I can never truly be happy again, and I am a mess

[lithiumfear]

I posted last week about not having friends, and being lonely. I had some wonderful replies, but I think I now know the problem, as something has happened, which has brought everything into clear focus.

I never really struggled at the school gate when DS (who's now 23) was young - yes I was shy, but I still managed, and never felt lonely - a misfit.

Despite the lovely replies last week, I really, really can't manage with the school gate. Even if I could hold my own, I am tired, so very, very tired, of putting a brave face on.

I have a huge problem with mums of multiples... especially when they have a girl DD's age, and one who is the age DD2 would have been.

I feel even more bitterness towards women with mulitple children (think 5+) and are still in their 20s, and conceived with no problem. Actually bitterness is too strong... I don't feel anything really, I don't allow myself to feel anything, because it hurts.

So I'm stuck, I have to associate with these women, and I feel nothing towards them, and whilst I smile at their little ones, I feel nothing - dead inside - as I can't allow myself to feel anything.

This has been made worse this last week, and now, now I just don't know if I can carry on, or indeed if I want to carry on (and try as I do, I can't stop the tsunami of tears from falling as I write this.

Soon after DD2's death, I was advised to wait 6 months to try again (it was a very complicated caesarean, huge blood loss, and a ruptured womb). Usually they advise 18 months, but my age at the time (a couple of months off of 42), meant I had to try sooner.

I didn't. Things were pretty messy at home, as DH & I struggled, really struggled. Then I found it easier to sleep on the floor. Not on a mattress, but on the cold, hard floor. I have been there the last 3.5years. Sex has been rare and infrequent - and I had an early miscarriage in October 2012.

I have talked to my CPN, and my Dr about this. I can't articulate why I sleep on the floor - worry about DD1, being 'tired', fear - of what? I've no idea, but the fear is real nonetheless.

I've had several blood tests for FSH levels for different reasons - mood swings, night sweats etc. They've always come back low, so I allowed myself the luxury of believing that I could take my time to return to the marital bed... the last blood test was a year ago.

This week my period arrived on time (always regular), was very heavy for two days as usual, then stopped. It has never only lasted two days before.

I bought a urine FSH test from Wilkos, and it was positive for the perimenopause - meaning that my FSH levels are high... so that's it game over. My mum was 54 when she went through the menopause, so I should have 9 years left

I know this all sounds mad, but I feel robbed, and I feel angry at myself. I'm angry at DH as he never really wanted to try again. I want both my girls.

Lithium, I am so sorry you are feeling like this is there anyone you can speak to in RL? I am pretty useless with advice but hope someone comes along with some helpful advice soon.

I didn't see your previous post but so sorry for your loss x

I'm so sorry for your loss.
From your post it sounds like you are in such a lot of pain. I worry that you are sleeping on the floor. I suspect it's because you are trying to find yourself a safe haven, sanctuary type place that is just for you. Sleeping with another person (your husband) sometimes doesn't give us this feeling. Is there a room in your house that you can use to make a sanctuary for yourself? Paint it your favourite color and set up a nice comfortable bed for yourself. In Japan people sleep on the floor, on foutons and there are lots of reasons why this is a preferable way to sleep for some people.

Unfortunately our house is very, very small. The other issue with sleeping on the floor is I sleep on DD's floor, as our room is too small to do it there, which is unhealthy for DD1 I know. Sometimes it feels like a punishment, when I wake up hardly able to get up, as my back hurts. I think it is a sanctuary though, that is definitely correct.

Is it a form self punishment, do you think? The sleeping on the floor thing?

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Oh, sorry, I missed your last post.

You know it wasn't your fault, right?

I guess, I didn't get to the hospital quick enough maybe. I hoped everything would be OK.

You're carrying guilt and punishing yourself by sleeping on the floor.

You poor, poor thing.. None of this is your fault. None of it. You need to get some professional help to work through this. Please, please get some help to deal with the pain you're carrying. You need proper therapy (I'm afraid CBT isn't going to cut it here.)

Try one tiny step. Today, do one nice thing for yourself. It doesn't have to be big or expensive. Cheap flowers from the supermarket, new book, nice bath, whatever suits you. none of this is your fault - getting to hospital a bit earlier would probably have made no difference whatsoever. You're carrying around a huge burden of pain and you need to work through it for yourself, your child and your husband. It's not your fault and you do NOT deserve punishment.

I wish you all the best (your post made me cry. If you were here I'd make damn sure I did something lovely for you and look after you....)

Lithium, I don't know if this can help you at all but I will try. One of my eldest friends went through the same as you except she had to have a hysterectomy as we'll she almost died, lost her son and her uterus all in one go. Prior to that she had had some other very tough things to deal with.

I was there through all this and I can tell you it has taken a very, very long time but she has got through it. She is back to being happy. She was, as are you, very seriously depressed and traumatised and took a long time to heal. She had similar feelings about seeing children of around the same age as her lost child. Her relationship suffered, her DH had to cope with a lot of anger and misery as well as cope with his own loss and trauma.

But they are better. They are strong. Reach out and ask for more help in RL. Call your crisis team if you have one and ask for urgent help. And allow yourself to rest peacefully...that means allowing yourself to get into bed. Stop punishing yourself. This will pass. You will be different,sadder and more compassionate but you can be ok again.

Should say oldest friends, not eldest...

Thank you Skipton

Matilda, I am so sorry for your friend. I'm about to be discharged from CMHT (I have bipolar), which in a way is good, as there is a Healthy Minds organisation, that is really good for psychological help and counselling. You cannot be referred to them if you are under CMHT. Trouble with CMHT (in my area anyway), is they are so under-resourced, and the care co-ordinators have been reduced drastically, and those remaining have so many care users to see.

The other problem is CMHT only deal with psychiatric problems, which is great for my bipolar, but there isn't any counselling (this is now provided by Healthy Minds), so they have no way of dealing with my loss and the associated trauma, they only check you are taking medication, and review if necessary.

I've a history of not complying with medication, so all 'problems' have been ignored, as part and parcel of being bipolar.

Right now I am compliant, and have been stable for a while. I expected to feel 'normal' right now, so the fact that I am upset is disconcerting. It was almost easier to be unstable and have highs, as well as lows, but then I was never facing up to things; just using my mental health as a distraction.

I've spoken to my GP and she has agreed to add a hormone test onto my blood test tomorrow (lithium level check). So at least I will have some definitive diagnosis, and at least plans can be made. It may be a relief - I won't be left wondering anymore.

Thanks for your replies. Matilda your post has given me hope

Ahhh... You're actually on lithium?

Well you know that on its own can elevate your TSH right? I would request a more thorough thyroid check from your docs and I wouldn't put too much stock in that Wilkos pee stick. :)

Bipolar is really difficult to live with (I have a family member with it) so it's incredibly positive that you have stabilised and are able to see that highs and lows prevent you from dealing with events. No one would expect you to feel happy after what you've been through - they mean stable as in your symptoms are stabilised.

Please try to get back in your own bed tonight. See it as a single small step on a road that will make you get through this and come out capable of the happiness you deserve.

I was just about to add the same thing that SKiptonlass has just pointed out-- about whether this pee stick thing was accurate and Skiptonlass is saying that lithium raises these TSH levels. Perhaps what has added to your shock is that you instinctively felt you had more time to make a baby... so perhaps you do.

Hi op

First off I'm so sorry for your loss, there's two parts to my answer.

Firstly I lost my little girl almost 20 yrs ago, I couldnt tell you exactly how long ago because my brain won't let me work it out, it does this to protect me. She would have been 21 this year, and it doesn't get any easier.

Around anniversaries like her birthday, the day I lost her which was Xmas and her funeral date, stuff starts going bonkers for me.
I drop stuff get clumsy, tearful I'm terrible for forgetting words names loads of stuff. I get stressed stroppy and generally in a flap.
All of these things can also be put down to the menopause because I'm also 18 months off my 50th birthday .

My periods up until 6 months ago were like a scene out of CSI, now they are a nice gentle light dribble which is fab. I said up post that it doesn't get any easier and it's partly true. It isn't easier around the anniversary times, but the rest of the year I'm a normal eh hmm functioning human being.

The other part is because of the way I was treated when I lost her and subsequent treatment for a second child I lost, I swore that no one else if I could help it would go through what I did. So now some 20 odd years on I qualified as a psychotherapist.
I can only write about what I have read, and what stands out is your pain, I believe your going through something called complicated grief, you havnt fully grieved lovely, your stuck.

You have so much self blame and almost hatred for yourself it's like a self flagellation, you sleep on a cold kitchen floor like a peasant servant, or a cowering hound. I would venture to say that if you allow yourself to start to move forward and heal, you fear you will forget her, or have let her down? This is part of the self hate/blame cycle, somehow your grief has to be kick started and properly worked through, it's going to hurt and be tough, but bloody hell op it can't be worse than the self imposed hell you are in now surely?

I remember catching myself laughing at something on the telly and feeling guilty for it, I'm a grieving mum I shouldn't be finding joy in anything, cancelling Xmas was another deliberately having steak as Turkey would be celebrating. You have so many losses to deal with, your child, possibly your fertility, getting older and dealing with bi polar. Everything together seems insurmountable, but if you broke it down and dealt with these things one at a time, then it's like a domino effect, each piece will effect the next for the better.

Maybe talk to cruse, or a decent counsellor who is integrative, CBT Isn't what you need right now although some decent relaxation techniques or guided imagery I think you might find useful.
If you want a chat feel free to pm me, take care of you

OP I don't have any wise words for you (I think guiltypleasures said everything I would have) but I just want you to know that I heard you, and I'm sorry for your loss.