So we have had the living together pros and cons chat..

[Helvellyn]

Had quite a frank chat with DP today about living together.

We are both mid forties, been together 3 years, neither ever married, I have two young children, he has none, both privately rent separately,
children's bio father totally absent, children refer to DP as Daddy. He's known them since youngest was a baby. He doesn't mind them calling him Daddy. They are aware of their bio father and make the distinction, but still choose to call DP Daddy and their bio father 'Daddy Fred'.
We've all holidayed together, daytrips, visit eachother's families regularly, DP stays at mine every weekend (Sat-Sun eve).

He was previously in a very LTR which he left because it seemed to fizzle out. I was previously in a DV LTR and left with my second newborn. We started dating around 3 years after we split up with our previous partners.

That's the background.

DP has frankly stated that if he moved in with me, he would have to change his life completely and mine wouldn't have to change at all. ie I would still do the school run, look after kids, make their packed lunches, do Mum stuff just as I ever did, etc whilst he seems to think he would lose everything he enjoys.

Fact is, I would have to move house which is quite a change as neither of us can just move in with the other - our respective rented homes aren't suitable, so we'd have to get a new house together.

He wouldn't suddenyl become financially responsible for my children. I've managed so far to be financially responsible for them (their absent father pays £2.50 a week) and I can't see joint household bills changing much at all with the addition of another adult. If anything lifestyle would be cheaper.

I haven't looked into working tax/child credits as I work part time and he is self employed - perhaps he knows something I don't there!

But the most I can glean from him is that he is still enjoying living alone and whilst he might not want to always live alone, for the time being he likes it. He went straight from childhood home to living with a girlfriend, so he's only lived alone since the split, for about 4 years.

I have lived alone for 11 years now. I love DP to his bones. We have been through miscarriage, heart attack, family deaths. The children love him. I feel I want to centre my life around him and the children, all of us together under one roof, making a life all together.

But whilst I fully understand his desire to experience life living alone, I need some opinions as to whether one day he might consider living with someone else again, or if I should accept that it probably sounds likely he will not. He did explain that his previous experience of living with someone has made him wary of doing it again. I'm more upset than I thought I would be. All the loss and near death lately has just made me want to move on wth my life and centre it around us all as a family unit, not just me and the kids, and then a boyfriend who visits at weekends.

Has anyone reached a similar point in their relationship?

When I moved in with now DH i immediately became ineligible for all child benefit, tax credits etc that I'd had as a single-parent.
It isn't easy. I am keen to be in a job where I can redress the balance.
Of course. My DH did not view us creating one family home as losing out for him, he acknowledges the differences in his life, but there they stay.
Also, both our lives changed. Yes i kept the routine for the children the same but an extra adult changes so much. I am not autonomous in my decision making, spending priorities have shifted slightly.

Does he want a family? You've been through mc - i am sorry for that loss, can I ask did you plan to live together as parents? (Sorry that's very personal but curious as to how that fits).

I imagine that you would lose tax credits so your partner would become financially responsible for your family.

Perhaps when your children are older your partner may consider moving in together but he obviously isn't looking for the family set-up that you desire. I suppose you need to decide if it's a deal-breaker or not. Personally I would continue as you are if you are happy. We are fed this idea that we all need to be living in a nuclear family style set-up whereas in reality it isn't always the best option.

flora Yes, he did say that he didn't want to live in a separate home from his baby, so it would have sped things along quicker than they perhaps should have if it had come to fruition.

I doubt that our combined incomes would be over the £70k child benefit threshold, but when you say you lost all child benefits, do you mean Child Tax Credit, Working Tax Credit and Child Benefit?

humanjam Yes he may well consider that when the children are older - but that could be a long way off - the children are still at infant/junior school.

The financial side is an implication perhaps I can console myself with then. I admit my notion is a romantic rather than practical one.

Combined income isn't taken into account for child benefit, that's why people have complained that it's unfair. If one partner earns over £50k their benefit reduces, £60k they lose it altogether. It's not just salary that is taken into account, it's the taxable salary package, e.g salary of £47k plus company car worth £5k will take you over the threshold.

I don't know about tax credits etc but I believe the threshold is quite low these days. I maybe wrong but I thought it was around £28-£30K combined income?

I think his comments about wanting to live with you if you had a baby together are telling. Your children may call him Daddy but he obviously doesn't consider himself to be a stepfather figure.

I'm a bit like your dp. I love my partner, would marry him tomorrow but live together? Probably not. I know I am not good co-habiting. I don't particularly enjoy the dynamic of it. I have a dd of 12 and it's likely that when she goes off to uni etc we may live together then as we can be a couple as opposed to him fitting into our lives and our routine.

As far as benefits go, if you live together it will be assumed that you are supporting each other financially. For example if one of you loses your job, you won't be entitled to income-related benefits, as the other is earning.

"I need some opinions as to whether one day he might consider living with someone else again"
You need to ask him this! Only he can tell you.

It's understandable that you feel hurt. Strange that he thinks "he would lose everything he enjoys" - you'd hope he enjoys being with you and your children?! Also strange that he was apparently willing to have a child with you (in which case he would have moved in with you) but now he's clinging to his independence.

If you discuss it again, maybe you could talk about expectations in terms of sharing responsibility for bills and housework but also free time for each of you to do your own thing. That might help if he has a hobby or something else he's worried about having to give up.

I lost all my benefits when I moved in with DH. I have one dc from a previous relationship (get no maintenance) and DH has no dc, so similar to you. He's a high earner so we lost child benefit, and I wasn't working so I was getting income support and housing benefit which I lost as well. So you can't assume your lifestyle would be cheaper living together - we would have been better off if we'd lived separately. The government rules for all benefits, tax credits etc force you to consider your household in terms of joint income, whether your children are joint or not. Any tax credits will rely on both your incomes, and if you lost your part-time income then he would be first to be expected to step in, rather than any other benefits.

In a sense, he will actually suddenly become financially responsible for your children (unless you're managing to meet all their costs without any government support at all (inc. tax credits/child benefit)). Because any money you get for them now would be reduced due to his income. DH was fine with this, and totally committed to joining our lives together. We did not move in together until we were married and that was after five years together. You need to do a benefits check and see how your income would change, based on the income from both of you.

Hi OP

If you imagine a scenario where he says that he can't ever see things changing but is totally committed to being with you and wants things to continue long term if you are happy.... is this a deal breaker for you ?

Like some others say this would be fine with some people. Are there enough positives in your relationship for that to be enough for you long term ? It is a big compromise if you are ideally seeking the family set up. I guess it's a question of what is more important to you, your relationship with your DP, with all that you love about him and keeping him in your life.... or giving this up (much as you wouldn't want to) so that you would potentially find your family set up with someone in the future.

It's very difficult.