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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I the one whose being unreasonable...

21 replies

xxthedutchessxx · 02/05/2015 14:32

Hi everyone,

Not really posted on here much so please be gentle!!

Having substantial problems with my OH at the moment, it's gotten to a point in our relationship where I'm wanting to do badly get out but I'm terrified of doing so.
To begin with, all was lovely, we've got a 15 month old son and I'm also 7 months pregnant. Slowly but steadily things started getting worse, he began going out loads and spending far too much money, and would then expect me to pay all of the household bills, buy the nappies and buy the food. This is also along with me doing all of the bath, bedtimes, night wakings and dinnertimes etc. He works full time and I part, so I understand the majority of the responsibility lies with me, but all I've ever asked for is a little help but I get "I've been working all day whilst you sit on your arse" then begins the arguments... Things have just been getting so bad I don't know what else to do, a few months ago he came home out of his head drunk and tried to take our son away, I then shielded him so oh couldn't take him, and he dragged me away by my throat and arm. I know I should have called the police and many of you are now face palming whilst reading this, but I loved him and didn't want to see him get arrested or dragged away in cuffs. I know how it sounds, trust me, I've read plenty of stories and done the same facepalm! This is all probably sounding garbled but honestly, I have nobody I can really talk to, sometimes it's just nice to be heard...

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 02/05/2015 14:39

Sorry you're having such a rough time.

Do you have any close friends or family that you can talk to about this? If you wanted to leave, could anyone help you to do that?

You said you found the idea of leaving terrifying. Can you say what you find frightening? Because it really sounds like you're doing everything practical and financial on your own anyway :(

JontyDoggle37 · 02/05/2015 14:40

So sorry you're going through this. Do you want support with leaving, or are you not at the stage of being able to consider that yet? (With a young child in the house, you 7 months pregnant and a history of violent actions, I would suggest running as fast as you can, personally). If you don't have family/friends who could help, please speak to Women's Aid who will be able to give you lots f practice guidance and support. Wishing you all the best.

Original poster
xxthedutchessxx · 02/05/2015 14:53

Thanks for the speedy response guys, it's a really difficult one to talk about, when I sit there and go through all of the things in our relationship, I can't tell anymore if it really is him behaving unreasonably or its me expecting too much. My first post was just the tip of the iceberg really, I know I need to talk to somebody but he doesn't really like me seeing friends, and my family aren't very supportive when I need them. I feel I need to get away because I really want to do what's best for my children, but I feel breaking up the family is letting them down. I'm scared to leave because although financially it seems I'm doing okay, I'm really not. I owe my energy company nearly 1k and I can't keep up with it all. He does pay towards the rent etc, but won't think twice about going out for the night and spending £50+ I recently learnt that he'd spent £30 on a lap dance which made me feel sick. I bought myself a dress yesterday for £10 and got told I was spending too much! This may seem trivial, but there are so many issues I really don't know where to start. I know I need to maybe speak to women's aid but it's getting the time.. The majority of the time my phone bill goes unpaid and I can't contact anyone, this month I'm just lucky I had enough...

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 02/05/2015 15:09

He is financially abusing you.
He drinks and becomes violent and threatens your DC.
He doesn't like you seeing friends.
He wastes money on adult services.

Any of those on their own are big red flags, my love. I would strongly suggest you get out now before your new baby arrives and he's able to ramp up the abuse even more. This relationship is only going to get worse and worse.

You can speak to CAB about the debt and work out how you can make a plan to pay it down. StepChange also offer great advice about debts.

You can email WomensAid for help if you haven't got any phone credit or he's around.

GoatsDoRoam · 02/05/2015 15:12

Keep talking and going through the things in your relationship, love.

The things you are describing are horrible and very sad to hear. And we are not the ones living it, as you are.

If your family aren't helpful - and some just aren't - there are professionals who are there to help you. Like Women's Aid, Refuge, and the police force.

I see that he doesn't pay phone and energy bills even though he lives with you and works full time (among other abuses). And that this jeopardises you being able to make so much as a phone call. But you say that you had enough for the phone bill this month. So make this the month you call 0808 2000 247. Perhaps a good time would be while you are at home and he is still at work?

Original poster
xxthedutchessxx · 02/05/2015 17:46

Really appreciate all of your support guys, it's that feeling of being stuck between a rock and a hard place. I loved this man once and it kills me to see our little family split, but I just can't ignore his behaviour any longer. We have just had a huge argument as I wouldn't spend £50 on an xbox game for him, and he tried to make me admit I was wrong to refuse! According to him, I don't do anything for him. (He's currently in his sisters bedroom taking laughing gas, we're currently at his parents until work on or house is complete, just to add to the frustration!) Sometimes words fail me. I stayed strong and wouldn't apologise but know I'll pay for it later, he'll find some way of upsetting me. He doesn't go back to work until next Tuesday which is quite frustrating but I am going to call that number and make damn sure I do. I feel like I've just become someone I really never thought I would and I don't want to do it any longer.

OP posts:
minkGrundy · 02/05/2015 17:54

It definitely is not you.
It isn't you.
And it is not your faultFlowers

He is taking advantage of the power imbalance in your rs caused by you being pregnant, pt and having a small child to exploit and control you.

He is abusing you financially, emotionally and physically.

Can you contact WA?
And the CAB to discuss your finances.

If you leave him you can get tax credits, child maintenance eyc. It will probably be financially easier than having him to carry as well.

He is behaving like an entitled prick. And sadly he isn't going to change unless it is for the worseSad

If you feel able call 101 and have the previous incident logged for your safety . He need not know they won't contact him if you ask them not to. That is classed as a really high threat assault because he attacked you while you were holding a child and because he went for the throat.

Sorry but he is dangerous.

Original poster
xxthedutchessxx · 02/05/2015 18:28

Mink, I would like to report this but didn't know it was an option after it has happened. I will do this asap. Thankyou x

OP posts:
minkGrundy · 02/05/2015 18:51

Yes it is. You can report it for a long time after. There are good reasons to even if he is never 'done' for it.

1/ it means police know you are in danger and will respond quicker
2/ it is on record if you need access to legal aid or if you need to rely on this later as part of a pattern e.g. for getting an non molestation order.

I think you can ask to speak to the DV unit if your force has one. Can anyone confirm?
Good luck.

Original poster
xxthedutchessxx · 02/05/2015 19:16

Thankyou, that's really good to know. Going to go to station on Tuesday when oh is at work. Will write things down as lots of times correlated with nights out so I can pin down dates at least.

OP posts:
LadyB49 · 02/05/2015 19:32

Don't accept DH behaviour.
It might seem scary to leave but once you make the decision and tell him, all will eventually sort......even it appears at the time that it couldn't possibly.

Get help from WA. They will guide you.
Don't be afraid of having no money. That will also sort.
You are likely to be better off.

You are likely grieving for the loss of what might have been.
Look forward. Think of your children growing up in a happy environment.Smile

Original poster
xxthedutchessxx · 02/05/2015 20:28

I think you're right Lady, it's a really scary thought to be alone. I've already come from a failed marriage where my husband left me because he wanted different things to me, and I feel like I've come out of one bad relationship just to go into another. Makes me feel like it must be me! I just want my son and daughter to be happy now, it's their time to shine :)

OP posts:
Original poster
xxthedutchessxx · 04/05/2015 00:45

Hi everyone,
I'm really looking for some support here and I'm not sure where else I can turn.. Yet again my oh has left me at home with our son and gone out drinking. He's come home reduced me to a quivering wreck via verbal bashing, threatened that I'm going to lose everything and Im really in a bad place. He's now passed out drunk on the sofa. I'm in a house where I can't make a phone call without someone listening in and I don't know what to do. I'm really having the urge to hurt myself because I'm feeling I can't cope. I know I need to see someone about this but it's difficult in the middle of the night. Feeling so lost.

OP posts:
beezlebop · 04/05/2015 00:53

Hello dutchess, lots of posters will be able to help. You are not expecting too much. You have a right to have a safe home for you and little ones. I don't know if anyone has suggested going to your GP? That is also a good way of having things recorded xx good luck xx

elephantoverthehill · 04/05/2015 01:03

Please don't hurt yourself. You need to be strong and not injured. I understood from earlier in the thread that you were at his parents' house. Would they not at least give you some protection? Can you not use the phone in the street if needs be?

beezlebop · 04/05/2015 01:08

Hello dutchess, are you okay? Middle of the nights are horrid. Don't hurt yourself please, people are here for you xxxxxThanks Thanks

GoatsDoRoam · 04/05/2015 01:10

Please don't hurt yourself - he does that for you already. Your job is to take care of yourself as much as you can, and counterbalance some of the damage he does you.

If he's on the sofa, at least you get the bed to yourself!

How much longer will you be at his parents' house? Can you make the calls you want to make tomorrow, while you're out on an errand, for example taking DS out to the park? Maybe make a plan for how you can make that happen, and that will help you sleep better tonight.

Original poster
xxthedutchessxx · 04/05/2015 01:12

Thankyou guys, I've spoken to his parents at length before, and they don't see much wrong with his behaviour.. Even when I explained about the attack. He says I'm unwelcome here and I can leave, but I'm going to have a fight on my hands if I want my son, and this worries me as I've been trying so hard for him not to see this and done okay so far. I've contacted womens aid and as soon as I'm ready I want to go into a refuge. Has anyone here had any experience of this?

OP posts:
GoatsDoRoam · 04/05/2015 01:15

Oh well done on contacting WA! I know that was going to be tough for you.

There's a thread on here from a poster who went to a refuge and describes what it's like - it was a while back; I'll see if I can find it. (She had incredibly positive things to say about it, if that's a comfort.)

GoatsDoRoam · 04/05/2015 01:17

Twinkle's experience in a refuge

Original poster
xxthedutchessxx · 04/05/2015 01:26

Goats, that was an amazing read. Thankyou, truly. I think I'm going to try and get some sleep, luckily the oh has work tomorrow and I'm close to a sea life Center, I think I'm going to take my little man there for the day and think about things! I really really appreciate the support everyone, and would do the same for anyone if you ever needed me. Thankyou :)

OP posts:
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