Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Am I overreacting?

25 replies

Blubberfull · 02/05/2015 12:09

It is midday and yet again I find myself in a situation where my husband is in bed in the spare room and I am looking after our 4 year old

He went out last night and came home at 6am he didn't communicate from 10pm so I had no idea where he was

I don't mind him going out and actually this only happens once a month or so but I find it so arrogant that he can have a big night out with no warning and then just expect to have the whole day off from family the next day.

I have ranted, raved and cried about this over and over again yet he just weathers my mood and I give up

Think today really is the first time I am thinking how selfish he is or perhaps I am being oversensitive as currently 14 weeks pregnant and have a sinus infection so today has been a particular struggle

OP posts:

CrispyFern · 02/05/2015 12:14

I don't think you are overreacting.

mrstothemr · 02/05/2015 12:16

Me neither... Do you get the same kind of time off from home life once a month too?

Lweji · 02/05/2015 12:17

Not at all.

But, can you wake him up tell him to take care of the 4 year old and take off for the day, or the weekend even?

Let him beg you to return home. Then tell him what you expect from him.

Fugghetaboutit · 02/05/2015 12:19

Chuck the child with him and go to a friends/relatives/park/cafe and have some quiet time.

Berrie1 · 02/05/2015 12:24

Not over reacting in my opinion. It's reasonable to expect some notice of a night out so you can plan around that and to have contact throughout the night so you know he is at least safe.

Personally I would tell him to buck up his ideas or leave. He's not 18 anymore with no responsibilities. How would he feel if you were going out on a regular basis without giving him notice, coming home steaming drunk at 6am in the morning, leaving him with the kids all day? Very much doubt he would be okay with that.

Also, what is he doing until 6am in the morning, don't clubs shut at 3 or 4?

pocketsaviour · 02/05/2015 12:33

"Only" happens once a month?! I'd probably be able to overlook this if it was once a year, but if it happens every payday... Seems incredibly irresponsible and immature.

You are definitely not over-reacting.

Quitelikely · 02/05/2015 12:34

I think you are being slightly unreasonable.

If he goes out once a month and has a hangover which means he sleeps in bed for a couple of e tea hours then so what?

A four year old is not taxing.

Why worry when he goes out?

He is in a relationship not in jail. His life is his own.

You haven't said he's a bad father, abusive etc

Quitelikely · 02/05/2015 12:37

12 times a year isn't a lot. I can't see what he is doing wrong.

Why can't he stay out until six o clock? Are nights out time limited now?

RandomMess · 02/05/2015 12:42

He doesn't know that you're not well so wake him up and tell him that he needs to get up now and take over.

Perhaps a frank discussion (not now) about what you find acceptable/unacceptable and see if there can be a compromise made?

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 02/05/2015 12:44

It's really bloody rude and selfish to go on a night out, and stay out all night without arranging it with you in advance. Now he's sleeping it off and your day together is a wash-out. I'd be absolutely effing furious.

Send the four year old in to him and then you go out for the rest of the day. See how he likes that.

In a few month's time it could all be the same scenario except you'll have a young un plus a new-born to take care of on your own on a regular basis.

Lweji · 02/05/2015 13:10

Are nights out time limited now?

When people have responsibilities over a pregnant wife and children, it's very rude to just go and abandon them the next day every time they go out without checking with the partner if that is ok.

If that was with a job they would be sacked.

Original poster

Blubberfull · 02/05/2015 13:11

So I have left him at home with DD although I had to wake him up to say I was going

I really feel like this is the end of me just talking at him till I'm blue in the face about this

I am thinking of writing a letter as I can perhaps be more coherent although this all sounds trivial I think this latest night out might be the straw that breaks my back

I am actually a mess - perhaps too many hormones though

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 02/05/2015 13:13

Why can't he stay out until 6 in the morning?

Who the hell stays out until that time unless they're a student?

And it's not just the evening the OP is missing, is it? It's the next day - he's at home but absolutely comatose all day.

It's not enough to say the OP should take off and spend time away from her child. She was married so that they'd have a life together, not so that she and he would spend days apart with their mates.

Original poster

Blubberfull · 02/05/2015 13:15

Just to be clear it is not the going out - I like a night out too but the lack of consideration that he can just escalate from a couple of drinks after work to an all nighter and have no worries about me just sorting out the next day

I would not do this to him and it is the lack of communication and respect to check is what I mind

OP posts:

Lweji · 02/05/2015 13:18

You will have to think what are your boundaries and what you will do if they are crossed.

A one time could go, every month is a pattern and one that is likely to continue, and get worse, as you will have two children in a few months.

Find your own way of also getting the time off (the same time), or don't tolerate his fecking off elsewhere and in bed without consulting with you first.

Do you work? Is he hands on with the DC, does he contribute equally at home when he is there and not with a hangover?

Tequilashotsfor1 · 02/05/2015 13:20

Your not over reacting at all.

You have a new baby on the way and it needs dealing with. I'd tell him to leave if he wants that kind of life style.

Handywoman · 02/05/2015 13:21

Nothing to do with your hormones, OP. Everything to do with his assumption that he can just opt out of family life without needing to stay in touch or consider your feelings, needs, plans.

It says a lot about the amount of respect from him to you: ie, very little.

You aren't overreacting. Stay out until bedtime and turn your phone off.

When your 4yo is asleep you can tell him that you (understandably, rightly) expect more than this.

Original poster

Blubberfull · 02/05/2015 13:29

He does a lot when he is home and not hungover although he works an hour plus commute away and leaves the house at 6am and returns at usually 7.30pm so really I think weekends should be family time
I am enjoying my time out now and thinking I go to the cinema for the afternoon for a bit of escapism

OP posts:

Quitelikely · 02/05/2015 13:36

If it's only once a month I don't see the problem. Can't he have a hangover and take a lie in?

You are sleeping anyway during the night.

If he gets to have one night out each month and that's how he decides to spend it then I think it's his choice.

He wasn't doing anything illegal or with another woman. There is no rule to say it's only ok for students to stay out til 6 am.

I just don't think he should be told what time to be home!

ltk · 02/05/2015 13:39

I agree with handywoman. Stay out until past her bedtime. See a movie, do a bit of shopping, go visit a friend, buy yourself a yummy dinner. Do not call and do not answer the phone.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 02/05/2015 13:40

I think you need to stay out all day. Maybe all evening, too. Even if that means booking into a B&B. While your mobile is turned off so he won't know when (or if) you'll be coming back.

He's got a bloody cheek, and if he doesn't know it, he needs to be told. If he wants to act like a single man with no responsibilities, then perhaps he should become one. At least then you'd know where you stood (at the back of the queue with everyone else).

INickedAName · 02/05/2015 13:45

You are sleeping anyway during the night.

If her dh had told her it will be an all nighter then yes, she may well have slept, but as she didn't know, and he stopped communication at 10, I can imagine her worrying about him rather than sleeping.

Hexiegone · 02/05/2015 14:22

He wasn't doing anything illegal or with another woman.

How do you know that, Quitelikely?

Pollyswall · 02/05/2015 14:36

What do people do until 6am? And where do they do it? Genuine question.

Lweji · 02/05/2015 15:55

He doesn't have to be told what time he can go home, but he is just as responsible for the children as his wife is. That is the problem.
He should check that she was fine to be on her own with the children first. Not only through the night, as the next day.

I'm sure he wouldn't appreciate if she did the same if he was a sahd.

That is why you should just take off for the weekend before having a serious conversation with him about responsibility.

Flip