fed up with mother...what to do?

[orangutanhihio]

I split up with now exp around 18 months ago. Our relationship had become very strained and we argued a lot, disliked each other and it was bad for our young dd. It had also become clear that he didn't want to marry me, he was not interested in buying a home together etc (we'd been together four years) and generally I felt very lonely and unloved.

We tried to reconcile briefly around six months ago but it didn't work, I realise he's still as disinterested in me as before, he doesnt like talking to me, ignores my phone calls or answers and gets off the phone asap (always a different reason, he's working, his dinners ready, he's busy doing diy etc).

During our brief reconciliation I became pregnant. He hasn't been supportive of the pregnancy, has ignored most of my requests for help, involvement etc and has told me he won't pay additional maintenance for the new baby. He does still see dc1 one day per week and pays maintenance for her.

I would never have chosen this lifestyle, I work very hard to provide for my dc, I spend most of my spare time looking after dc and house etc, but it works and I don't begrudge doing it - I made this life for myself so do my best for my family.

My mother has sided with ex at all times, not always overtly but in a passive aggressive way. She refuses to acknowledge that he's got any faults, she insinuates it's my fault the relationship ended as I'm a 'difficult person'. She makes no acknowledgment of how hard I work to provide financially and emotionally for dc and has made it clear she thinks I'm mad for having this baby. I've explained exp is not all he seems from her occasional contact with him, told her how disinterested he was in me etc.

Recently she asked dsis why I choose to live in my small house when exp has a bigger one?! As if I'm some kind of masochist who wants a harder life on my own for no good reason!

Fwiw my mother chose to stay in a relationship with a man who cheated on her constantly, she believes being in a relationship is better for dc even if it's toxic.

Should I just accept she will never see the fraudster that exp is? Or should I explain again why I ended the relationship? Or distance myself from her?

Thanks

Oh and exp has always been very charming and jovial towards my mother, I've explained he's not normally like that and all is not as it seems, but again mother doesn't believe me.

Hiya sounds like your mother has rose tinted glasses on where it comes to relationships (hers and yours) I don't imagine no matter how you explain it you will ever be able to convince her of your ex partners true nature as you said that she believed being together no matter how toxic it is is best for the DC. I think you just need to make peace with your decision of ending it being best for you and your kids it certainly sounds so to me you deserve better and are setting a good example for your DD of how you should be treated in a relationship sorry couldn't offer any more advice but for what it's worth I think your doing the right thing and it's sad that your mum can't see that do you have any close friends who could offer you the moral support through this time as she is clearly inept at it?? Sending you big hugs xxx

Have look at the 'awful email from dm' thread.

Then go to the stately homes thread. You might find some help there

She probably does see, and she probably does understand, that your marriage was terrible. In fact, I'd go as far as to say she's perfectly aware.

But if she sides with you, she has to admit that all the choices she made in her life, staying with a toxic partner, were wrong.

Some people, especially those who have personality issues, simply cannot do that. They need to validate their choices by making sure others take the same path. By forcing you into staying with him, she validates her life. It's not about you, it's about her, in her head.

So unfortunately, I don't think you're going to get any support from your mother, as sad as that is.

And as for your partner, saying he's not going to pay any extra maintenance! He doesn't have a bloody choice! My blood boils at those who will not support their children (your mother and partner both.)

aussie is right - that thread has the same standpoint. Your mother is siding with ex because, if she didn't, well her choices would make her a hypocrite, wouldn't they? She has to tell you to stay at all costs, as she did, to validate what she did. She couldn't face herself otherwise.
Siding with your ex, is the same as siding with her dH. the man is always right, can do no wrong. ANd a woman's place is to put up with it.

You haven't. And she hates that. You should be doing as she said, doing as she did, otherwise you are showing her whole life to be wrong.

Honestly op, your dm is the last person to be dishing out relationship advice so anything she says I would not take as something to consider. As pp said she would be a hypocrite to support you because then that would bring to the front her own relationship.

It's only better for the dc to have two parents together if both parents are happy, if either are unhappy then its better for the dc if they aren't together.

However your mother isn't going to want to acknowledge the fact that her choices would be wrong.

Thanks, you've opened my mind to why she doesn't support me being single! I can see what you're saying, it must be very frustrating to see that a woman can raise children alone and support them financially when she's stayed with a man through 40 years of crap!

I suppose that also the only 'silver lining' to her staying in an awful relationship was that her children had two parents at home, if she acknowledges that it's better for unhappy partners to separate then she's left with no consolation for her choices.

I will take the advice and remind myself again in future that she is not someone who gives good relationship advice!