Please help...getting the courage to divorce EA man. 6 month old baby.

[Rachel909]

Hi everyone,

Well I have finally done it. Concluded that I don't want this sort of sick relationship modelled to my daughter.

I have a long list of stuff written down, going back a few years. To read it back is gross.

I threatened divorce a few weeks ago. He had been a changed man since then. Suddenly stopping passive aggression, viciousness and all other tricks in the blink of an eye. As another poster said, the fact he could stop this so quickly proves that he was aware of what he was doing, but just didn't care enough to stop!

Thank God something else has happened this weekend which is the final straw. I have also discovered a text sent two years ago to his friend after a holiday in which he got horribly drunk one night. He fell over, then I fell too, trying to get him up. He bragged to his friend about this in the text, but the sickening thing is that he embellished my injury for effect, saying "Rachel's arm got infected! - " This is not true! What sort of sicko embellishes his wife's injury as some sort of drinking story badge? Vile animal. His knob mate replied "Good work!" Losers.

Anyway, I have fire in my belly and a list of stuff to read and remind myself of. I'd love some help, advice, practical stuff, moral support, a shoulder to cry on. I am dying inside for my little girl, but I know that it is the best for her in the long run. I am wobbling between being brave and frightened. I also have MS - it's mild, but I have been having symptoms, prob due to stress. A part of me feels afraid I am going to end up sick and alone. I'm only 38 though, plenty of time to meet someone who truly respect me.

We were about to buy our first home together and all that has been stopped. We are renting til August. I don't know how we can stay in the same house together til then..? I have suggested we take turns at staying at our parents homes...he is refusing.

What do I do about divorcing him? Who do I call? I don't think you can get Legal Aid where I live (a different jurisdiction in GB) . I do have money, a large amount from my Dad as part of inheritance. It's 50k. Can he get his hands on this? I'm not sure he would try this as he has an ego through the roof.

Help!

You need to go and consult a lawyer ASAP. Well done, taking such a brave step! You and your wee girl will have a far better life without this bully in your faces every day.

Well done, call a lawyer, protect your inheritance, see no reason why you should continue renting together, go to your parents. Good luck

Solicitor is your first stop as soon as you possibly can and take their lead.

If you can try and find another rental place. That way the home is just yours and he will not be allowed to enter it without your say so. Or move in with your parents on a temp basis?

Well done for having the courage to finish it but please stay on your guard. Do not let his attempts at niceness/good behaviour lead you in to a false sense of security. You need to cover all basis and only tell him what he needs to know.

Good luck.

Thanks everyone.

I have made an appointment with Shit Hot Lawyer for tomorrow.

Good point Regina. Funnily enough, he has just come back from work, having been "unable to concentrate" with a sad puppy dog face on, asking for a trial separation. I said, no, it's divorce. He has now gone out.

Problem with staying with parents is that mother is a narcissist and was EA to me in my childhood. I'm the scapegoat. All makes sense doesn't it...:-( So, whilst things are ok with her now, (as I have towed the line and got married and had a baby) I don't trust her and in reality, it might be going from the cauldron into the fire, esp as she will prob see divorce as some sort of slight on her and could turn nasty.

I think I going to find somewhere to live, just the two of us is prob the best. Like right now, today.

My instinct is telling me I am on the right track. I feel energised by the thought of getting out which tells me its the right thing to do.

Sorry about your mum

Finding a home that is just yours is a great step forward. It will not only give you security but also give you somewhere you can think clearly. It is likely he will try all sorts to win his way back in. Be prepared for nasty/controlling/threatening behaviour when the nice good boy trick doesn't work.

Also sorting out child access is a must so you need to speak to SHL about that too.

OMG - he has sent his Dad in! A proper flying monkey. His Dad sent me a text saying to not break up, we have a great relationship etc! I have a good mind to send up everything I have written down about his emotionally abusive son.

Erm what has it got to do with his dad???

Just ignore the text. However if you feel the need to reply say this:

Thank you for the text however I hope you can understand that what happens in a relationship is rarely seen from the outside. Baring this in mind the decision to split up is mine and although I appreciate that it is upsetting for people I would like for them to respect what is a private matter between myself and DP.

Otherwise he will use emotional blackmail too.

His dad says you have a great relationship? What an amazing man, all this and telepathic too.

Bear in mind that, just as your mother conditioned you to accept emotional abuse, his dad may well be a factor in the way your H turned out. There's no point trying to educate FIL if this is the case. He'd only argue and belittle your points.

I don't know the answer to the inheritance question, especially if the law is different where you are. It may depend on circumstances eg how long ago you inherited it and how long you've been married. Best get some legal advice on that. (At least you can afford it!)

Quite guys. It's got bugger all to do with him. I did respond with a text of that nature Regina. :-)

Yep Annie, STBX told me of a few incidents of physical abuse by FIL when he was a kid. He is also a chip of the old block with his bulldozing, bullying ways. So talking to FIL = futile.

I don't think he would come after the money - he has a huge ego surrounding material wealth. It would not look favourably on him. But going to speak to SHL tomorrow anyway.

Have started looking at flats and am going to view some tomorrow. I am standing for no more of this bull.

Thanks for the responses - checking in on here every so often is giving me the impetus I need.

x

I always wanted to ask my pils to imagine how bad things must be that a mum with a new baby (very vulnerable position, needing support etc etc) would prefer to be alone without that support.

But silence is better. It's simply none of his business. I take it that your fil discusses the ins and outs of his relationship with you?

Well done.

I left my (mostly) emotionally, sometimes physically abusive, lazy, vile excuse for a human being stbxh nearly 18 months ago. I stayed with my mum in the very short term, it was very difficult, was essentially homeless with a 6 month old baby and I was completely broken. Emotionally wrought out, severe PND, no money as on Mat leave, no savings, nothing. Walked out with DS and a suitcase of documents and nothing else after he strangled me.

18 months on and I live in a lovely little quiet terrace with just me and my son, life is great. Only recently have I felt strong enough to start divorce proceedings but just the time and space from him have changed my life. My Son is much happier and much more settled too, it's amazing that I didn't pick up on the things that were linked to what he was witnessing even so young.

I am mentally much much better now.

Just wanted to say that you can do it. Well done.

Could you get some support from Women's Aid? I hear they're very busy during the day, but are easier to get through to after 7pm. Or you could email them.

See what your SHL says tomorrow and if you still need emotional support, then call WA.

Hi all,

Ninety, I might say just that if FIL asks again. He replied to my "mind your own business" message with "be careful about throwing away something so precious" - ha! He is deluded.

I am going to call WA tonight thanks Althea.

Fairy, you are brave. Well done. I look forward to a time where I can feel relaxed and happy. I'm so glad you and your little boy are at peace. What a vile individual you escaped from. I think I am going to go to the doctors. I have been crying lots and am worried about PND.

I have made a huge list of reasons for divorce to add to my file of unreasonable behaviours over the years and made a horrible discovery. He ticks most psychopathic traits. How could I have been so stupid? I had a few warning signs not long after we got married, which I chose to ignore.

Thanks for your help x