Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What would you say was an affair?

16 replies

yimismummy · 01/05/2015 04:58

I've been texting a guy who i've known for a few years, for the past couple of days(he works next door to where i stay) so see him regularly, he gave me his number as i needed to get him to fix something for my sister and since then we've been messaging back and forth but as far as i'm concerned it's nothing to bad...just how was your day? how's the kids? etc and he'll have a moan about his oh (which we all do Wink) and yeah there is some harmless flirting which is the same as if i see him in person...i mentioned this to my friend yesterday and she said tht i'm having an emotional affair because the messages appear flirty but it's nothing i wouldn't send any other male friend... what do you guys think?

OP posts:
MoustacheofRonSwanson · 01/05/2015 05:11

It's not an affair but anything that is flirty can justifiably upset a partner. Also, does he know you mean nothing by it? Or is he playing along on the off chance?

HellKitty · 01/05/2015 05:16

It could well be on its was to an EA which could lead on. As for the 'moaning about his OH, like we all do..'. I don't and certainly not to members of the opposite sex who 'may' have an interest in me. I'm not sure whether you have a partner or not but would you be happy for him to read the texts?

Original poster
yimismummy · 01/05/2015 05:31

i do have a partner and he knows this as they get on quite well, he also spends time at my dads with the neighbours watching footy etc, my oh knows i txt him and knows we get on quite well also and has no problem with this as i generally have more male than female friends anyway. my oh has read most of the messages anyway and is aware of what i have sent back...what i want to know is when does it go from banter to EA? so if it did cross that line i can nip it in the bud...like i said i haven't said anything i wouldn't say to other male friends so dunno why my friend seems to think this one is different

OP posts:
lunar1 · 01/05/2015 05:46

If you can sit next to your dp on the sofa and still send exactly the same messages then it's probably ok. If you flinch if you dp touches your phone and think you don't want him to see it then you have more than likely crossed a line.

molyholy · 01/05/2015 07:10

If your partner was sending the same messages to another woman moaning about you, how would you feel? If you found these messages would you be pissed off or hurt? If you would, then stop. If you wouldn't be arsed and find it a lark, then crack on.

fairylightsbackintheloft · 01/05/2015 07:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jackw · 01/05/2015 07:17

It doesn't matter what you call it. Do you think his partner would be hurt if she read the texts? If yes, then best to knock it on the head.

ALaughAMinute · 01/05/2015 08:01

Texting turns to sexting and before you know it you'll be having an affair.

pocketsaviour · 01/05/2015 13:59

"An affair" to me is having sex (oral, PIV, mutual masturbation, whatever) with someone else on more than one occasion.

Texting someone - particularly if your OH is reading the messages! - definitely doesn't tick the box for me.

What I would say though is if you think he's getting a bit too flirty, tone it down in case he gets the wrong end of the stick.

badbaldingballerina123 · 01/05/2015 14:10

I think it's crossed a line when your doing or saying something that you wouldn't say in front of your spouse. Or their spouse. Just because your partner is ok with it doesn't mean the wife would be.

applejacksauntie · 01/05/2015 14:17

I don't moan about my DH to friends or colleagues. Shows a lack of respect for your partner in my opinion. If you are happy for your partner to see the text exchanges between you then I would say it's not an affair.

AuntieStella · 01/05/2015 14:28

It goes into affair territory when:

a) you start keeping either the number or the content of the messages secret from your primary partner,
b) you tell the person things you don't tell your partner, or find yourself wanting to tell text friend first,
c) it touches on anything physical, even yearnings (or should that be, especially yearnings)

and, crucially here,

d) you need external validation that it's OK. That means it isn't.

You're following the well trodden baby-steps paths towards and affair. If that's not where you want to go, trust the niggle that led you to post and wind it down.

thehumanjam · 01/05/2015 14:33

Are you sure you are being truthful? You say that your OH reads your messages. Why? Dh certainly doesn't read any of my messages. Do you show your OH messages that you send to everyone?

PurpleSwift · 01/05/2015 16:10

How would you feel of your oh read the messages? How do you think you would feel if your OH was having similar conversations with another woman?
It doesn't sound entirely appropriate to me tbh

babbityann · 01/05/2015 19:33

Eh...OP, we don't all moan about our OPs, you know? Bit disloyal, in my book .

AnyFucker · 01/05/2015 19:39

op, you are one of those "men's women" aren't you ?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page