How have you coped with breaking someone's heart?

[lpd1]

I am in a very long term marriage but it's never been quite 'right' for me. I've now reached the stage where I feel I need to go which is terrifying but is going to hurt DH beyond description; he adores me. he is a dear, dear, lovely man but no sexual feelings there now at all - me for him. It's also going to hurt my kids even though they are adults. I just dont know how or if I can do it and how to live with the guilt I'd feel. Do I need counselling to help me do what is right for me instead of thinking about everyone else?

Yes.

His feelings are his to cope with. As long as you handle a split respectfully, your duties towards him end there. You can have compassion for the fact that he will be hurting, without making yourself responsible.

Strange how a thread like this gets hardly any replies.

As someone who has been on the receiving end , I do wonder how my Ex deals with the fact that our split has left me broken , physically , mentally, and emotionally wrecked, and hindered in my ability to live my every day life , never mind be a good parent. I know there is a theory of "no longer my responsibility", but after such a long time together and having children together, I'd question this school of thought. I still feel a responsibility towards the ex and go as far as to defend or hide some stuff ex has said from friends and family as I don't want them to ever think bad of the ex.

At the moment I don't feel like I'll ever recover from the split but find that the coldness from someone who was my life for so long the hardest thing to take.

I felt like you OP and was in total denial about it all to the point where I had shut down all feeling and was operating like an emotionless robot to get by. I was unkind to my DH and behaving badly due to resentment and buried anger. Eventually I went to a counsellor and after a while worked out what was underlying my numbness. Next I tried to address it with my DH and we went for counselling together for 9 months. He was utterly distraught at the idea I might leave and made my life very hard punishing me for how I felt. He escalated his behaviour until he was frankly abusive to try to get me back into line. Eventually I fled driven out by his tirades and emotional blackmail. That was what ultimately destroyed our relationship, if it wasn't already damaged beyond repair.
I know I hurt him badly and it took every ounce of resolve to leave but I was being destroyed by him. I still don't understand why he couldn't see that I needed kindness and understanding not cruelty and driving away if he wanted me to stay.
I agonised over how I hurt my adult children and all my family, but now I see them all adjusted to our new lives and apparently moving on in our new arrangements and the guilt is lessening. I still feel shame and regret over the end of my marriage but each of us is responsible for ourselves. My DH believed I was responsible for "making him happy" even if it destroyed me, and if I failed to do so then I was "making him angry"!

At the moment I don't feel like I'll ever recover from the split but find that the coldness from someone who was my life for so long the hardest thing to take. Yes Antican I know where you are coming from.... it is awful..

OldWiseOne - It's this easy you know.... You need to simply dust yourself off , chin up , sort yourself out and then just carry on with the straightforward task of restarting your life from scratch as if nothing has happened. Justlikethat!! Well that's what people tell me anyway!