has anyone represented themselves in a contact case? please talk to me

[GinAndSonic]

Stbxh says hes taking me to court. Despite being a victim of domestic abuse I probably wont get legal aid as I dont meet any of the evidence requirements except the Dr one, and my Dr is very clear that she wont "take my word" that my anxiety was caused by abuse, and that she thinks legal aid should only be for women who experienced "real domestic violence, with real physical injuries".
So, that leaves me representing myself. Im scared. My main concern is that he sees it ascavway of maintaining contact with me, and that he refuses point blank to make regular arrangements. He wants to arrange the day before, or the morning of contact and have me not tell the kids that they are seeing him in case he has to cancel last minute. His sporadic contact has already had an effect on the children, they havent seen him for 3 months (due to him cancelling then refusing to make any arrangement for the next 3 months. their behaviour is finally settling now. They are 3 and 5 and the just "surprising" them with a trip to dads house every few weeks, then not being able to tell them when they were next going was messing with their heads. I told him 3 months ago when he said he wasnt seeing them for a while while he sorted his head out that it wasbt good enough, that he needed to commit to seeing them or just leave it alone because i wasnt happy to keep subjecting the kids to emotional damage caused by him being so massively unreliable and inconsistent. The kids teachers were commenting on how unsettled they were in the week after the visits to their dad.

He likely to be awarded contact isnt he? Even despite him repeatedly saying he doesnt want to see them. I have the messages and emails to that effect still.

I have no actual experience but the legal aid situation is very difficult and when I woke to a solicitor they told me the same and also said that courts will always try to keep contact with the father unless there's safety issues. However if they award contact and he doesn't stick to it you can take it back to court.
It's horrible for the children, my daughters father can be the same and she is very much affected by it which nursery have acknowledged too.

Can you call his bluff in court and say I am delighted that mr gin wants contact. Can we formalise his times? For the benefit of the children as currently he does x, y z. They will not be happy with haphazard contact.

Ouch before his latest threat to go to court i was considerig looking to see if i could take him to court to get residency formalised and contact sorted. So i definitely could do that.

OP you can't go to court to formalise contact. unfortunately there is no law to force a useless parent to be reliable. The way it works is this, children live with you, you,have offered contact but his consistent poor behaviour is upsetting them. You quite reasonably prevent contact as its 'not in the children's best interests' (you keep all emails to show this to the court). He then has to take you to court - (he also incurs the cost not you) . He must fill out a form and say why he is requesting contact. You will reply to the statement giving your reasons. You have a hearing, before the hearing you will both separately speak to a Cafcass officer where you can show the emails of you being reasonable... The judge will award contact, but as you are aware, he won't turn up. In which case you have to decide when you want the merrygoround to stop. Contact can't be forced by a court, only your requirement to make the children available . If he doesn't stick to it, you can reasonably refuse to make them available as its not in their best interest after which he would have to take you back to court again.... And so on and so on...

kittens thanks, i didnt think i could. I just want him to stop hurting them like this. The kids say they want to see him but they are only little, they are just desperate for approval from him. What i really wanted from court was a residency order. I dont want to hsve to go to ex asking permission to take the kids on holiday abroad Etc. Hes spiteful and would refuse.

Does anyone have any recommendations for resources for representing yourself ? What happens after i get a letter from court? Do i have a chance to explain why i dont want him to see them? Do i do that in writing or in person? I just feel like i look like im being spiteful, but despite the kids asking to see him, and being upset sometimes, it was worse when they were seeing him because i couldnt say when they would next see him.

I haven't used it, but I've heard good things about this book and website.

I had a lawyer, but in my experience, there wasn't much chance to speak in court - the main representations were all in writing.

please dont, do not, say you don't want him to see them - that will not look good... there is no evidence of his harm of them - only that he is inconsistent.

do keep repeating that "the children need consistent and regular contact " and you have been offering this, but he has not turned up. and show the evidence.

you can then state it would be better if it was say every two months for a few hours consistently than as and when. or every two weeks for few hours consistently then if he manages that over period of months it can increase. unless he has good reason eg away with work eg armed forces or some such which means he cant make every two weeks.

just gather your evidence that despite offering contact he has only see them xx times in the past three months - give a clear diary. put it all in a document - #
email from you offering contact; email from him refusing;
when contact did happen and what preceded it. emphasize that you have been offering contact - print out a calendar page highlighting when contact happened. you need to be the good and responsible person - offering contact which he has not taken up.

make sure all his comments about surprising them etc are in writing ie email.

ask teacher to put in writing their comments.

you also need to work on their resilience to be able to see him as a sometimes relative who pops in from time to time. so they grow up learning to accept and deal with this.

I have no advice except can you change your GP? They sound utterly awful and a disgrace.

I unfortunately have lots of experience of cafcass and court including representing myself.

I would not be agreeing to him seeing them at the drop of a hat, once every few months. I have met quite a few judges in the 10 years my exdp took me back and forth and I don't think one of them would have been too impressed with that.

You can say you would like them to have a relationship with their father, but the effects of him seeing them and then disappearing for months is having x effects on them and you would like a more consistent contact arrangement, even if it is every month or even every two.

I had to write loads of statements (my position) but never had to file anything because I was never the petitioner.

Cafcass will visit you and your ex, to write a report and their position is very rarely overturned by the judge. If you are Mrs reasonable to his Mr reasonable, you will be OK.

Feel free to Pm me if you want to.

Mr unreasonable

Thanks everyone

cestlavie thats kind of what I meant but I don't know the jargon.
Good luck Gin

I'm off to work but have represented myself a few times now so feel free to message me if you like GinAndSonic

i can get legal advice from a solicitor at my local womens centre, so im off there now, thanks for all your replies