Why can't I just relax, enjoy and have faith! Previous EA

[Betsie81]

I'm in a very new relationship with a wonderful man. The absolute complete opposite to my EA and soul destroy ex

I find I am always on edge, worry it won't work, analysing everything and basically not relaxing enough to just enjoy what it is and what it could become.

I guess I think it's because I spent 15 years in a very unhappy controlling relationship with a man with whom although I had children with, I never loved or respected him. He was vile. He completely knocked my confidence, and made me miserable with affairs etc.

Now I have met someone who gives me no reason to believe he's untrustworthy, who makes me feel happy when I'm with him and is a generally all round nice guy. But when I'm not with him, I feel anxious, like I'm waiting for something to happen- like he'll end it, I'm not what he wants...things like that.

I must clarify, he's given me no reason to think that. I think it's simply just me. I don't want to project my anxiety onto him as it's not an attractive trait and don't want to scare him off.

I just want to get to the root of why I'm doing this to myself and find better coping mechanisms so I don't screw up what has the potential to be something good.

Anyone else in the same boat? That could offer words of wisdom?

Thank you....

I don't think this is uncommon at all - I remember going through similar when I left an EA man.

How long is it since you left? Did you have any counselling or support after leaving?

In a very similar boat.... 23yr EA marriage ended in November. I met a guy who I get on really well with in March, had no idea where either of us wanted it to go but in just considering the idea of it becoming a proper relationship I realised I was totally not ready.

I felt emotionally detached which had been my coping mechanism for so long. Anyway I decided I don't want to be like that do I've started counselling to try to help my process my feelings and I'm waitlisted for the Freedom Programme. Get in touch with your local domestic abuse centre, don't feel they are there purely for people in physically abusive relationships, the have been wonderful with me and didn't make me feel unworthy of their time and support.

Back to the guy.... Well we still go out from time to time but have decided to stay just as friends, but hopefully the steps I'm taking will mean I am ready for commitment when the right guy comes along.

Be gentle with yourself and take advantage of any support that's available to you.

I'm going through exactly the same. It's like I'm constantly waiting for him to discover what a horrible person I am, or he'll realise I'm not good enough for him, and then he will leave.

I spoke to my friend and told him about how I was feeling (you know, that one friend who tells it like it is) I told him how bloody terrified I was of being hurt, and he just simply said "yes, you might get hurt, but what if you don't? It's like saying, don't live because you might die" I try and remember that when I start over thinking and analysing everything.

Hi pocket - no, no counselling after split but I suspect I should have. I do however have an amazingly supportive family who had got me through some tricky months. They were unaware of what was going on in my previous relationship but had their suspicions. I was extremely good at hiding my own misery...

Hi yougotafriend- sorry to hear you experience a similar time. It's awful isn't it. I hope you are in s better place now, and seems like you are going through the right motions.

Maybe I shouldn't analyse myself but I kind of feel I have a lot of love to give and want it to work with this new guy. But maybe that does stem from my low self esteem and wanting to be loved - for once!

Hi echo- great way of looking at I guess. Sorry to hear you are going through the same motions. Thing is we probably know how nice a person we are. But just need to hear it and feel it sometimes. My new partner does this and makes me feel great. But then when I'm not with him I always dread that this happiness is short lived and he'll get fed up

I tend to compare myself to others a lot and think I skoukd act and be a certain way to be wanted or loved.

Sounds pathetic when I write it down really!!

I feel exactly the same , my now exw cheated on me , I have met a brilliant lady who I have clicked with massively when I am with her everything is great but I go through spells (today as it goes) when I think when will she cheat on me , i am a very positive person but it still worries me so much I think about ending the relationship just incase . All that said I know deep down she wouldn't cheat but the thoughts still come and go, not much help op but you are not alone.

I'd still say it's never too late for counselling. It's something I'm actually looking into as I was with a man who was EA to the point I had a break down. I actually went on and did the exact same thing you don't want to do with the guy I saw after my abusive ex, I let all my insecurities get the better of me and he just couldn't deal with that kind of pressure / instability. I suppose I needed to work first and foremost on myself. Glad you are recognising it and hopefully taking steps to change your thoughts. "Your thoughts are not facts." - I read that on a thread today.

I'm always like this at the start of a relationship, tbh. I can't remember a single relationship I've had which hasn't started like this, EA or otherwise :) Maybe that's just me though.

On the basis of what you've said, though, it doesn't look like you have anything to worry about. If you've come out of an EA relationship, with all the anxiety and baggage that goes with that, and this guy is managing to make you feel happy and relaxed, he is giving early indications of being someone worth spending time with.

I do think counselling is worth exploring though. If your EA marriage was anything like mine you've probably built yourself a thick emotional wall and may need some help taking it down again...