Facing up to the abuse, finally

[Lostgirl16]

I really don't know where to begin. I guess I'm hoping you will all tell me I've done the right thing. I know I've done the right thing, but my heart is breaking in half. I feel numb.

My husband has emotionally abused me since I fell pregnant with the baby he wanted. I can't even tell you all the times, sometimes daily, sometimes he'd "change" and things would be fine for a few weeks. He would stay out drinking for days when I was pregnant, only coming home to scream and shout at me until I got so fed up I'd tell him to leave again. This would be his free pass to not come home for another 24hrs. I have no friends. He has tried so hard to cut me off from my family. When I had an accident and found myself in high dependency with a tiny baby, he left me. The night I got home, barely able to get to the bathroom myself, he left me again to cope with two children while he went out drinking.

He falls out with me for everything. Everything is my fault. I'm left to work full time, while recovering from a serious condition that makes mobility hard, do everything for the kids, pay for everything, do all the housework, while he drinks and plays xbox between working nightshift. The money he gives me barely covers the mortgage. Hes paid nothing towards our kids in years.

Refusing sex or making excuses not to would result in me being left to cry myself to sleep from the shouting and name calling. If he'd had a drink and couldn't do it quickly, he would do it till I was in pain, sometimes with tears in my eyes. We got married as soon as we found out we were expecting the baby, and from that night onwards my life has been a misery. If he thinks i've been on my phone to long he gets angry. Everytime it buzzes he wants to know who it is and what they said. He wants a detailed description of where i've been when I'm out, and I'm always lying because apparently journys which take everyone else half an hour he can do in 10 minutes. If the food shopping isn't done hes not happy, i have to tell him what i've ordered for dinner for the week and he approves, and then moans at me every night about whats for dinner. If we're together in public i'm acused of looking at other men. When we get home he'll say I didn't show him enough affection, argument ensues.

Why haven't I left him? Because he can be good. He can be loving. He can make me pity him so much that I give him a roof over his head and he worms his way back in. Hes very good at worming his way back in. Hes very good at twisting my words, twisting my thoughts, making me feel like I'm the one who has made him this way. He'll twist and twist until I genuinely don't know whos right or wrong any more and i give in. He wants more than love, he wants worship, and I'm an inadequate wife for not loving him the way I should. If I was a better wife, he'd be a better husband. But how can I be when I have the weight of the world on my shoulders?

He is very popular, loads of friends. Very handsome, loads of female attention. He's quite proud of this. He's the golden boy of the family, we're the perfect couple, beautiful house, children, beautiful life. I'm the only one who knows the truth.

Until the other day when he was caught, from his family, in his family home where my daughters sleep when they stay over, in bed with someone else.

He made sure to phone and pre warn me that he'd had a massive fallout with family and they will likely phone me and make up stories about him. He thinks I'm daft! He tried to come home and I caved in. Something inside me snapped. After all this torture I finally caved. I LTB and lets just say hes now in a place where he can't physically get to me, or the kids. Last night was my first night alone, I thought I was coping but all his things are here, I have no idea where to put them or what to do with them since the whole family have disowned him. Everywhere I look I'm reminded. I thought of him in the place where he is, cold and alone, and my heart broke all over again for him. How am I supposed to cope on my own? I'm used to doing everything myself, in some ways there will be less work, less washing, less cooking and cleaning. But he watches the kids while i work, picks them up from school. Hes someone to talk to. Hes the only friend i have. Please help me to never ever go back there ever.

Well done for leaving him, he sounds awful. I left mine in Jan. The first few weeks are the hardest, but you will soon see that you can do this, you have been doing it alone anyway.

It's great that you work, maybe you can find a school mum or childminder to help with school pick ups?

You will have other friends. You will not have someone slowly killing you and wasting your precious life with.

There are ups and downs. The hardest thing is leaving, and you have done this. You are fantastic. Keep going x

OMG you brave exhausted woman you! Thank Goddess you're free of him now. There will be loads of support for you on here. The first night of freedom won't feel ecstatic for awhile because you more than likely have post traumatic stress syndrome (PTSD). Your situation has been tremendously horrific and possibly police have been involved? Have no doubt he is where he should be now.

Bag up his stuff and dump it outside. Even if the bin collectors won't take it, leave it outside, re-bag as necessary due to weather or mice eating at bags (don't know if you have a car or not to get to tip). You can ask council to come and get the stuff but not sure if it costs a lot in relation to your finances. This gets him and his vibes OUT of your space.

If you can do this while saying (constantly) in your mind "you are gone you are gone" this will help cleanse you and your home.

Making a list of the shitty things he has done will also help to keep you strong.

Please keep posting for support, I am doing the same, and it makes a huge difference.

Well done again.

Thank you all for your kind words. It means alot when you feel alone.

I'm going to write down in my notes on my phone how he has treated me and try my hardest to see that through the admittedly few good times. The good times are always what has made me come back, but this time my daughters have seen the extent of his ways and I can't let them grow up believing that is how a husband should treat his wife. They need to know that their home is a safe place.

I just don't know how to tell them dads not coming back. Ever. The oldest, whos not his biologically told the police man to make sure he couldn't come back and my heart broke for her. Major guilt over everything, most of all for what i've put the oldest through and that the youngest won't have a father in her life.

tipsy can I do that? I was going to phone the domestic abuse helpline tomorrow and see what they said was the done thing. I don't want to get myself in trouble for criminal damage or anything, but at the same time I just want it gone! It doesn't help that I don't know where he will go, my family has offered to take it to him but i just don't know where and i dont want to initiate contact. But i know it will be a reason for him to come back.

I hope this gets easier, i just need to stay logical and do this for my girls.

Well done for taking the first steps to free yourself from your very unpleasant partner. It sounds as if the 'golden boy' of the family has finally been caught out.
I think you should pack all his stuff up, get a friend or family member to drop it off to somewhere he can obtain it from ie family or friend of his. Then, start to rebuild your life. Change the locks so he can't just walk in. Yes, you may well feel lonely for a while but I think you have been very much alone in this relationship for a long time.
It's time to meet some new friends, it's time to start living the life that you want to lead. It ain't goona be easy, I won't deny it, but come on, it's got to be a 1000 times better than living with your domineering, controlling husband.
Get some advice to help u manage the demands of family and work.you can do this......just keep on believing it.

Well done, Lostgirl, very very well done.

Is there anyone in his family who has a shed where his stuff could be stored?

I think you're right, you do need to put it somewhere which won't involve you at pick up time. It sounds like that won't be for some time though, so you have time to get it organised.

Lostgirl the Lundy Bancroft book 'Why does he do that' is really helpful in understanding what you have been through.

I'm also a little anxious about living alone - one thing he recommends is making a list of your concerns - eg going on holiday alone with kids, telling your friends etc, and then next to these make a list of small steps that you could take towards these.

I know it's early days but maybe talking to someone would help? A support group, counsellor or doing the Freedom Programme?

You sound really brave, you're at the start of a long process that will ultimately lead to a better life for you and your children. No doubt there'll be good days and bad days as you try to rebuild your lives but have it in the forefront of your mind it WILL be a happier life.
You don't say how old your dc are, with regards to explaining to them where Daddy has gone I'd be as honest as you can appropriate to their ages and answer any questions honestly as they ask them.
Are you in contact with his family? Do you have their support?
Meeting new friends start by going to local mother and toddler groups or attending social events at school

Brave, brave woman. You have been abused for so long. It is a shock to realise the extent of the abuse you have suffered. I know, I've gone through that process myself, after years and years of trying to keep my STBXH happy. Impossible task.

Now you can focus on yourself and your children, without fear. Try to build up a support network. MN will give wonderful, kind, knowledgable support. Your family, is there someone you can ask to deal with your H's belongings so you get that constant reminder out of your home? Women's Aid, is there a Freedom Programme near you? Baby and Toddler groups?

You are at the beginning of a new, happy life for you and your children. Try not to waste emotional energy on concerns about your H. He put himself where he is, no-one else did.

MN really does give the most amazing support. When I first posted about my H's abuse I felt horrible disloyal, as if I was doing something wrong. I got over that .

for you. We are here for you.