Why on earth can't I move on!!advice please

[Lookingforabetteryear]

I was in a relationship for 2 years. Most intense highs but most intense lows. He had a son from previous marriage. I got pregnant, he was happy at first then got v depressed , often aggressive and v nasty to me. This lead to me becoming a single parent shortly after my babies birth. We lives together, he left me to deal with fallout of unpaid bills / landlord etc. I've had to move 200 miles away for family support and had to get a new job. My life has moved on but I just can't seem to get him
Off my mind alot of the time. From the outside it looks like I've moved on but I cant move on from the hurt and pain. It's been 1 year since we split. He txts me alot asking about baby and he sees baby every few weeks. He has since got back with ex wife after being apart from Her for 5 years. Please help! Why is he always on my mind?

Why should you have moved on so soon? I think you will manage it after a while. You clearly thought you could be together when you got pregnant, so you will have imagined years of future together. For it to all fall apart and you be single is a big shock. Keep working on moving on, but don't beat yourself up for still dealing with it now.

Thank you

It's funny I have been feeling the same as you today, 18 months on and I've had a few really difficult days consumed by thoughts of my ex and that at the moment it seems as though he's getting the happy ever after and left me with the shitty end of the stick.

I read lots of threads with people having seemingly moved on and feeling happy and strong just months after being left and think ' why can't that be me?'

I guess the answer is that you just have to get through it in your own time, like grief everybody does it at their own pace and there's no set time frame for these kind of things. However I can dish out the advice but not so good at following my it

Isn't there some old wives tale of the time it takes you to get over a relationship is half the length of the relationship? So if you had a 2 year relationship, on average you are talking at least a year.

& I think this is just about "dating". If you have children together, it will take longer.

In today's society we are all conditioned to high-speed disposable everything... quick dating/quick relationships/quick recovery. But it's unnatural.

On the other hand, it maybe you had a toxic set up. From my own perspective - I am still not really over a horrific "non-relationship" -but I think that's more because I was obsessed with him rather than actually in love with him. Sometimes wanting someone who buffs hot and cold becomes a bit addictive. That's my situation not yours - but just saying that sometimes unpleasant behaviour can become like a magnetic draw.

Thank you. I don't know what's wrong with me- I keep imagining him and his partner being happy and doing nice things together. He was awful to me alot of the time but I keep thinking back to the happy times which where amazing.
It's like he's never off my mind. Arghh. I keep
Reminding myself he emotionally abused me and left me with a newborn baby but I just can't seem to hate him.

A few things combined I think. First it sounds a bit addictive, the highs and the lows. In view of that, try to be glad of some time alone with your baby, it breaks the habit and gives you time to reflect about what was healthy and unhealthy about the relationship rather than lurching straight into another one that has the same pattern. Second it is hard for anyone to have a new baby, especially when you are wishing for the more supportive structure that could have been and unable to go on dates or dedicate yourself to meeting someone new because of the demands of keeping it all together alone. Remember to take time to congratulate yourself on what a great job you are doing of being a mother and don't delude yourself that it would have been easier with him around. Third, if I'm honest I think we're all a bit obsessed with "moving on" these days, perhaps it's realistic to expect it to take a bit longer than modern culture would have you believe? Better to take your time and heal properly than rush headlong into something when you're not ready to, and don't feel like you must be "failing" just because you are not all bright and shiny all the time.

I think your feelings are totally normal. I am three years on from separating from exh and in a way it is more difficult now than ever.

In the first six months I was in shock/survival mode. Then everything was a novelty after that for a while. I thought I was absolutely fine. But the reality of bringing up your children on your own kicks in. Then there's the sadness at what you've lost and should have had. I still go over and over in my mind what went wrong, and analyse it.

I think I would be very hurt if I were you and my ex went back to a previous relationship.

Don't beat yourself up. Find support from your family and friends and slowly but surely you will build up a new life for yourself. It will take time.

I am also amazed at the number of posters on here who left a relationship and within months they say how happy they are, wish they'd done it sooner, etc.
Do they have these moments too? I don't know.

I know. It seems to hurt more the more time that passes. He pretty much ignores me at baby drop off / never talks on phone and txts only to book times to see baby. Months after we split hed txt messages at 2am/3am saying I was amazing /he's sorry etc but they don't happen know. He's taken new/ old partner to functions with mutual friends which killed me. I know he was awful to me yet I want to be with him.

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