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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Helping someone with suicidal thoughts?

10 replies

justaplainjane · 30/04/2015 09:28

Sorry if this is in the wrong place i'm new to the site. Last night my boyfriend admitted to me that for the last few days he has been having suicidal thoughts and said if it wasn't for me he wouldn't be here now as he would have given up long ago. There is a lot of stuff going on in his family at the moment which has triggered all this (step-father was told he had 6 months to live 8 months ago, sister in hospital with bi-polar for the last year and he is worried his mum is close to having another nervous breakdown). He is refusing to seek help from a GP, counsellor or helpline (even CALM which is specifically for young men, he is only just 22) and i'm running out of ideas of what to try. So what i'm asking is has anyone got any advice/experience on what I should do? I have thought about calling the Samaritans myself but wasn't sure if they would be able to help me? Thanks

OP posts:
RubbishMantra · 30/04/2015 09:37

Someone will come along who can advise you better than I can I'm sure. Contact your local mental health crisis team. Have a chat with them. You should be able to find the number by googling.

Remind him that suicide is a very permanent solution to problems that will most likely resolve themselves.

Have you got support yourself?

LadyBlaBlah · 30/04/2015 09:44

If he won't talk to professionals and will only talk to you, then all you can do is listen to his feelings and experiences.

There is a really good TED talk that he might watch. The main thing is to break down the shame associated with feeling like you cannot cope.

www.ted.com/talks/kevin_breel_confessions_of_a_depressed_comic

PeppermintCrayon · 30/04/2015 09:50

Anyone who wants to can call Samaritans.

I think it's really important for you to know that you aren't responsible for fixing this. I'm a bit concerned that he's making you responsible for his feelings. He has said he wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you, and refused any other help. That's not fair. Nobody is responsible for standing between someone else and suicide, alone, without help. (And I speak as a survivor of a suicide attempt.)

Don't try to reason with him or talk him out of it. RubbishMantra's advice comes from a well meaning place but I'd strongly advise you don't start try to talk him out of it. What I would suggest is:

  • Tell him that you can't cope alone. You can't be his only source of support. It's not possible or realistic.
  • Call Mind's info line for some advice.
  • Tell him you are sorry he is feeling so desperate but he needs expert help, and he needs to see his GP.
  • if he continues to talk about feeling suicidal while refusing to go to the doctor consider calling emergency services.

It is not your job to make him feel better. He needs professional help and it is not fair to put it all on you, however desperate and down he feels. Please don't try to take all responsibility. And do call Mind.

PeppermintCrayon · 30/04/2015 09:51

"If he won't talk to professionals and will only talk to you, then all you can do is listen to his feelings and experiences."

Sorry but it's not reasonable for anyone to be burdened with this alone.

cailindana · 30/04/2015 09:52

Acknowledge his feelings and ask if he has a plan. If he does have a plan remind him that even if he feels like going ahead with it, there's no rush and you'd like to hear from him first, so if there's any point at which he's about to do it the first thing to do is to ring you (if you're ok with that responsibility). Keep talking to him as much as you can and if you're ever worried he's about to do something stupid, call the police or an ambulance. Keep reminding him that there is help there but don't force him to get it. Remember that if he does go ahead and do something it is not your fault. Look after yourself too and get support if you need it. You can ring the Samaritans or go to your GP if you need to. It is ok to back away and say you can't deal with this situation - he is very unwell and you are not equipped to make him better.

Original poster
justaplainjane · 30/04/2015 10:13

I know I'm not responsible and can walk away but at the end of the day he is the man I love and I want to help him get through this. He has had counselling in the past for depression (the first time his step father had cancer and after a few really bad relationships) but by the sounds of it the counsellor had no interest in him at all and was no help, which is why he is reluctant to see one again. I think I will ring the Samaritans and see what they say. Do you think offering to help him to email the Samaritans would be a good idea?

OP posts:
RubbishMantra · 30/04/2015 10:19

I didn't suggest that OP should attempt to talk him out of it Peppermint.

crazyhead · 30/04/2015 10:50

I worked for the Samaritans for years. I'd definitely call or drop in, both for some ideas about support for him but also for yourself because this is tough, especially given his reluctance to seek other support and him saying that you are the only reason he is keeping going. You get different Samaritans volunteers every time you call/drop in, and some may suit you more than others so give it more than one call. As others say, contact other agencies as well. The Samaritans are a listening service rather than giving practical advice so be aware of that.

Do ask him to talk about his feelings - this won't make it more likely he will attempt suicide. Just listening can really help.

Do ask him if this is about him feeling that he doesn't want to exist any longer, or about him just not wanting to be in the situation he is in at the moment. People's suicidal feelings come from different places and it can be helpful to help him to break down what this is about for him.

Do ask HIM about what he thinks might help the situation for him - counselling might not appeal but maybe there is something else he can think of?

It can be really hard when people who are suicidal or depressed don't reach for the practical support options - obviously you desperately want to fix things for people you love - but often people are aware of them but aren't in a place where they can't reach for them just yet. So don't feel you've failed because he won't take these up at the moment.

Finally a reiteration - get YOURSELF some support too because this puts you in a profoundly stressful position

MegTheCat · 30/04/2015 11:29

[ counsellingresource.com/lib/therapy/self-help/understanding-depression/ ]
Trying to do a link but not sure it will work
I found this helpful (as someone just diagnosed with depression who has been having suicidal thoughts).

Original poster
justaplainjane · 30/04/2015 15:51

Thanks for the help and information, I think I will call the Samaritans tomorrow. As for me I'm not sure whether to confide in any of my friends but think I will talk to my dad who has suffered severe depression for the last 8 years, and has been in a similar place to my bf.

OP posts:
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