DDs best friend at school

[IrianofWay]

As soon as DD started secondary school she made a group of really good friends, one in particular has remained very close. This girl suffers from extreme anxiety, eczema and athsma - over the last few years she has got a lot better but in the run up to GCSEs this year all her issues have resurfaced with a vengeance. DD is very worried about her - she is ferociously loyal. Today friend had a major meltdown in school and was sent home. Her HOY spoke to DH (he works in the associated special school) and told him she is really worried about DD - she is being 100% supportive to this friend but it's taking it's toll.

I don't want to stop her helping her friend and I am proud that she is so caring, but there has to be a limit. She cares so much about her exams and will be devastated if she doesn't achieve what she is capable of. I have seen her stress levels rise, she isn't sleeping, huge shadows under her eyes, and she is so anxious about her exams.

How do I help her to step back a tiny bit and stop her taking on her friends burdens to the extent she does?

Difficult but if possible I would say you need to take some control here. Talk to dd very seriously and explain she is taking too much on,indeed too much for anyone since presumably there are other people trying to help her friend without success.

Can you negotiate times when she can be there for her friend and other times she has for other stuff. Remove her phone at 9pm and keep it until the morning etc. and get school to arrange some counselling to help with any guilt that she cannot fix her friend.

Sad situation and your dd sounds lovely but if school have noticed a problem you do need to take charge.

What Matildathecat says. Parenting isn't just about taking charge of the 'bad bits'; if you have raised lovely dcs it means protecting them from trying to be 'too good' too. My parents were excellent at the former but not so great at the latter - 30 years later I still feel inside (even when I know in reality that it's not true) that if something goes wrong, it must have been my fault for not trying/working hard enough. Be 'mummy' to your dd for a bit - early nights, run her a bath sometimes, that sort of thing. If she's really upset, screen phonecalls etc. Keep letting her know how lovely she is, how precious she is and that you are looking after her over the next couple of months. Hopefully this will show her that it's unrealistic for one person to solve everything.

"30 years later I still feel inside (even when I know in reality that it's not true) that if something goes wrong, it must have been my fault for not trying/working hard enough."

Ouch! That's me too. And DD tries so hard to be everything to everyone. I am going to have to watch it with her. I had a chat but her reaction was 'why is everyone making such a fuss about it?'. I think a watching brief is required....

Thanks matilda - I am going to ring school and speak to her tutor.