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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

That moment when your partner says something that makes you want to scream!

21 replies

Roxie85 · 30/04/2015 22:44

Argh I need to rant a little bit as I may explode.
Have been going through a tough time recently, missing family, wanting to relocate but dh doesn't want to, trying to reassess our lives and get more balance.
Well it ended in me telling him he will need to pull his weight more as although he currently has a list of daily and weekly tasks (he has 2 tiny chores a day and 2 extra at a weekend) i need more support.
So he hasn't wiped the kitchen worktops down (his daily chore) for almost a week and he hasn't cleaned the bathroom (last weekends chore) so I commented that he really needs to get on top of doing his chores...... His response 'yeah we both do'
Woah.... WHAT?!?!
Oh you mean ironing (done it), make the shopping list (done it), cooked tea (done it), prepped tomorrow's tea (done it), washed up (done it), put washing on and then got it dried (done it).
I could not be more frustrated at him right now especially after we have just talked about him needing to help more and he actually thinks that I need to be more on top of my chores (when I do 80% of the work and have done all my chores)
Please tell me your partners are the same!!

OP posts:

magimedi · 30/04/2015 22:57

No, my partner is not the same.

Work is seen, work is done.

I guess it works out about 50/50 but neither of us count it up.

Your DP needs to grow up.

magoria · 30/04/2015 22:58

Nope not at all.

My DP probably does more of the chores than me and I don't even have to ask.

He goes into a room sees something needs doing and does it like an adult.

ZombieZoo · 30/04/2015 23:24

No my DP does his share. We have different chores we do and at the mo he does much more as i looking after the 7 week old

magoria · 30/04/2015 23:31

This is probably not making you feel any better is it Roxie?

He is basically telling you that you are there to be the domestic and you should just get on and do while he does his better/more important stuff because, well he is obviously better/more important than you.

You can stop doing his washing etc

Kiwiinkits · 01/05/2015 00:49

He wasn't talking about chores. What he was really saying in that exchange was "you're attacking me and I feel threatened. So I need to retaliate with something, anything." Just roll your eyes and walk off. We all do stuff that makes our partners want to scream.

BitOutOfPractice · 01/05/2015 03:09

No op not all men are the same (mine's not for instance) but many many many men are. Sadly.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 01/05/2015 04:03

Yes, mine would be similar. Any criticism will be reflected back to me - however stupid or irrelevant. And yes, I too want to scream when he does it (and actually have once or twice).

Aussiebean · 01/05/2015 04:43

It does seem like a very juvenile reaction. You have rightly brought him up on his actions and he response like a 14 year old boy.

BlackBettyBamALam · 01/05/2015 04:49

You're not alone OP, I too seem to have a man-child.

I've found his attitude much worse since DC2 came along ( she's 2.3 ) as now I'm a sahm clearly I have all the time in the world for chores
The split is about 90/10 at the moment on a good day, though much of the time I just do everything myself as I can't deal with the arguments or guilt tripping that comes with a 'discussion' on chores.
This on top of doing all DC's night wakings and having fuck all time off. He has most evenings. He does have a stressful job with quite a bit of travel and he provides well for the family, which I'll always be grateful for, but dear god, I wish he'd give 10 minutes a day and pick up after himself.

Original poster

Roxie85 · 01/05/2015 06:19

It's OK that others are not like it, it only confirms my frustration.
blackbetty mine also has a time consuming job which is why we have lists of responsibility so he knows what is required of him with no excuses. I have begun to truly hate his job and wish he'd give it up and do something else but as he says he likes it I have committed to support him as much as I can.
Our discussions recently have very much been about splitting things more evenly which is why his reply made me want to scream as he can't even handle the few he has.
Yes I guess he was retaliating as I was attacking him and yes it was a teenage response. If he just did his 2 min chores then I wouldn't have to say anything. Or if he just did things without being asked /told I'd never need to say anything.

OP posts:

WyrdByrd · 01/05/2015 06:27

You have rightly brought him up on his actions and he response like a 14 year old boy.

Surely giving him a list of chores is treating him like a 14yo boy though?

Not saying he doesn't need it but wow - he must have some serious growing up to do overall if he can't manage to pitch in without being given a list .

shewept · 01/05/2015 06:39

Dh is very good with household and kids stuff. Does more than his fair share without being told.

But he does say stuff that drives me insane, you have my sympathy. The worst one was when he kept saying ds birth was easier than dds. I ended up going mad as I was in hospital when i went into labour, i laboured for 10 hours on my own and ds tried to come down to early, i was rushed to delivery where they manually dilated me. Dh managed to get there literally as ds was coming out. So yes it was easier for him as he wasn't bloody there.

It's not the same, but he does say stuff a lot that leaves me and

faitaccompli · 01/05/2015 09:02

You are not alone - mine was the same. If I ever asked him to do his chores, his immediate response was to tell me I had not done mine. So I started walking him around the house showing him what I had done and what he had not done. I then started leaving a list on the side of the fridge to be ticked when one of us had done something (including my son) - which included emptying the bin, dishwasher, feeding dog, taking dog for walk, as well as "normal" chores. His name rarely had ticks. It never has ticks now as I asked him to leave 3 weeks ago ... just one of many issues we had.

Nolim · 01/05/2015 09:09

It is infuriating. Mine has stepped up but there was a time where it was ridiculous. For example i would cook, wash the dishes, pans, glasses. I asked him to wash the clutery. His response: "you didnt even wash your own fork."

ALaughAMinute · 01/05/2015 09:40

My H wants a medal every time he puts the rubbish out so you are not alone. He occasionally cooks a meal, and when he does, he leaves such a mess in the kitchen that it's really not worth it.

Another reason why I want to divorce the miserable fucker!

DrMorbius · 01/05/2015 09:57

I had to laugh ALaughAMinute , I used to be the same (many years ago), it drove my DW mad that every time I did something I told her I had done it. She always responded "Do you want a medal" and then she would list (long) of all the things she had done. I soon learned.

Allthelittlefoxes · 01/05/2015 10:01

DH does this - it's almost an 'attack is the best form of defense' kind of thing and it is infuriating. I know that in DH's case he does it as an automatic reaction as he was blamed / belittled a lot by his very dominant father and so he panics when he thinks he's getting into trouble - doesn't make it any less irritating though... Example- me - could you put DS2 in his bath? It's getting quite late' Him - it's not that late, anyway he'd be in his bath by now if I hadn't had to wash your car!' B.O.R.I.N.G

Original poster

Roxie85 · 01/05/2015 13:26

Oh I wish a list was not needed. He is a bit lazy and unorganised and I am a bit stubborn and a perfectionist. He is the sort that says things only need cleaning once they look dirty, yet I want things done on a schedule (ie once a week)
We didn't use to have a list buy then when I mentioned what hadn't been done he used the whole "I would've helped if I'd known" line hence a list so he would help and I wouldn't nag (I am a bit of a nag but I do know I am) Then he just sucks at the list all over again so it's not really helping.
He does lovely things sometimes but yes does think he deserves medal or something (he doesn't see all the stuff I do with no thanks)
He's a teacher so spends almost all his spare time trying to help and teach other people's kid's which after playing with ours leaves little time for housework (did I mention he is also a bit disorganised)

OP posts:

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 01/05/2015 13:37

DH's worst habit is saying "I've done the washing up/whatever for you..."
No you haven't, you've done it because it needed doing and because it was your turn. I'm not the only one who uses the stuff, I'm not the only one who needs it to be clean - you've just done the washing up and there are no medals for it.

JoyceDivision · 01/05/2015 13:46

Hahaa, dh once said that 'I've doing the ironing for you' to which I spun round and smiled, wide eyed saying 'Fpr me? You did it for me? Really?' to which dh immediuately spotted the huge bollck dropped and back tracked quickly.

He does like to tell me what he has been doing, eg 'I carried the washing upstairs, I put the dishwasher on, I mowed the lawn' which I usually respond to as 'Oh, alright'

I don'texpect DH to do loads of houseork, as I work 2 days, he works 5 and he cooks most meals, and sometimes washes up and keeps dishwasher stacked, so I don't have a problem doing housework not because it's my task as the wife, but I'm at home a lot more

Original poster

Roxie85 · 01/05/2015 17:55

Hahaha hilarious. Dh is def the same.
Am pretty sure my issues are inbuilt with him but it didn't help that during mat leave I utilised nap time and was able to get some housework done (although I was lucky if that was an hour) and now I'm back at work full time it appears that things have continued.

OP posts:

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