Frustrated

[adora1]

Been with my partner for a few years now and all is usually great, he's very laid back, kind and easy going.

Problem is when an issue arises that I feel strongly about, he just doesn't see it and bury's his head in the sand about anything important, it makes me feel uncomfortable about our future together.

For instance, he worked self employed for 4 weeks a couple of years ago, turns out IR are now fining him for not doing a self assessment, he's up to £1500 in fines now for ignoring it and he actually only owes a couple of hundred, things like this frustrate me and we always argue, with him calling me a nag as I do go on and do tend to repeat myself, I am just so angry about it - he then retreats into himself even more and we have a stale mate. We don't live together or share money but it makes me feel annoyed that he lets things get that far. Anything I think important that he should be doing, he will drag his feet and I just moan about the same thing, it's a vicious circle as I end up saying not very nice things, he says nothing and just goes off in a huff.

We are both in our forties and I just feel he never addresses anything that matters and it makes me feel like I don't have a secure future with him, I want to plan our years ahead, he prefers to just take each day as it comes - which is fine when you are younger!

Other than that we have a lot of laughs and fun together, am I being OTT or are we just completely mismatched?

Run like the wind. Honestly. He will drag you down with him. Someone with this lack of responsibility towards finances is going to frustrate you and eventually cost you.

Believe me. Been there Done that.

If, however, you have plenty of money to fund you both into your old age, then stop nagging, and enjoy the time you have together. But he won't change - and at some point he will stop saying nothing, and start being horrid to you.

He's actually pretty good with his finances so this incident shocked me as well as pissed me off.

No I won't be funding his lifestyle!

It's not so much the money thing, it's his lack of motivation to either improve his lot or move up if you know what I mean.

He has already said to me that he thinks I think I am too good for him - which I do feel sometimes, without sounding a right bitch, it's more about feeling like we are on the same page, rather than trying to be better!

He saying nothing so I just sit there going on and on, I feel like a mother scolding a young child, then it can look like it's me who has lost the plot!

He's not pretty good with money he's shit to have to pay £1000+ for a few hundred quid

That said get off his case he's a grown up and has chosen to live his life the way he wants it. I doubt he'll change he sounds like he likes the way things are

The question is do you accept that or are you willing to love him as he is ?

That is exactly how I felt - that I was the one being ridiculous when he had not sorted out his tax return (owed nothing, but ended up having to pay £600 for being late), didn't sort out some benefits from before he met me, and ended up having to pay back benefits of £4.5k that he was actually due, but because he could not be bothered to fill in the documentation, had to pay it back. That is just the tip of his personal financial iceberg!

And it was other things as well. And it drove me insane (and I then drove him insane by nagging him). He would only do whatever he was interested in and this went right down the line to not being able to hold down a job. It was a waste of a life to be honest.

I can comment on this from the other side. I used to fear the finances and HMRC. I procrastinated then it would seem worse than it was and I'd blow things out of proportion.

I grew out of it, although can still have things get on top of me if I don't deal with them in a timely way and the fear can build.

I'm a person that functions best doing things as they crop up, I'm not great with backlogs.

From everything you have written, it sounds like you are trying to force him to be someone he is not.

He is not the man you want him to be.

You are frustrated when he is not the man you want him to be. You scold him. You moan. You are annoyed. You want him to be on the same page as you, which is better than the one he is actually on. You say he is happy with the page he is actually on.

You know what's going on there don't you? He's not the man you want. You are incompatible.

Stop trying to change the poor bugger, cut him loose and get on with looking for someone who likes your page and let him get on with finding someone who is content with his page.

Totally get what you are all saying and Melon - you are so right even though it's hard reading, I just don't know if I can walk away from a man that I love so much and been with for so long......is it really insurmountable......perhaps I am kidding myself....don't know really...

Echoing MellonBallers: you have one of two options: accepting him as he is, or leaving.

But you can't stay with him and find him unacceptable: those two things just can't co-exist.

So you need to either stretch your tolerance about this issue, or conclude that for you this is true dealbreaker. There is no right or wrong answer here: only what you feel deep down holds right and true for you.

Good luck, it's a difficult thing to work out.