose

OP posts:

juneau · 02/05/2015 15:53

Hmmm difficult one. Okay, so no issue with school gate gossip, but the DDs being best friends for years makes me a bit uncomfortable tbh. There is no harm though in giving him the green light, I suppose. I mean, you could go on one or two dates and decide 'no', in which case no one has to know. And if it develops into something, well you could cross that bridge if you came to it. Life is short, so it was me I'd probably see what happens. Nothing ventured, nothing gained and all that!

Skiptonlass · 02/05/2015 15:57

I think proceed, with a bit of caution. Not because of the ex wife (honestly, everyone has baggage) but simply because it's been a while since you were in a relationship. It's easy to fall hard and fast and get hurt.

Take it slowly, be cautious, but I honestly see no reason why you shouldn't explore whether this chap is right for you. He may or may not be, but you'll never know if you don't try :)

Original poster

Ladycarla · 02/05/2015 15:58

Juneau, you've summed it up perfectly I think. I do feel unconfortable because of the friendship, and equally don't even know if we'd get on.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ladycarla · 02/05/2015 16:06

Ah, yes. That illustrates the next issue. As you've pointed out I have been single for some time. I have not 'dated' for decades as was married for 20 years. I don't think I know how to give someone the green light any more. High risk of making an arise of myself.....

OP posts:

Original poster

Ladycarla · 02/05/2015 16:07

That would be 'arse' obviously. My autocorrect is very polite

OP posts:

Psipsina · 02/05/2015 16:13

I'm so sick of being alone I reckon I have nothing to lose

Please don't make that mistake. You have everything to lose. Please be very cautious; the fact he was coming on to you when he had only just separated would make me extremely wary.

You are feeling excited about someone you don't really know much about yet - please just go very slowly. Get to know everything about him, then shag him if he's still up to standard.

Original poster

Ladycarla · 02/05/2015 16:21

Agreed, Psipsina. I don't know why I said that actually, I know that's not right. The main reason I have been single so long is that my marriage became so awful that I couldn't face getting close to anyone again. I know it is better to be lonely and single than lonely and in a bad relationship which is where I was for a long time. all the more reason to be cautious I guess.

OP posts:

eddielizzard · 02/05/2015 16:24

i think it's ok. if it does work out i'd probably keep it quiet around your dc's for a good while. then when they go to different colleges it's much less of an issue.

newnamesamegame · 02/05/2015 20:21

I wouldn't consider him "off limits" on the basis of your having known his EW unless she was a proper friend. Life is too short to rule everyone who you have ever been socially connected to and after a certain point in life everyone has baggage of some sort.

On the other hand I would proceed with caution for the reasons others have listed. No harm and no shame in testing the water if you are both single and like each other but he is not long out of a relationship and may be on the rebound/not ready.

Just take it slowly and don't invest too much hope in it and see where it leads...

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