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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

To think leaving my husband might be even more stressfull that staying?

11 replies

BananaHammocks · 30/04/2015 15:06

We live in his home town near his family and friends so I don't feel I have anyone I could stay with.

My parents live 2 hours away, I'll probably have to go back to them if I leave but my job (and DD's nursery) are here.

I'd have to hand in my notice at work and have to go to work for a month with everyone knowing whats happening and I'd be totally useless.

If I tell DH to leave (while I work my notice) he could easily stay with his parents but then I'd be on my own in our home with DD and no friends/family around at the shittest time of my life and he'd probably make me feel guilty about making him leave as he has put a lot more money in to the house.

I think it would be difficult to find a new (part-time) job back in my home town AND find a nursery at short notice to fit in with the hours.

We have a mortgage, child, cat, joint bank account and a house full of stuff we'd have to sort out.

I'd feel horrifically guilty about taking DD 2 hours away from PIL who look after her once a week and adore her.

DH would obviously still see DD, so I guess I'd be coming back here every other weekend or so.

I'd still have to see him.

I'd feel awful about our parents having paid for most of our wedding and all the guests who spent money on a present and/or staying overnight, it was less than 2 years ago.

Has anyone else been in this position and done it? How awful was it?

OP posts:

Mumblechum1 · 30/04/2015 15:08

Why do you want to split?

HagOtheNorth · 30/04/2015 15:10

Have you posted on the relationships board? There are a lot of experienced and helpful people over there.

lalalonglegs · 30/04/2015 15:13

YABU to worry about your wedding guests not getting a proper return on their presents/hotel stay. I'd say the situation of splitting up but remaining in the same town sounds viable if the split could be amicable - is there any reason to think it won't be?

BertieBotts · 30/04/2015 15:16

I really, really suggest you get this moved to Relationships. Relationships threads never go well on AIBU.

That said. Leaving is a little bit like ripping off a plaster. It's awful at the time and until things settle, and then everything becomes normal, the bad times stop, the little niggles when things are normal are gone, you can be settled, you can grieve the relationship, you can move on in time.

You would not be considering leaving if you weren't unhappy, so don't feel that you need to justify that.

You would have to see your ex at handovers, yes, but you would not have to stay for contact - I'd recommend that you don't, actually. Less confusing.

Original poster

BananaHammocks · 30/04/2015 15:19

We wouldn't be in the same town, I have no friends or family here and don't like my job that much. So a 2 hour drive there and the same back for hand overs.

How do I get this moved?

OP posts:

BertieBotts · 30/04/2015 15:24

Click report on your original post :)

You could meet halfway for contact, at a soft play centre, park, swimming pool or similar. Drop her off with him and you spend a couple of hours in the cafe with a book. Or alternate - one week you drive to him, one week he drives to you. It doesn't have to be all you just because you instigate the split. When you say nursery I guess she's quite young, so weekly would be best to begin with, perhaps with a skype call midweek, but as she gets older you can stretch out visiting more.

MNHQ

BeccaMumsnet · 30/04/2015 15:25

Hi there BananaHammocks - we'll pop this over to Relationships for you now.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 30/04/2015 15:27

I've left my DH, it's been hideous, really hideous and yes it would have been easier to stay.

However, one day it will be worth it when the dust settles. We only get one life, I just couldn't stand the thought of just making do.

Vivacia · 30/04/2015 15:45

Why do you want to separate?

What's your list look like for staying together?

hellsbellsmelons · 30/04/2015 15:49

Why do want to end this?
Abuse? fallen out of love? It doesn't really matter that much because you can end any relationship for any reason.

And for handovers you would do one way and him the other or you meet half way.
Thousands of people do this and manage it.
It's daunting, it's scary as fuck but if you want to make yourself happy then it needs to happen.
You get one shot at life. Don't live it where aren't happy.

GoatsDoRoam · 30/04/2015 15:53

Practical issues are never insurmountable. But they are useful excuses for not taking risks.

Don't get bogged down in the never-ending analysis of details. Instead, ask yourself if leaving him is really what you want to do, and really worth doing. If the answer is yes, then all the practical details will just become so many things to tick off a To Do list, as you work towards your goal of freeing yourself from this marriage.

Leaving or staying is something you do for your own integrity. It's got nothing to do with bank accounts and wedding gifts.

So, which path is the one with the most integrity? Take that one.

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