I don't know what to do, feel alone ��

[nerdinator]

Me and my oh have been together for 8 years, have 2 children and we were teen sweethearts.
I love my oh lots and I know he loves me too but hes really getting on my nerves with comments and his lack of commitment to family life.
This is going to sound awful but hes a useless dad, he cant watch the children, particularly the 2 year old because he cannot stand pooey nappies, they make him heave and throw up. He can watch the children but no longer than 30 mins before he starts wondering where I am. He sits on his xbox from the moment he wakes up till he goes to bed. ( we're both unemployed) hes looking for work after being laid off but I have to do it for him, or he wont which means we will get no money. He has no interest whatsoever in the children meaning I do all parenting and tbh I'm quite sick of it. I've asked him multiple times to pick ds up from school on a couple of occasions to give myself a break as nursery is 30 mins walk away but he wont, he wont even go 5 mins across the road to pick up dd. He does nothing around the house but complains when he has no clean clothes. I've been on strike a couple of times to teach him a lesson but the house gets in such a state he still doesn't lift a finger so I still end up doing it or we'll live in squalor.
I want to do things with the children like swimming but he wont come due to confidence issues, which is understandable but I'm not exactly model material either so have got past this, although I cant take them alone as its 1 parent to 1 child if you have a under 5 (dd is 6 and ds 2)
And finally hes posessive, he wants to know where I am and what I'm doing all the time, doesn't like me wearing makeup and makes comments how I must be going somewhere good to wear makeup because I dont wear it for no reason. Wanting to go out with friends is a battle because he always wants to know when I'm going to be home and practically rings me all the time ruining the entire evening for me. I dont go out often because of financial reasons but its nice to go out now and then and just gert away. He'll sometimes invite himself which can be nice but its awkward turning up with your oh when its all girls or school friends and he just stands in the corner.
He also has an issue with sex toyS. He bought me a rabbit some years ago but I wasn't actually allowed to use it alone and he would put it up a high place so I can't reach it. Last year I decided to buy a mini wand for him to use on me in certain positions and he took it outside to the shed along with the rabbit and a mini vibe and smashed them up because " you dont need sex toys you have me" it makes him feel crap if I need sex toys, which I don't Need but I want to be adventurous.
He actually caught me using the rabbit alone once and threatened to cut his wrists. I actually dont know what to do with myself, I do love him but I dont see myself having a happy life, because I literally get questioned over everything I do, I did suffer depression after ds was born and he wasn't supportive at all, I'm now good but I also suffer from trichotillomania which is striggered by stress, its making it worse.

I've spoke to mil lots of times and she just said he loves me too much, hes a man and he also has ADHD and often tells me it's his Adhd why he is how he is.
He doesn't understand that sometimes I just want time on my own with no children and him.

I dont know what to do
I'm not totally miserable all the time but when I think of all the things above it makes me angry and then I start thinking of maybe leaving. We still laugh, joke and are intimate, you wouldn't think anything was wrong but I cant help feeling like this.

Is this the life you want? Is it a life you want for either of your kids now or when they're older and in a relationship?

No? Then leave. Honestly, he brings absolutely fuck all to your lives besides hassle and resentment the sound of it. Having a laugh and sex does not make up for what he lacks - which seems to be everything a mature father and partner should have.

If you're happy to carry on like this forever then that's your choice - bur you do have other choices too and it is okay to walk away from something that doesn't make you happy.

I actually feel quite sad for you reading this there is so much better out there.

He sounds about 14. Is that enough for you? He needs to shape up fast or else. However, I doubt he will bother. He's moved from his dm doing everything for him and enabling his behaviour to you. And unfortunately you are enabling him.

Does this childish cunt have any good points at all?

What is it that makes you think he loves you ?

Let me get this straight... He has no job, but can't find time to collect his kids from nursery or do the most basic housework... He plays Xbox from dawn until dusk, he is sexuality threatening and abusive to you.

What exactly is to like, let alone love, about him?

I guarantee you your life will improve without him. He brings nothing of any value to your life.

Would it be difficult to leave?

Your feelings are totally normal: you are with an abusive loser. It is impossible to be happy in a relationship with such a person.

Given that he provides nothing for the family, you'd be better off without him: you'd have the same amount of work, but no stress linked to feeling let down by a partner. Nor would you be controlled and threatened anymore, as you currently are regarding your nights out and your sex life.

Does leaving him seem an option to you?

Dump him! He sounds just like my ex. You will be much happier without him, trust me

He sounds like a total waste man.

Please don't spend the rest of your life being his servant.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What is keeping you within this at all. Fear, obligation, guilt?.

He brings nothing to this but pain for you and by turn your children as well. They are being dragged down by him as you currently are and you cannot fully protect them from his behaviours either. They see and hear far more than you care to realise and see how upset, stressed and worried you are.

Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 can help you leave.

I would get this abusive individual out of your life asap. Do you know what love is?. You do not love him really; I do not think you actually know what a mutually loving relationship actually is. Its certainly not this poor example of one. You are perhaps mired in your own co-dependency issues. You enable him like his mother did before you. He is likely also to be the root cause of your ongoing trichotillomania and depressed states, you do realise this?.

Is this really the relationship example you want to show our children; that this is how couple behave in relationships?. You are simply modelling what an abusive relationship is like to them and that is what they will learn from you both about relationships.

His mother will back her darling boy to the hilt anyway so it was no point in talking to her at all.

Yes it would be difficult to leave. The house is mainly in his name although we discussed before living here, if anything was to happen between us he would transfer to tenency over to me, he couldn't stay here alone, the rent would not be paid for a single man living in a 3 bed house. Although I could see him being difficult.
His mum also wouldn't back him, she'd probably let him move in with her but overall she'd blame him for our relationship failing.
And yes I am pretty sure he loves me, hes very affectionate, tells me he loves me all the time and generally does appreciate everything I do, hes just soo lazy. Unless hes just pretending, I dont know.

Basically you are acting as a cook, cleaner, housekeep & nanny while the man who claims to love you watches on.........

He watches on because you let him.

He is possessive with you because he knows he is utterly rubbish and you are not.

The other reason he is possessive is because he is so blind sided by his own self that he cannot understand that despite you carrying out all the above roles in the home that you deserve a little me time on occasion.

If you want to stay with this man I suggest you start to gets serious with him. And mean it. Tell him all of your concerns and ask if he can start participating in family life.

Remind him the children and house are his responsibility too and that if he wasn't around you wouldn't notice because you are like a single parent anyway.

You can't change him but you can stop him treating you this way by asking him to leave if he does not change of his own accord after you spell out your issues to him.

Don't listen to what he says, watch what he does about it.

P.s I think it's pathetic that this slob won't even pick his child up from nursery. Some role model......

There are an awful lot of assumptions in your post not least of all the tenancy, he potentially moving back in with mum, you being pretty sure that he loves you (he does not).

What do you mean by mainly in his name; are you at all featured on the tenancy?. I would think you are not.

Words are cheap OP, look at his actions towards you. Actions speak far louder than words and his contempt for you really shows no bounds. You really want your eldest DD who is six and is absorbing knowledge like a sponge learning that his abuse of you is normal?.

What a loser. ADHD is not spending all day on the xbox and refusing to do a single thing. How can you love someone so lazy and abusive?

He has more regard for his x-box than he has ever had for you.

You were likely targeted by this individual OP - I guess you were in a pretty bad place yourself emotionally when you met him. He has simply further dragged you down with him.

I not sure many of us recognise your definition of love.When you love someone you want them to be happy so you are supportive of their needs and desires which means at times you act unselfishly.How can he watch you do all the work and feel that he is loving? He isn't able to act in an unselfish way and only wants what is best for him.I can't imagine my husband turning up for a night out and standing in the corner! He seems very controlling and I suspect you are just starting to see it.

I think you may need to label his behaviour - he is controlling, lazy and selfish towards you and the children on a regular basis.You can't change him, he has to have the motivation to do it himself.

I guess you are young, do you have family support?

Yes it would be difficult to leave.

It is also difficult to stay with him. It's also making you unhappy and unwell.

I don't think you should make a decision to leave him. I think that you should gather information so that you can make an informed decision later. So, get some legal advice about the tenancy and what you could do if he "decided to be difficult". Look in to the finances and what you would be entitled to as a single mum.
Secondly, keep talking on here. Run a few more things about your relationship past others on your thread.

You have 3 three children, not 2

Not convinced this is a love situation. Sounds more like habit. You have been together from such a young age that he's almost imprinted as part of your life because you've effectively had to 'grow up together' - or not in his case. It will be tough to extract yourself from this. Was he the same after the first child? He does some some major ostrich behaviour. Many things we all have to do in life that we don't like - changing nappies is one of them. He's also very controlling, he knows he's a bad catch so why would you not meet someone better while out? Had an ex that said that, he was right, that's why he's an ex. Not because I met someone else, he was bad enough to boot out out and go it alone, as yours is. It will be easier in the long run to end this. You will get more financial help and support than he can give. Check out if there is a way to transfer tenancy to your name, not sure how you can 'partly' be named - surely you are or you are not. He may be misleading you on your rights but it's better to find out where you stand CAB?
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No atilla I wasnt in a bad place when I met him, I was a happy teen with lots of friends, as was he.

As for the tenency yes I am on it but he is on it as the main occupier which means I have no rights, we tried to change it and the LL said no as my name is on there already.

I believe I'm labelled on the tenency as "allowed occupant"

You would be so much better off without this man child in your life!

Get some legal advice. Find out about your tenancy agreement - you are either on it or not and if not I'm not sure you have any right to be living there. It will be easier once you have more information.

What do your own family think of him? Could you go back to them?

He may say he loves you - but he doesn't act like he does.

Do you want your DC to watch how he treats you and think that is acceptable? Because if they live with this model they will end up in a relationship just the same as this one. Surely you want better for them than this?

I would contact Women's Aid if I were you. And if he threatens to hurt himself call the police/ambulance. You cannot fix him because he doesn't want to be repaired.

I think you need to certainly obtain proper legal advice re your rights pertaining to this tenancy agreement.

What do your own family think of him, are they supportive of you at all now?.

He though was always troubled and targeted you OP precisely because he could (and has almost succeeded) in tearing you down. He saw something in you which he could exploit to his own ends and your own rescuer/saving tendencies came into play. You cannot fix or save him, you can only save your own self by getting away from this and as soon as possible. Such types as well hate women, all of them.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What innate need of yours is he meeting here?. Something is keeping you within this so what is it?.
He is making you both unhappy and unwell and your children see all this; this is not a mutually loving relationship at all but one where the power and control is firmly with him.

Omg!! Give him an ultimatum-if he doesn't change leave him. What a low life!