Sex - the be all and end all?

[Colabottle10]

Newbie here [waves].

Been with DH for 8 years, married for coming up 2. No children. He was my very first boyfriend over 20 years ago and we found each other again 8 years ago.

We run our own business, very successfully, we both work hard at it. See it as a means to an end to make lots of money to eventually retire early. We are both country and animal lovers, love our dogs like children and generally have a nice, if busy, life.

So, things aren't 100% ever are they? Our sex life is almost non-existent. When we were together initially, we never slept together, so it was all new and exciting 8 years ago, as these things are. I'm much more experienced than he is and in those first few years he enjoyed trying out new things with me and I enjoyed teaching him.

He's a typical public schoolboy. Very quiet, very shy and doesn't have much body or self confidence and has issues with his parents who split up when he was young. He's a lovely, lovely man but he is very private.

Around 5 years ago the sex tailed off. We were starting up the business, things were rocky financially and his libido took a dive. Things haven't ever really recovered since then. We can go months without having sex of any kind and can go for a couple of days before we both realise we've not kissed each other. He has never instigated any form of sexual contact. He will instigate hand holding, but this is it. He says he struggles with rejection and thinks that deep down by putting himself out there he risks being rejected even though I've never rejected him and have told him I won't. He says it stems from issues with his parents.

We've talked about it a few times. Often it rumbles on until I blow up and tell him we need to work it out. He says he just has a lower sex drive than me, I told him it makes me feel rejected, which upsets him. I feel like we just go round and round in circles every 3 months in the same cycle. I'm starting to feel like giving up (not on the marriage, I believe in the vows I made and we both don't believe in divorce due to both our upbringings) but giving up on having any form of sex life. I've stopped instigating and because he never does, nothing happens.

Not really sure what I expect people to say really, but feels better to write it down. I've read that plenty of others are going through similar situations, so I know it's not just me.

I think boarding school really does for some boys, and parents that split when young compounds that. I can understand his fear of rejection.

But those are not the sole issues if he feels he has a lower libido than you, there's clearly a mismatch of interest in sex.

The question is whether you can live happily without it. It's such an individual thing. Some people, male or female, can decide that they want to stay with someone with a lower libido or who doesn't like it at all for myriad different reasons - love, the children, security etc. And some people find they just can't sublimate their sexual needs.

In the short term, I would try not to take lack of interest in sex as rejection (easier said than done) but simply an expression of lower level of desire full stop. Many women go off sex for a while after giving birth for example, that doesn't mean they don't fancy their husbands, far from it. A low libido has absolutely nothing to do with how attractive you are as a person.

This is exactly my problem - in that your husband sounds very much like me.

I don't know what the answer is. Desperately trying to figure it out myself.

I suppose it's important, if possible, to establish a relationship with someone with the same level of sexual desire as oneself. But then, as you say, if you are in marriage it is different; people change and the libido of one partner can take a permanent dip.

I don't what you do, other than talk.

One thing I would ask is what do you mean by sex? Is it full sex you want - or would you be happy with any level of regular intimacy?

'Sex' can mean a lot of different things.

I think any level of intimacy would be good but at the moment there is nothing, not even cuddling.

He was very vanilla in the bedroom. Lights off and only at bedtime. Same fore-play and same routine. Open to suggestion when I tried to show other things to do, but forgotten by the next time and back to the usual.

When I initially brought it up he did the whole too tired thing, so I suggested we try at different times of the day, but was forever being put off by him if I instigated anything.

He's also never, ever, wanted to kiss with tongues, says he doesn't like it. I thought he just didn't really know how to do it so tried showing him but he dismissed it.

I'm not sure I can keep going through the rejections. I was in the bath last night and suggested he joined me (not for sex, but just to be together) but he said he was happy sitting in front of the fire. So I was rejected again.

There could be any number of reasons why someone might have issues with sex - asexuality, repressed homosexuality, a medical issue, body image issues, fear of rejection, past sexual trauma, depression (which causes low libido), OCD (fear of germs, contamination), problems at work...I could go on and on..

I'm not saying your hubby has any one of those issues, just that they are possibilities.

Btw have you heard of 'sexual anorexia', because it certainly describes me perfectly.

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sex-lies-trauma/201408/sexual-anorexia-the-shadow-addiction

Hmm, if he doesn't even like kissing, he doesn't really like sexual contact at all does he?

I would stop instigating it as it's just humiliating, and ask yourself if you can live without sexual affection for good.

My guess is that you probably can't, and that you would both be happier in relationships with more equitable levels of interest in sex.

What an unnecessarily nasty comment ToYouToMe, was it supposed to be funny?

If it upsets him that you are struggling with the situation then he should be prepared to do something about it. If it isn't a medical problem (ED etc) then would he be prepared to see a sex therapist to uncover any issues and/or work on how he can work towards intimacy.

I think the lack of cuddles and touching in general everyday life is a red flag. Often if someone doesn't want sex they will still be affectionate in public and daily life with their partner. If he truly has a low sex drive would he not be prepared to pleasure you in other ways - massage?

Do you think it's masking some deeper problem with being in a relationship ?

This is clearly important to you, so you cannot simply try and go without. Does he understand that there has to be some middle ground with this subject? it cant be as simple as "I dont really like sex, therefore you will have to go without".

He says he just has a lower sex drive than me

Yeah fair point if he has, but he's pulled a real bait and switch, hasn't he? You married him on the basis that you were having good sex at the time, he then turned the tap off.

From how you describe him, it sounds like he's not prepared to tackle the problem either medically or therapeutically. You say you're not prepared to divorce. I'm guessing this also means you wouldn't consider having a FWB arrangement on the side?

I'd suggest you get yourself set up with a really good therapist, because you've just committed yourself to a lifetime of rejection, which over the years will make a huge dent in your self-esteem. Sorry :(