Overcoming past abusive relationship

[Inneedofclarity]

I'm looking for some advice really, I'm not sure if I need counselling, self help etc I'm just trying to find ways of moving past this and find out what's maybe worked for others.

To all intents it probably seems to everyone that I have moved on successfully from this relationship but recently Iv been getting tired of the constant battle I seem to have with this period of my life. I'm beginning to feel that it's taking over and making me a person I don't recognise.

I was in this relationship from a young age until mid twenties. Have dc from the relationship. I now believe my ex is a sociopath. I was emotionally and physically abused. I was coerced into having sex when I didn't want to. Financially I had no control of our spending. Classic abusive relationship.

So I eventually left with support and got on my feet, built a career and have met a lovely guy, who works hard for us and supports me as best he can even though he is frequently on the receiving end of what I know is completely unreasonable behaviour at times.

I am hyper aware of any perceived slight towards me from anyone. I have even thought that my ds who is 8 has manipulated me because of the way he phrased something he said. He sounded exactly like my ex. I am so cynical about everything. I also can't believe I put up with what I did and will spend time reliving events and questioning myself about why I stayed there.

Wow that was long. I'm tired of the continued impact of this. I just want to leave it behind. He doesn't deserve anymore of my thoughts. I just don't know how to do it. I'm 7 years out and it feels like it's getting worse.

I found counselling helpful. Sounds like it might be an idea to look into the Freedom Programme. It has helped a lot of women on this board, and can be done online if it's not practical to attend in person.

It sounds like the abuse you suffered has put you into hyper-alert mode, where you are on a constant knife edge expecting people to do you wrong at every turn (and perhaps you self-sabotage by thinking "he's going to hurt me so I'll hurt him first"?)

I strongly suggest you get some therapy with someone who has experience working with abuse survivors. Don't wait on the NHS which will be CBT that's unlikely to unravel this problem. Seek out someone locally, yes it will cost money, but it's medical treatment that you need and your family deserve you to have. And that you deserve to have, to have the happy and peaceful life you should have.

Have a look at the symptoms of Borderline personality disorder and see if you check any of these - it's not uncommon to develop bpd after abuse, good news is that it's treatable as long as you acknowledge the need for change and are willing to work at it.

I have completed the freedom programme, was helpful no doubt about it. Think I will look into counselling privately then. Peaceful is a good way to describe what I'm hoping for. It gets incredible tiring having this going on all the time.

Looked at bpd symptoms and while there are some parts I could say yes to the Majority are a no. I'm absolutely ready and willing to work at anything though. This is not healthy at all. I feel so burned up by bitterness and hostility it's unreal. Which is miles away from how my friends and family would describe me. It's a battle internally most of the time if that makes sense? Although there's no doubt it has a major impact on my closest relationships. Just wish I could be free of it all. I have no idea why these images are all coming back to me now either. I find that quite unnerving.

Thank you.

The FP is good, but it's not a magic bullet. Do it again. And again. You have that option.

The fact is that you can't just 'get over'. The only way to recover is through therapy. You can bury the hurt that man inflicted (but there's more grooming that came before he did) but it will always come out eventually.

Now it's time for you to take back your life, you're ready (which is why, to you, it's getting worse) keep posting, you're very far from being alone, and you will be ok.

(((Hug)))

Hi OP, I'm in a similar situation to you, 8 weeks out of a horribly abusive relationship - physical, emotional, financial, verbal, sexual. You name it. We were married for 18 years. The ending of the marriage was long and drawn out, controlled largely by H, of course. That did give me time to recognise his abusiveness and have some therapy which helped enormously and to educate myself via Feedom prog, books, internet and MN.

You did well to get out. It sounds like therapy would be good now, maybe these images are coming back because you are now able to start work on processing what's happened to you.

I know I'm damaged in all kinds of ways and I'm trying to heal as best I can. For example, my H was obsessed with my weight, commented on it daily. No hug was complete without him feeling around my midriff for body fat thickness. The only acceptable weight to him was underweight. Can't think why I don't have an eating disorder. So I'm working on having an ordinary relationship with food.

I've wondered about starting a "Healing from Abusive Relationships" thread so all us survivors can share experiences, what has helped, what hasn't. Also no-one would hijack your thread .

Anyone think that would be a good idea?

I would love a thread like that. Also have numerous food issues from being called fat all the time. Its so hard to try and recover feels like pain never ends. Am still being controlled through kids and sometimes its too much

Another here with food issues from being called "fat" all the time. It's quite a nasty way to control someone, and it really seems hard to get past.

iv been debating starting a thread like this this.

my abusive marrage ended 6 years ago, had a fwb for a few years but I have just recently started a normal relationship and have noticed im on high alert, double guessing hes reasons or actions, and to my shame last week even purposely tried to wind him up a bit to see how he would react. its like I need to see him at his worst to get over the 'wraiting for him to turn bit'

hes kind to waiters, admits if he got something wrong speaks loving about his family and only has one ex who he doesnt like for reasons the others hell speak nicely about. through all this my mind is still goimg hes tricking you.. hes acting like this because thats what normal man do.

i really thoughtbi was over and had delt with it but obviously I habnt and its taken a normal relationship for ne to find out and its emotionally tiring and draining, I cant help or advise but id like to hand hold and maybe we can help each other?

The emotional abuse thread has been running for a while, you'll get a great deal of support there.

Although, being OUT of an abusive relationship makes it hard sometimes to see others still stuck in that fog of abuse. A thread that just deals with the day to day journey back to healthy and happy lives would be a good idea! Invaluable in supporting you through that awful "wtf was I thinking" stage, progressing through the FP and therapy etc.

It would be a threAd that would run and run. Go ahead, set it up and see!

I think a thread is a brilliant idea! My story is similar to everyone here. Belittled for my weight, repeatedly insinuated and told I was stupid, I was mentally unwell, my family were a mess. Anything that could be used as ammunition was...After putting up with that for years it's no wonder we are on constant alert and seek out the worst in people.

I also have pushed my new partner to the limit. I have said repeatedly I don't know how he puts up with me..my need to have control of everything( which clearly stems from years of being controlled).

I would really appreciate hand holding with others through this. We have been so strong to get out but we need the support of others to deal what's left over. A lady I worked with told me this when I left and it's very true. ' Take time to heal and look after yourself. A situation like this is the same as carrying heavy bags of shopping home..you don't realise how much you are hurting until you drop the bags'.

Think it really is time to address all of this and start to heal.

ineed- that's a very powerfull saying I think, and how very true.

at times it feels like im being controlled with out being controlled if that makes sense? my partner hasnt said or done anything wrong or even the smallest bit off.. but sometimes I get the urge to just run dump and run. I wonder if its because I am falling for him hard and it is just my feelings for him that make me feel controlled? I don't know, probably sound bat shit crazy dont I.

I can also relate to this. Im two yrs out and it goes round and round in my head all the time. I have a lovely bf but lately I have reacted so badly to a few conversations we've had. Hedoes not kknow, I had the reactions later when by myself. It makes me want to roll into a ball and avoid everyone. Except ofcourse that is impossible with the kids.
I started therapy finally. It seems it may help, it is early days.