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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He said I wasn't always responsive in bed...

16 replies

goldsilver · 02/05/2015 09:31

Hi everyone :-) I hope some pearls of wisdom may come my way and I thank you in advance.
I suffer from anxiety. This has become worse lately, could be due to hormones as I am perimenopausal and on HRT. But just lately I haven't been having an easy time regarding anxiety. I was due to receive EMDR but got too anxious as I realised there are memories I don't wish to know. And last night, I was telling my OH that when I was a child, my father did some strange things. I have never told anyone about this before, so this was a big thing for me. I don't know if he abused me, I certainly hope not, but I have a feeling I may have blanked out some memories. So then my OH said it could explain my behaviour and went on to tell me that when I kiss him, I don't kiss in a responsive way (his ex wife kissed more passionately but I suppose I made him compare her to me by asking...but that made me feel just great!) I kiss with a kind of closed mouth, he said, and I lie rigid on the bed when he touches me. Whereas in his past, women have just spread their legs when he has touched them! And I don't do that, I don't have my legs tightly shut or anything, but I don't spread them out either! He said that he didn't want me to be like that exactly, but that maybe something had happened when I was a child and that would explain the way I was. So of course now, I don't feel like making love at all. It didn't help before with a lower libido and anxiety, but now, I just don't feel like doing it at all. The reason why I am the way I am lately is mostly to do with anxiety and not really feeling like doing it, not in my view because I was abused as a child. I don't think he meant to be insensitive but he has been! I think that if someone says they may have been abused and then their partner says, well, that might explain why you aren't responsive in bed is just not what you say! I suppose what I want to ask...where do I go from here?

OP posts:

ilovelamp82 · 02/05/2015 09:40

I'm so sorry for what you may have gone through. I can't imagine.

What I would say is that I think it's a positive thing that you've spoken to your dh about it. I'm sure he didn't mean it to be insensitive, and honestly he may have a point. It's something to consider.

The positives to take from this are that he isn't with his ex, he is with you, so even if it is the case, he loves you.

I think that women in general are more emotional when it comes to sex and you are probably likely to be more receptive the closer you feel emotionally to your dh. I think the best way to achieve that is through communication with your husband. If he is supportive through this, it could in the long run help.

I haven't been through the situation and your hormones being all over the place can't help either, so I hope someone with more experience can come and give you better advice.

magoria · 02/05/2015 09:43

So he has never bothered asking is this OK? Is something not right? What can I do to relax/arouse/help you more?

Did he just carry on with a rigid unpassionate partner?

I would have thought that most caring partners would realise something was amiss.

FeijoaSundae · 02/05/2015 09:44

Sorry, but his reaction is appallingly. Unforgivable, actually.

You say 'OH'. How long have you been together? Are you married? Any DC?

somethingmorepositive · 02/05/2015 09:50

So to paraphrase: "I am worried I may be repressing memories of childhood sexual abuse."
"Oh, so that explains why you're shite in bed."

Wow, what a charmer. The emotional support - I can feel it from here. And also, he touches women and they spread their legs? Whaaaaat? Are they wind-up dolls?

Let's take a poll: I'll start. I, for one, do not just automatically spread my legs.

Original poster

goldsilver · 02/05/2015 09:50

Thank you ilovelamp82, that is a positive message that you have said, but I wasn't sure if I could be positive after last night and couldn't help but feel more in the lines of what FeijoaSundae has said. Magoria, no, he hasn't really said much, just been concerned that he wasn't doing things right, admittedly. But FeijoaSundae, we aren't married. Been together about two years. No children. In the last year, I have suffered more anxiety and problems with hormones and it has affected our sex life. Prior to that, things were good.

OP posts:

magoria · 02/05/2015 09:54

A different perspective for you.

When I told DP about my step father he cried and cuddled me.

If we have wine he holds back on kissing me until he has clean his teeth as he cares enough to remember this was one of my strongest memories of what I went through.

If he realised I am not in the mood even if he is he stops, gives me a snuggle and gives to sleep.

That doesn't make him an amazing man (although he is) it makes him a decent caring person.

Original poster

goldsilver · 02/05/2015 09:54

somethingmorepositive, you made me laugh despite myself :-) Thank you. That was how I felt! "I am worried I may be repressing memories of childhood sexual abuse."
"Oh, so that explains why you're shite in bed." Exactly how I felt last night. I mean, there is a time and a place after all. I know, I felt that too about what he said about former partners...he touches women and they spread their legs?! I imagine many women do not just automatically spread their legs!!

OP posts:

Original poster

goldsilver · 02/05/2015 09:56

Magoria, I think your DP is lovely. And mine has special attributes but last night, I am not so sure...

OP posts:

FeijoaSundae · 02/05/2015 10:06

I don't just automatically spread my legs either. Not even necessarily with DH, unless I'm actually up for a quickie.

The fact that you're not married and there's no DC is good.

The fact that his first thought is about sex at a time like this, is just such a red flag. I feel like a want to give you the big hug and reassurance that he should automatically be giving you.

Original poster

goldsilver · 02/05/2015 10:15

Thank you FeijoaSundae, I agree with what you said. It concerns me that he chose that moment to say what he did. Tactless doesn't even cover it. Then (for him) almost two bottles of wine later, he staggers off to bed and I stay on the sofa, due to anxiety and the knowledge he will snore his head off. Hardly romantic. He was concerned for me but went to sleep (obviously) and today, I am determined not to suffer and to be strong. Think of me.

OP posts:

FeijoaSundae · 02/05/2015 10:17

Hand-holding.

pocketsaviour · 02/05/2015 15:14

I'm sorry he reacted like that and upset you.

Is he generally emotionally supportive of you? I'm seeing two possibilities here:

He's never known someone before who's ever talked about being abused, he had no idea what to say and just blabbed the first thing that came into his head, then carried on digging because he didn't know how to deal with things, or,
He's a selfish twat who doesn't really care about your feelings.

Only you can say which is more likely.

Gralick · 02/05/2015 16:27

Crikey, that must have been a body blow :( I'm sorry he reacted so selfishly to your vulnerability.

Poll response: No, of course not, what a bloody ridiculous idea! He may have mixed his ex up with some porn he watched

Or maybe she did do this to get it over with a quickly as possible I may have been guilty of same.

blueberrypie0112 · 02/05/2015 17:44

I think it is because you know he expect you to act alike his ex(s)... no wonder you are not in the mood with him (of course, I can understand about your childhood past and it is something you will have to work with a counselor...but as far as your relationship with him, it could be a totally different issues

Mrscaindingle · 02/05/2015 20:22

This would raise a lot of red flags for me too I'm afraid, he made it about him rather than being concerned for you and how HE doesn't get the kind of sex HE wants.

AmyLeeha · 02/05/2015 20:39

This sounds exactly like the sort of reaction my DH would have come out with -- and I'd have been really, really upset.

He's getting better now, slowly, thanks to a counsellor who picks him up on things like that and reflects it back to him.The reason he was like that is in part because he's not the most empathic person (although he's not malicious) and he is incredibly rational. So I can see a situation where he just joins dots, not even thinking about sex, just an event that springs to mind, and comes out and says it. If you think in a purely logical way, it makes a kind of (cold) sense.

My DH also has led a much less (as in experienced none) traumatic life than me, so has been lucky, but the flip side is that he has absolutely no experience dealing with difficult subjects - especially ones that he can't fix.

I haven't seen what your response was, but it's important you tell him that it wasn't acceptable. Very, very clearly.

Nothing about his reaction was ok, but there may be another way to look at it.

The "spread their legs" part though, is not something I can put in a different light though!

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