only happy when in a relationship... what can I do?

[matroyshka]

This is something I’ve struggled with for a long time – I only seem to be able to be happy in a relationship. There is really nothing else that makes me happy. I had a long and awful relationship several years ago so although I appreciate that no relationship is better than a bad one, my life feels totally empty when I’m alone. Since then I’ve had a string of unsuccessful relationships, the most recent one ending last week and I’m just totally heartbroken and can’t think of anything that would make me happy now.

I’m having counselling for very low self-esteem and my counsellor has suggested a break from dating to try and sort out my issues with myself/depression/needing validation from relationships and work on being happy with myself. My closest friend is giving me the same advice, to try new things and find joy elsewhere – but really there is nothing I want to do. This sounds so pathetic but I just don’t know how to be happy – nothing works. I have interests but they just pass the time for me, I’m not genuinely happy doing them. Probably if I went to a doctor they would say I’m depressed but absolutely don’t want to take anti-depressants, as my experience with them in the past was total emotional blunting and am pretty sure they contributed to my acceptance of being in a very unhappy relationship for a lot longer than I should have been.

Does anyone else feel like this? Is it normal? My friends are amazing but I feel guilty leaning on them so much – and they don’t know what else to say to me, except find something you enjoy doing…

Why do you think you are happier in a relationship?
What are you getting from it?

I used to have an absolute terror of being alone, and like you it meant I stayed in an unhealthy relationship for far too long. I had (undiagnosed) BPD, and fear of being alone is a big indicator for that. Doy uo think this may b a possibility for you?

Lweji - the feeling of being wanted, someone caring about me, the attention, being special to someone.

Pocket - I've wondered about this before but I don't recognise myself as having the manic phases so I think it's just depression. Is it something you've managed to resolve since your BPD was diagnosed? Glad you escaped your unhealthy situation too.

Yes I am much better now thank you :) I did a lot of work on myself to change my ways of thinking and the behaviour patterns that resulted from that. It is incredibly hard work because (in my case at least) you are going against established patterns of thought, of being, that were developed as a survival mechanism to protect you as a child - the key is to recognise that you are now an adult and to be on your own is not a life-threatening abandonment.

I lived on my own for three years after splitting with my H and I've been single since my last relationship ended two years ago. I am perfectly happy with my own company (and with my cat!) and at this point I would be reluctant to live with anyone again.

Would you consider some solution-focussed counselling to try to get you to a place where you're more self-reliant?

That's good to hear, pocket

I've lived on my own for 3+ years too, sometimes it's nice but mostly just lonely. I think my counsellor does solution-focussed therapy so will ask her. Is that the kind of therapy you had? We are doing some CBT and also talking generally about how I feel, not sure if that's general counselling? I'm not very clued up about the different kinds.

I think my problem is that I have zero self-esteem and dislike myself so much that I need validation from someone that I'm worth loving...

I need validation from someone that I'm worth loving

I was going to say this. Glad you recognise it.

Can you focus on learning how to enjoy your own company and friends before you open yourself to a romantic relationship?
Are your friendships healthy?

thanks Lweji, I recognise it but just don't know how to fix it. My closest friends are great and I think my friendships with them are healthy. I enjoy seeing them but go downhill again as soon as I'm on my own. I really don't know how to start enjoying my own company, being alone just makes me feel miserable, but at the same time am too miserable and low to motivate myself to go to meetups and clubs and things...

Bpd as in bipolar or as in borderline personality disorder?

Borderline tends not to have manic phases but does include an element of fear of being alone.

Op, it's great that you recognise this, it shows good self awareness. Maybe think about what kind of company you need - if it's just someone around you, then a club environment can help. If it's attention specifically, I know it sounds daft but have you thought about a pet? Having a dog will get you out for walkers twice a day and give you something that will adore you no matter what. It sounds trivial but if you could be a good owner, why not?

I think your therapist is right though - a break from dating is a good thing. You have to learn to be happy by yourself before you can truly be happy with others (just my opinion of course!)

Oh, I assumed bipolar? Maybe not.

I think you're right, Skiptonlass, thanks, I do need to be happy by/with myself first but it's so hard, I don't want to be alone! Would love a pet but live in a leasehold and wouldn't be allowed... trying all the time to get out and go to clubs etc but just can't find the strength as I'm so low

Hi OP, for what its worth this is incredibly common. Basically women have been conditioned for millennia to think they are only a success if they are in a relationship and that they are worthless if not, so you shouldn't be too hard on yourself.

I know a lot of people like this and although I'm very independent I have some of this myself.

But you do have to work on it. By only feeling validation in a relationship you are making yourself a sitting target for people who prey on this.

Counselling is very important and you should also talk to people about your feelings as you are going through it. Don't expect it to be easy and don't expect it to go away overnight.

And by the way none of this means you have to stay single forever, or even for any great length of time. Remember that a person who is comfortable in their own skin, likes themself as they are and accepts that they are valuable on their own terms is in a far better position to have a relationship than someone who is permanently clinging to the next person who shows any attention....

the feeling of being wanted, someone caring about me, the attention, being special to someone.

Could you get some of that elsewhere? Maybe through a hobby where you are part of a team and/or lead a team: am dram, a team sport, a choir, charity work, fund-raising, mentoring, scouts/guides leader, teaching a skill?

I think you are being too hard on yourself. We are social animals, we all need people. We get a sense of comfort from close relationships.

It is good advice to find stability and self worth on your own before looking for someone to enjoy life with... But only up to a point I think. If you are ok-ish but lonely, I really don't see the harm in dating. You clearly know when to get out of a bad relationship, you have done it before and are not likely to risk being with a bad un just so you are not alone. Obviously you are the best judge, and if a relationship might turn you into a clinging mess, it's not worth the hassle! Maybe discuss it further with your counsellor, but she isn't the boss of you!

Thanks for your kind replies. I do see that it's better to have a break even though I don't want to, I feel I'm not good enough and why would anyone want me and recognise that's not a healthy footing for a relationship.

Fair enough. If you don't know what to do to make yourself happy, how about doing something to make someone else happy and go from there? Flowers for a good friend? Volunteer somewhere if you have time? Sponsor someone doing something for charity?
Or choose a challenge for yourself, something achievable. Give you a focus.
Sure you are good enough, show yourself you are.