Have NC'd due to exH knowing my original user name and previous form for tracking me down on here etc....
Life feels so messy, and bloody lonely. I am one year post divorce from narcissistic exH. Could never quite escape his thrall though, and despite numerous no contact attempts, fell back into a "kind of seeing each other" things on a few occasions. The most recent was now a long time ago - latter part of last year. Anyway, upshot is that I fell pregnant, (contraceptive failure), and could not terminate.
He gave me the options of either terminating and having a "proper" relationship with him again, or keeping the baby and him having nothing to do with it - not being on birth certificate or acknowledging the child as his own.
He nearly talked me into the first option, then I crumbled. I couldn't do that. So, since just before Christmas I have been almost totally NC with him, and am now 25 weeks pregnant. Complications are that we have a child already - he is nearly 2. So I see him regularly for pick ups/drop offs (although where possible I have a friend around so I don't need to face him). More complicated is the fact that I see his DM weekly, as she has DS one day whilst I am working. She and his sister now know about the baby, but I can barely speak to them about it. They want to be involved with the baby, but I don't know how that can work if exH is outright refusing to be involved.
FWIW, I am pleased for myself he is being this way - it is a useful reminder of what an utter twunt he always was and always will be, and the less I have to do with him the better. However, my heart is already so sad for this baby. ExH will continue to see our first born son, and have nothing to do with the second child.
That's the messy bit. The lonely bit is simply that. Lonely. I work really long hours, don't have a social circle. My life is just me and my children (2 older children from first marriage). I only told people about the baby a few weeks ago for various reasons (not wanting to put additional stress on DS1 during exams, family sensitivities re my DM and DSis).
Oh, and DSis doesn't seem to be speaking to me anymore. She said I would have to expect people to judge me. I suppose she is right, but it's made me really really sad. I am a single mother to three, soon to be four. I can financially manage another child, and timewise too - as above, I have no social life or circle, my children are my life. So I guess I could be judged on (a) having a very stupid on-off relationship with exH, (b) choosing NOT to terminate following contraceptive failure, (c) having sex at all despite being on contraception (as no contraception is 100% and don't I bloody know that now)
What an essay. I hope someone replies after all that! I just feel so scared actually. I'm in my mid-30s and things weren't expected to be like this. I'm lonely, I am scared, and I am so worried about all sorts of things - many of which are potentially years away from crystallising so I need to shelve. But it doesn't take the worry away.