am i the one in the wrong here??? any advice please..?? :-(

[Purplegirl123]

Hi Everyone,
Wondered if anyone could give me some advice...im quite new here, so hello :-)
my partner is 40, im 30 - we've been together 2 and a half years. (Im not great at explaining things so please bear with me) Yesterday we had a huge argument - I keep most of my stuff in the spare room (i moved in not long after we got together) and was having a clear out yesterday.. he also keeps a lot of his stuff in there, anyway i was moving some of his books over to another shelf and i'd say 80% of them are erm... the best way i can describe is 50 shades for guys..? just really highly explicit sexual storylines (maybe if i put up a link to some; www.amazon.co.uk/Exhibitionism-Toby-Litt/dp/0141006536 , www.amazon.co.uk/Sin-Cities-Adventures-Sex-Reporter/dp/0955632609 ) loads with really chauvanistic storylines - one in particular made me feel sick, about a guy who regularly leaves his wife and newborn child alone to engage in sex with young girs/orgies ect.. one of the lines in the description went something like 'leaving his poor wife alone to try and look after the kids while he visits a flat where things happen that men can only dream of'. Now, this is where i flipped because, i've been considering coming off the pill lately to consider trying for a baby. But if these are the types of fantasies he has then... i dunno. i felt terrified of the future and ended up going crazy at him. He said that he 'doesn't necessarily want to act on any of it'. He told me that I 'wasn't right in the head' which actually really upset me. When I asked him what he thinks i should do about my not being right in the head, he replied 'I don't know' -( helpful eh??)
I realise I probably am overreacting. Maybe there is something wrong with me... Its really hard to get any counselling and there are usually long waiting lists - although this is something i'm considering looking in to if we stay together.
The thing that gets me is, Im quite experimental and have in the past suggested we try a threesome - given what he likes to read you'd think he'd like this idea but he point blank refuses to do anything experimental with me. Ive tried dressing up for him, ect in the past which I stop doing now because he rejected me every time (I'm too tired, or even worse, not acknowledging me at all) At the start of our relationship we had sex maybe 5 times a week, and it gradually dropped to once a week - which is me initiating. He seems to refuse to do the things he knows i like a lot (oral - sorry if its TMI!) however he's happy for me to give him oral...
I asked him yesterday if he thinks im ugly and he didnt reply.
ugh, i feel hopeless writing this. I keep telling myself, at least he's not cheating, or has a porn addiction (which one of my exe's had) and i know there are lots of women out there trying to deal with things that are way worse than this. On the subject of porn though, he said he only watches it when he's single, but he watched it the night before i moved in (saw it in history) which in my mind means he wasn't single?? I keep telling myself maybe he thought it was his last real opportunity to spend some time watching it - but it makes me feel like shit about myself.
Im really sorry to have bothered you all with this.
any opinions/advice would be great. even if its just to tell me im 'not right in the head' which i'd agree on.
thanks.

How long was it between meeting him and moving in with him?.

I think you have gone from one previously awful relationship into yet another unhealthy one. Is this really what you envisaged for yourself, what did you learn about relationships when growing up?.

Do not bring a child into this whatever you decide to do. This relationship is really at an end; its in its death throes.

And to tell yourself as well, "well at least he is not cheating or has a porn addiction" (well how do you explain his reading material then) is self delusion as selling your own self short to be with a man who is inadequate as well as being Mr Wrong. It does not make his current behaviours right.

You have swapped one abusive type for yet another one; they may be different people but there is abuse at their very heart. Calling you "not right in the head" in such a context could also be him being emotionally abusive towards you.

What do you get out of this relationship; what is in this for you?. I think he just wants some woman to look after him.

Hi, thanks for the reply. It wasn't long after we met that I moved in actually! - about a month. We lived far apart (met online) and decided to give it a try rather than travelling long distances every weekend.
I don't really have a problem with porn as such, as long as the rest of the relationship is ok (I.e if each of you still give each other love and attention) but I suppose I still have issues from my previous relationship (he was addicted to porn and I was forced into sex on a regular basis) I should have really got help at the time for this (this was 7 years ago)
Can some guys get off on reading porn as opposed to watching it? It's a new one on me....
The only reason it bothers me is that we don't have anywhere near as much sex as before. - should also add that on the last holiday we went on, he took a book about a guy addicted to porn/prostitutes/sex clubs while in a relationship.... I don't know why he can't read something normal!!? We didn't have sex once on that holiday! :-/

He probably is watching it. And I'm sorry to say this, but if he's not having sex with you, consider the possibility that he may be seeing someone else to get what he wants.

Looks like you've had a lucky wake up call - I'd run for the hills if I were you.

He can't be seeing someone else as we spend every day together.. Although he does come home late from work some days.....?? I trust him but it doesn't seem like he loves me enough to not mess my head up.. I feel like I can't go and visit friends for a few days cos I know he'll be watching/reading porn and chances are there will be no sex for me when I get back cos he won't feel the need!
I've suggested loads of times that we watch porn together, (to see what kinds of things turn him on mostly..) but he refuses, and says if I want to watch porn I should do it by myself! I've nothing against people that watch porn alone but for me personally it feels lonely and devoid of all feeling/meaning

Why are you with this loser?
Nothing you've said about him sounds in any way attractive or positive.

And you moved some distance to be with him after a month? Bloody hell.

Get rid, and get your own life back.

Even the fact that your stuff is mostly in the spare room after 2 years makes me You don't sound like you have a good relationship there at all.

FGS don't try for a baby. Never ever ever try for a baby with someone you think you need counselling with. Even if you think counselling will work. Just DON'T bring a baby into that until it's a solid relationship.

Purplegirl,

What would your own counsel be if someone else was writing this?.

re your comment:-
"Hi, thanks for the reply. It wasn't long after we met that I moved in actually! - about a month. We lived far apart (met online) and decided to give it a try rather than travelling long distances every weekend".

A month!. What on earth were you both thinking; you barely knew him then - and still do not know him really now. This is a terrible mess.

He has both opportunity and time to form other liaisons.

Your boundaries are basically skewed and need resetting badly, that goes without saying. And yes you still have issues from your previous relationship as well, that has partly set you up to arrive at where you are now. That and some other issues you have going on.

Leave this person and start to love your own self for a change instead of relying on someone else to do that for you.

Do not bring a baby into this either. That will only further widen the already gaping hole you have partly put yourself into. Dig yourself out of the hole you find yourself in.

To answer your thread question: yes you are in the wrong to try to police his sexuality. It's none of your business what he thinks about when he masturbates. It's only your business how he treats you in reality.

However the rest of your description of him makes him sound like a total fucking loser, so bin him off. To be honest, it sounds like he checked out of this relationship emotionally and sexually quite some time ago (probably within the first few months of you moving in) but is too cowardly/lazy to end it.

You deserve better than this. A lot better!

Not really got any advice but just wanted to point out that the book you linked to is based on a TV series from at least a decade ago. If it's anything like the TV series it's very tongue in cheek and cringe, not at all erotic or to be seen as porn, if it was, I doubt it wouldn't have been on TV at prime time.

In regards to other materials on here, maybe he genuinely finds the subject matter interesting, just like many women loved 50 shades (I am not one of them!) So yes, I think you're overreacting and maybe he told you what he thought you wanted to hear re watching porn because he didn't know how you would react, you know, because you didn't really know one another when you moved in.

Would not wouldn't

Hi,
Thanks for the replies.. I think my main worry is that he can't get 'in the mood' for sex as much now because he can't access porn as much as he did before, simply because I'm around him most of the time and it would be awkward. The same goes for the reading if it, although he has read it while sitting next to me on a plane. I've tried expressing the fact that I think it's fine just as long as he has sex with me too, as well as sorting himself out! You're totally right I wouldn't want to be the one to police someone's sexuality but I'm confused why he would ask his gf to move in with him fully aware that he probably wouldn't be able to watch as much porn as he did when he lived alone. If we just saw each other at weekends he could use the porn during the week......
I feel like an idiot writing all this.. He tells me we shouldn't watch porn together because I'm too jealous!! I feel like it's beaten me!! I'm a real person and yet images on a screen have most likely fucked up my sex life... I dunno what to do..

Purple, porn is a side issue in this unhealthy dynamic, and the fact that you're focusing on it to the exclusion of the other, much more worrying, things you say suggests that as a previous poster said, your boundaries are skewed, and you have internalised a horribly abnormal relationship model because of your past experiences.

It makes sense that, having had such an abusive past relationship, you didn't see the problem with moving in with a virtual stranger after a month, and still keep your belongings in the spare room after two and a half years, and are considering a baby with a man who doesn't love you.

Forget the porn. Move out. Be single for a while. Recover from your unhealthy relationships, and work on your self-esteem. Do not even consider bringing a child into this mess. That may be in your future, but after you have learned what a good relationship looks like.

Wow - so many red flags here it's frightening.
Please contact Womens Aid.
As a PP said, your boundaries are way off after previous and now this relationship.
Enrol on the Freedom Programme.
Don't stay with this loser.
Go find yourself and do NOT move in with someone you met on-line within a month.

I'm actually quite saddened and disappointed in myself to realise that I don't think I really am over the things that happened in my previous relationship (despite this being over 7 years ago!) I think I just pushed it all aside and tried to forget it. I was raped several times, beat up. For me porn was this powerful entity that someone fragile like me couldn't fight. It still is.
I was living with my dad and stepmum before moving in with my current partner, and they fully endorsed me leaving to be with him after 1 month. But, they just wanted me out the house I think..
I probably come across as if I do have problems and I probably do, but I literally have no one to talk to, not much family(that are actually bothered) not many friends. Maybe I should see my gp? I've tried citalopram in the past and it didn't suit me at all.. Attempting to make new friends might be a good idea.. It's easier said than done though.

Counselling, Purple - go and see your GP and get a referral. I've seldom encountered someone on MN with so genuine a need for it. You need to talk through your attitudes towards porn, which you seem to view, mistakenly, as the problem, when it is in fact the two appalling partners you have had who are/were the ones abusing you. It is appalling that parent-figures were fine with you moving a long distance to live with a complete stranger, but that again makes total sense of how confused you are about that is 'healthy' or even safe in relationships.

There's no 'probably' about it - you do have problems. Your sense of what a good, mutually-beneficial, loving relationship should be like, is totally deformed by your relationships. Act now to work in them. Best wishes.

Yes, it is easier said than done to make new friends. I am not long out of an unhealthy marriage and I have few friends. Sometimes I feel lonely. But heck it is a whole lot better being on my own than being with someone who isnt good for me.

You can always come and talk on here. The advice and support is amazing.

Is there any way you can get somewhere to live on your own?

meetup.com is great site for group meet ups.
Like I said, call Womens Aid.
And definitely see your GP.
You will need counselling.
No matter how long ago things happened to you, they happened and you need to deal with it. It won't just go away, no matter how long you leave it for.
I hope you can get some help and start to come to terms with things.
I'm sorry you've been through so much.

There's so much wrong here, OP!

He's reading porn on a plane - that in itself would set off alarm bells for me.

He reads porn on the plane but doesn't have sex on the holiday - what's all that about then?

Your stuff's in the spare room after 2.5 years - why is that? Do you still view it as his home?

You moved in after a month! That is a very risky thing to do. And yet all your things were in the spare room - I'd feel very unsettled in that position.

I think you'd do better to live alone and have a pact with yourself that you'd have counselling before even considering anyone new. You need to be kind to yourself. Because of your previous relationship (and your upbringing, from the sound of your dad) your boundaries are skewed and until they're sorted you shouldn't have a relationship with anyone.

Get a shared place with other women or get somewhere on your own, but please, please leave this man.

I agree whole-heartedly with accessing counselling. You can get a referral from your GP, so that'll be your first port of call. If the waiting list is long, or they only offer CBT, contact your local Women's Aid. Hopefully they can help. If you need to go the private route, go to the BACP or UKCP websites. They're all registered and adhere to a strict code of ethics.

From reading your posts, I feel your self-esteem is on the floor. You're blaming yourself for this man's crappy treatment of you. You asked him for reassurance; "Am I ugly?" And he said nothing. nothing??! I'm going through sustained period of illness at the moment, and know I look like shit. Haven't worn make-up in months, rarely shave my legs etc. You know what DH says? You're beautiful. And I know from the bottom of my heart he means it. You deserve the same sweetie. Don't accept any less.

*Forgot to say, decent counsellors work on a sliding scale moneywise. Ring a few up, have a chat. Very approachable people. They become counsellors because they really do give a shit about others.

I dare say he would make an interesting case study for a psychologist. His favourite literature is about leaving the little woman at home to get his jollies with random women. He seems to have placed his live-in girlfriend into the little woman role, so that whether or not he is physically cheating, he does not regard the real-life woman in his home as worthy of shagging. Only women "out there" appeal. Or the idea of them, at least. Anyway, that's all speculation and could be way off-beam. The important thing is: he is not treating you nicely. Do what they said ^^

I think the sexual fiction is really no big deal as he did not buy them or to your knowledge even use them when you were with him.

I think for men it is very easy to separate masturbation from sex/and even emotions to some extent.

So essentially I think the books you found are really no big deal but huis selfishness in bed and your feeling of not being appreciated is the real problem here.

He does sound like a selfish lover and this is a fairly bad sign. If everything else is good in your relationship I would encourage you to ask him what turns him on does he have any fantasy when you are both in a good place.

This may help wet his appetite as opposed to him feeling pressurized when you decide to try something new.

Thanks for your opinions. It helps. I think facing up to the fact that there are issues I need to resolve makes me feel very vulnerable and in turn just makes me feel like I want to hide away (haven't left the house since we had the argument on sat, good job I've got a week off work) so this is why I tend to push aside the stuff that's happened to me - it's easier I'm a way.
Family guy (guessing you're a guy) I have no issue with porn really at the moment, (apart from the anger I feel towards the exploitation that goes on in some parts of the industry but that's another thread) but he did read pornographic story lines while with me on holiday which I found a bit disrespectful. And we ended up arguing over it :-( how do you go about asking what turns your partner on when they don't open up to you? I'm not sure if it's worth salvaging sometimes.. I could leave him alone to his fantasies and I could possibly find someone that might want to be with me sexually, if there is such a person out there.. :-/

^"ask him what turns him on does he have any fantasy when you are both in a good place.
This may help wet his appetite"^

Wtf? The bloke's being an arse to OP, and you're suggesting OP panders even more? And "whet his appetite?" He's made it clear what he likes, (oral sex on him). Not prepared to do what OP likes though, (oral sex on her.)

Worst advice ever. Please disregard it Purple.

Do not have a baby with this man.
Do not have a baby with this man.
Do not have a baby with this man.

Familyguy, that's insanely beside the point advice. As everyone bar you has recognised, porn is a minor issue here - what's at issue is that this is a deeply lopsided exploitative relationship. Advising a vulnerable woman with seriously skewed boundaries and no idea what a decent relationship looks like about 'wetting' (sp) her appalling partner's sexual appetite is the reverse of helpful.

Purple, please ignore.