Talk me through the process of LTB (major handholding!)

[OnTheRoadToLTB]

I know what I must do (LTB) but I am scared. I lack any practical acumen. By that I mean, I have very little in the way of independent life experience. I have gone from living with an EA infantising mother to living with an EA infantising husband. I have 2 children (3 and 4 years old) although he is NOT EA to them.

For the first time in my life, I have a wage albeit only around 10K, so I have the means, but I just do not know where to start.

How do I go about getting accommodation in place before I LTB?

Am I entitled to any benefits? (For instance, to help pay the rent).

What about the children? I'm fine with not having custody.

If you recognise my story from a previous namechange, please don't mention it, as I strongly suspect my husband has read that thread.

What do you mean, you are fine with not having custody? Do you mean you are prepared to leave the children behind?

Yes, that's what I mean dollius. This is their home and DH is primary carer.

hi i have copied and pasted this from my personal files. Someone on MN helped me with similar:

I hope it helps you

Custody does not exist, legally there is a "statement of child arrangements" detailing where and when each parent has children form the marriage. If your H is EA then you might need to have this formally (legally agreed) as he will/may use the DC to get at you...mine cetrtainly did.

Find somewhere to go...think about how you will or won;t accommodate the children. The CAB may be helpful here.

MONEY

1. Get a bank account in your sole name (look at money saving expert, you only need a simple account...not one with minimum pay ins/charges etc) if you don't already have one. ditto credit card and take his name off any joint cards where you are the primary card holder.
2. Tell the council that you are a single adult occupancy home, they will reduce your council tax immediately.
3. go through bills and change them to your name only if you stay put in your current home.
4. Change Child benefit to go into your sole account if you have children with you.
5. tell tax credit helpline that you are now a single parent and get them to reassess your entitlements and pay into your sole account
6. Go to entitledto.com and check you are in receipt of any and all benefits that you are entitled to

CHILDREN
Contact is for the benefit of the children. If you think you can work out an amicable plan and that you will be able to abide by it, do it. If he is/was an involved father and can keep the adult stuff out of his relationship with the children so much the better (ditto you). Depending on the age of the DC and their needs he can take them out or to relatives or round ot his home. Don't be tempted to have contact in your home or his...it will mess with your head and the children's. If you need to talk together then do it somewhere neutral, with no DC.

LAWYER UP...when you are ready
Read everything you can get your hands on. Get familiar with the language of family law and procedure and try to get an understanding of your rights BEFORE you see a solicitor. There is a good little book published by Which...it saved me hundreds of pounds as I went in prepared. Get word of mouth recommendations for family lawyers in your area if possible.
A divorce will not be granted where children are involved unless there are agreed arrangements for finance, and care of the children (“Statement of Arrangements for Children”). It is obviously quicker and cheaper if this can be agreed but if there is no agreement, the Court will make an Order (“Residence and Contact” regarding children, “Financial Order” or “Ancillary Relief” in the case of Finance)

Many family lawyers will offer the first half hour consultation free. Make use of this. Don’t just stick with the first lawyer you find – shop around and find someone you feel comfortable with. You may be in for a long haul, so it helps if you can find a solicitor you’re happy with.

If you can’t find any local recommendations, always see a solicitor who specialises in Family Law. You can search by area here:
www.resolution.org.uk/

Mediation
You will be encouraged to attend mediation to agree finances and child contact arrangements if you can't do this between yourselves. It's cheaper than lawyers or courts battling it out and effective where there is no abuse in the relationship

DirectGov advice on divorce, separation and relationship breakdown:
www.direct.gov.uk/en/Governmentcitizensandrights/Divorceseparationandrelationshipbreakdown/index.htm

Legal Rights
www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/legal.php#children_relationship_breakdown

Handy 5 Minute benefit check, tax and housing benefit calculators:
www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/

Child Maintenance Calculator: www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance

Support and information.www.gingerbread.org.uk/

I am sorry this has happened, i hope you will find your way through the mess, both emotional and practical and will be able to come out the other side ready for a new and better life.

Mm... watch that. If he's unfit to be a decent partner to you then chances are that he's not a great person to guide your children growing up. It's fine when they're small, but when they get a bit older and start getting their own ideas is when the mind games will start. Having an EA parent didn't work out so well for you, did it? You ended up with another of the same for a partner. Your children could either end up vulnerable to the same or, worse IMO, become EA themselves. As the more reasonable parent (by definition if the other is abusive) you need to keep a strong influence in their lives. Not necessarily main residence but frequent, quality access time at the very least. They're probably too young for 50-50.

Thanks you two. Is CAB a good place to start? I literally have no clue about getting accommodation.

btw, I have no family to help out, so literally no place to stay.

As a non resident single parent I doubt you would be eligible for any financial support.

*single adult

I'm really shocked. You have a man here who is emotionally abusive to you and you are prepared to just hand over the children to him? He's not abusive to them at the moment because most abusive people are not abusive to everyone they live with - they divide and conquer. How much nicer it is for them to abuse one person and be nice to another so that when the abused person complains to the other, they're told the abuser is really a nice bloke.

In a practical sense you will be entitled to hardly anything if you're earning £10,000 per year and have no children living with you.

I've looked it up for you. You'd get £25.12 per week for tax credits and £10.36 for housing benefit - this assumes you will be paying about £86 pw rent.

Remember, once you leave the house the children will never live with you again.

If the partner is primary carer then the OP will not be able to take the children.

You could look for a cheap house share until you find your feet, you will need to pay maintenance - and when you do make sure it has a very clear paper trail, signed receipts, witnesses etc.

Once you have found your feet a little then you can start looking at ways to support your children and to perhaps make a safe place for them for when they are older.

Good luck

Are you working full time ?

But is the partner not working, then? In that position I would promptly give up my job, kick him out and get another job. I would not let an emotionally abusive man be the primary carer of my children anyway.

If I remember rightly OP doesn't want the children, not even as a 50/50 arrangement.

OP if that's the case then it's very easy.

Accommodation - Find a room to rent in a shared house, via your local paper or gumtree. You could be moved in there within a week or two.

Benefits - I'd be surprised if you're entitled to anything if you're earning 10k and don't have custody of your children. You'll be paying maintenance to your ex of course. I guess you'll have to look for an additional or better paid job or ask for more hours.

Children - What about them? What exactly do you want to know?

On 10k a year, is that part time? Can you get extra hours from your company? Do you have any savings to pay a deposit?

It's going to be very dependent on what area you live in, but if you're in the south, you'll probably need to get a house or flat share. If you're in the north, you might be able to afford a bedsit or one bed flat.

I won't judge you for not wanting the kids full time, but have you thought that he will poison them against you? He will constantly tell them that you walked out because you didn't love them, and you'll have a hard battle overcoming that if you've just got contact EOW. Please be very sure you're making the right decision.

Do you both work full time or is oh the sahd?