What does my abusive ex want from me 13 years later?

[Teeste]

We split in 2002 when we were both early 20s. Without wanting to make this a mega long post, he was violent and emotionally abusive. He ended up dumping me for my (at the time) best friend (let's call her L) who lived across the road from us before I'd moved out, so I had to watch them get all loved up. My parents then helped me move out, which I did without notifying him. They both tried for a few weeks to contact me, but gave up when I had my friend tell him I wanted nothing to do with either of them.

He tried once to get in touch via FB in about 2007, I think. I deleted the messages and blocked him, but the general tone as I recall was - you seem happy now, me and L are no longer together, it was all ages ago, why won't you talk to me? I told him he hadn't changed and goodbye.

I woke up this morning to an email from him. He's gone to the trouble of finding my LinkedIn profile and clicking on the link to my professional website to get an email address for me. This chills me to the bone. I'm thanking my lucky stars we never put a phone number on there (it's nowhere near a finished site, just a holding page at the moment).

He's now saying the same sort of thing, but this time acknowleding he was 'an absolute twat', congratulating me on being married, telling me he and L split 9 years ago and finished with 'I'll bugger off now. Take care'.

What does he want from me? Absolution? Friendship? He won't get it. Will I be able to develop that website or indeed any online professional presence with him knowing about it? Will I have to deal with him stalking me in some way or another? Or am I overreacting? I'm 33 weeks pregnant and somewhat hormonal. But my hands are cold and shaky and I'm on the verge of tears. He still has the power to scare me that much and I really, really resent that. Any advice on what to do much appreciated.

'As you keep stalking me, it seems you still are an absolute twat. Nobody cares any more so move the fuck on with your life'

Just ignore. Any response from you at all will encourage him. If he persists in trying to contact you, speak to the police and ask them to tell him to leave you alone.

I'd guess he wants to check your still pining for him, bit of an ego boost for him.

I agree with Thistledew.

Blocking on Facebook, and a lack of response now show very clearly you have no interest in communicating with him. No need to say anything.

Keep copies of the emails in a folder just for him, just in case it escalates to harassment and you need evidence for the police.

And perhaps some counselling, if you find you need it. I know it was a long time ago. But sometimes these things are just buried, and counselling might help. It is true that pregnancy hormones can make things seem overwhelming, though.

Usually I'm all for an individual sorting out their own shit. But have you told your dh? Have you explained to him how this ex is making you feel? Not in an effort to get your dh to sort him out but I think he should know.

I definitely wouldn't respond to him. Maybe even set up a rule on your emails so that any further messages from him go into a separate folder.

And I'd second what pp have said about lpoking into counselling if you feel it'd help. Just because something happened years ago it doesn't make your feelings on it any less valid.

you have my sympathies, as someone who also has an abusive ex who pops up now and again, I know how upsetting it must make you feel.
My advice would be to ignore, don't respond.
Keep copies of communications in a folder, just in case, but I'd imagine it's unlikely to happen. He'll most likely will move on to someone else.

Read Gavin de Becker's book 'The Gift of Fear' and ignore the ex. Do not feed the fire, tempting as it is to tell him to bugger off he likely can't tell the difference between good and bad attention. Tracking you down wouldn't have taken long (2 websites by the sounds of it) so don't ascribe too much importance to that - he did it because he can and because he's a tool. Ignore, ignore.

My horrible ex (hit me once, cheated) collared me in a pub many years after we split with almost those exact same words. Admitted he had been a twat, yadayada.
I think he was after absolution - he was surprised when I agreed with him: "yes you were a twat and treated me terribly" is what I told him and he looked genuinely shocked and upset.
It's possible yours is after some validation from you - maybe he expects the same thing mine did, for you to say "no it wasn't that bad" or "it was all in the past, forget about it".
It's all about him, his feelings and trying to force you to help him get rid of any guilt he might have regardless of how it makes you feel to see him popping up from his shit hole after all this time.
Ignore the self centred bastard

Ignore but keep emails. He's fishing for a response. Don't give it - he's looking for an easy 'in' and I think will bugger off if you don't let him in.

Continue with everything you want to do but look into counselling. As PP have said, it may be helpful.

Thanks everyone. I've just been having a talk with DH about it all. We've agreed to ignore him, I've forwarded the email to DH to keep so I don't have to look at it. I don't want to block him outright in case this does escalate to something more sinister - I'd need to know. We're also going to go over all my social media privacy settings to make double sure it's all locked down.

Finola yes, DH was around the last time ex tried getting in touch. I think my reaction at that time surprised DH quite a lot, as the message was, on the surface, quite innocent-looking. I explained to DH how violated I felt, that ex was still crossing boundaries and DH understands now, I think. He's been very supportive this morning anyway.

cadidog I'll have a look at that book, thanks for the recommendation. You're very right, he is indeed a tool!

qazxc Sorry to hear yours keeps popping up too, it must be exhausting.

dragons Sorry you had to go through that too. Your ex's actions are very interesting. It's what I suspect is going on here - he still feels guilty and his need for absolution trumps my need for privacy from him in his head, if he ever even thought about it that way at all.

Re counselling - I've had a fair bit. My instinctive reaction to him is one of fear, pure and simple, and I don't think it's particularly out of place all things considered. I've calmed down a lot now and realised there's very little he can actually do to me unless he gets very stalkery and manages to track down my address somehow (unlikely). I'm not alone, I have a support network now (which I didn't back then, trying to deal with him by myself). He always much preferred me solo and vulnerable.

It just never fails to amaze me that he still gives a shit, that I'm still 'worth' bothering to him, that he hasn't just moved on and got on with his own sad little life. He doesn't deserve a millisecond of my time, he has no place in my life and he certainly won't be getting any forgiveness. I wish he'd just fuck off and leave me alone. I don't want to be dealing with him and his flare-ups of guilt every few years. I may have to develop an eye-roll attitude to the whole thing rather than instantly going into panic-and-flight-response.

I had one of these who kept popping up frequently for many years, although a key difference was that he was never violent.

Some of his emails were long so gave insight into his thinking. He didn't comprehend the impact he'd had, the context within which I or my friends might view his contact attempts, found it odd I was so upset, and had clearly got the idea that it was reasonable to want us to be friends. He considered himself a victim of my unreasonableness. (I might have been unreasonable sometimes during the very short relationship, but he dwarfed that by bothering me for years afterwards.) In my case I actually might not have minded a nominal social media friendship if he'd left me alone for ten years rather than badgering me all the time, but the harrassment made it a never. I've never even been more than acquaintances with anyone who has the same common first name as him because it provokes such an 'urgh' response.

I think that fictional works where people get back in touch, and things like the AA paradigm about trying to make amends / apologise also can encourage this sort of contact in someone's head.
He probably does feel that a significant confirmation that he is / might be a better person now is in your hands. (He needs to accept that it might just hurt too much for you to be able to supply that.) But it's quite a good sign that he's only asked twice in all that time; he doesn't seem to be relying on it.

I would take his statement at face value and not respond to it, but would keep the message somewhere on the offchance he became a problem in future.

Definitely also consider some therapy.
I did EMDR which was excellent and I was able to look at the situation less emotionally and more rationally. (It might seem "cold" but in the light of having been able to dial down my own responses to much more frequent and emotionally charged messages, what I see above is only two contact attempts in over ten years, which were amicably worded, and that there isn't a history of persistence.)

I am also a believer in therapy to try and sort out one's own traumas so as to minimise passing them on in one form or another to one's children.

I still remain cautious and don't want this post connected with anything else I've written in case the guy recognises it.

Those messages aren't flare-ups of guilt. They are someone going through their back catalogue when they are single.

Funny how his winning combination of abuse and violence doesn't seem to have given him a happy life.

Sad and pathetic. Not even worth your pity.

It just never fails to amaze me that he still gives a shit, that I'm still 'worth' bothering to him, that he hasn't just moved on and got on with his own sad little life

Men like this will keep having another go looking for an in. It probably isn't just you; he's probably doing it to all his exes periodically.

Recently someone posted on here using the phrase "back cataloguing" and that's a perfect description.

Abusive man gets dumped. Has no immediate access to attention or sex. Starts to work throught his back catalogue of exes to fill the silence. How far down the list he gets depends on whether he gets a response by anyone further up the chain.

Agree - don't reply at all, as pps have said. Although I'd be so tempted to say "Sorry, who is this?"

bibliomania I'm tempted to reply with 'go fuck a pig you narcissistic sociopath', but I won't!

NCNC You're right, it's not a particularly vehement pattern or message, and it is only twice in 13 years (although I still think it's two times too many). I hear you about the lack of empathy/understanding displayed by these men; that they can't understand what they're doing is wrong or can affect the other party in a negative way. How do you yourself deal with a new message from your ex now? Or has he stopped altogether?

Self and stabby I think the back cataloguing may well apply to others in this situation, but it just doesn't feel right for this one. No, he probably isn't happy and yes, he probably is single and in need of attention and he definitely is sad and pathetic, but I highly doubt he wants an emotional/sexual relationship with me. He was a proficient gaslighter, so he may well want a sort of controlling relationship, if that makes sense? I don't know if that's what you meant in the first place!

This is also what happened to me and I made the mistake of getting back together with mine! If you respond he'll get off on that and will send another message so the best thing is to ignore him.

Not an ex but I had a friend who said some really nasty and vicious things about me and my family, as well as posting abusive messages on my Facebook wall. I blocked her, didn't hear from her for a couple of years and then she suddenly popped up on Facebook again under a different account and said she hoped I was well! I ignored it and blocked her again and haven't heard from her since. He's probably contacted you because he's bored and wants attention (even if it's negative attention and it's you swearing at him because it'll let him know that he still has the power to upset you all these years later which would probably do wonders for his pathetic ego).

Either that or he genuinely feels guilty and felt the need to tell you. If you can't forgive him and have completely moved on, I'd just ignore him. I knew that my friend craved attention and deliberately tried to rile me and I refused to give it to her. I had absolutely nothing to say to her either so I knew there was no point in replying. If you just ignore it, he'll hopefully get the hint and never contact you again.

I've had the same thing from abusive/violent exes, up to 16 years later! The best thing to do is just ignore, and set up any accounts to block contact from that email address. (He'll probably just set up more if he wants to contact again, but you just have to deal with that when it happens). It is so far back in my past now that it just doesn't affect me any more, and I don't even question whether to respond. Why would I even waste my time? Frankly it's not even worth the energy I'd use in typing out a response.

Personally I'm quite cautious about my online footprint and luckily I'm not in a career where I need to have an online presence so I'm virtually impossible to find. It's not really any trouble for anyone to track someone down via LinkedIn and click through to a professional website. For me it's not worth the risk as there's no impact on my career if I don't have an online presence, but if it's essential for your business then you just have to accept that it's not going to be difficult for people to contact you from online details.

Teeste, sorry for the delay in replying. He hasn't been in touch for a number of years, which has helped enormously. He said he wanted to put it behind him as he was getting married and they were having a kid. But given the length of time involved - not quite as long as wiltingpetals, but still enough to make most people say WHAT? - there's always a little bit of me worried about him popping up somehow.

The last couple of times I heard from him was once I'd started doing therapy and I was able to look at it in a more detached way, as him being a person who was still attaching a huge emotional significance to something brief from a long time ago, was unable to contain or channel this acceptably - and basically the things I said above. I could analyse it rather than go into a huge panic. (Several years before I'd panicked so much on one occasion that I took a few hours off work.)

There were a couple of things he'd done in the then relatively recent past, relative to when he last contacted me, which were more unacceptable, and which might be too identifiable to post, however, so I wasn't as calm as if he'd only ever emailed me since it ended. But so much else of what went on, the emails, became easy to imagine as a cross between spam and a toddler having a tantrum, once I had cleared quite a lot of my own emotions.

I think it's not so much that he wants a full relationship with you, but he'd like to know that he still has an effect on you. That you think of him. It's an ego-stroking exercise for him, he wants to know that he was a major impact on your life.

Your refusal to acknowledge his contact attempts shows him that he means nothing to you - so keep ignoring him. ANY attempt to reply will give him an ego-massage.