my husband has broke my heart

[destroyedpathetic]

Hi, I just need someone to vent to and perhaps tell me I'm not crazy (although this is a possibility) or that I'm over reacting (again, a possibility)

I have been with my husband for 15 years. We have three beautiful children and to everyone looking in, an amazing relationship. But, every now and then my husband gets infatuated with other women. The first time was not long after we met and started living together, this women was a long time friend of his group and as there were other female friends in the group I never really thought anything of it. Untill he started mentioning her constantly, then following her around and taking me to places he knew she would be. Obviously I'm not blind and confronted him and for 2 years he said it was all in my head and I imagined it. Fine, we moved on (I know, I'm stupid. Although after my initial confrontation he had nothing more to do with her) and then out of the blue he admits that he fancied her rotten for years. But he loved me and would have never left me for her.

Heartbroken and devestated (more at being lied to really I suppose) I forgave him and we moved on. Then a year later he becomes infatuated with one of my friends. Same thing happens, he stops as soon as I mention it but tells me I'm imaging it and then a year later admits it after a few drinks.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago, I notice him mentioning a women I used to work with... A lot! And I mean constantly,every chance he got. Now I had left this job 6 months before this started but we still stop by the place fairly regularly, it's a little local bakery and convient. He starts "forgetting things and having to pop back, untill I mention it and again he denies anything is happening. Can I just clarify that this women is happily engaged and has no desire for my husband or even any clue that he us infatuated with her. So again he stops and while I am hurt he strongly reassures me that it's me he wants and that I'm all he needs etc and I push it back and get on with day to day life.

Then the kicker, last night he told me, while drunk. That he did fancy her and he's sorry and it's me he wants (noticing a trend people?) And that he didn't mean anything by it etc etc but this time I think he's pushed me too far. I know that people find other men/women attractive whilst being in a relationship, I honestly get that, but I feel tortured and so hurt that not only did he become infatuated again with someone else, but that again he made me feel like I was imaging it. I just don't understand why I am not enough?

I know I sound pathetic. I do. Maybe I'm over reacting but I feel betrayed. I know that in reality, he hasn't really done that much wrong, I mean he hasn't gone out and physically cheated on me (and I know he wouldn't do that, I would be able to tell) I just feel like he's ripped my heart out. He's away with his friends at the minute on a boys weekend in Dublin and I'm just beyond paranoid.

I don't know what to do, what to think, anything anymore. Perhaps I am just compleatly mental and have pushed him to it I don't know. I mean I am not usually a jelous person. I have trusted him for the larger part of our relationship,always fostered good social lives,on our own and as a couple.

I just don't know.

I'm so sorry for the wall of text. Apologies for any mistakes.

You are not pathetic and I think you have,been very patient with your husband.

His behaviour is insulting and embarrassing. We will all have moments where we look at others and think they are good looking but it's a fleeting thing. It seems your husband is obsessing over these women which can't make you feel great.

It's up to you what happens now but I do think his behaviour is unreasonable and odd.

It's fine to be attracted to other people but making it so obvious to you (and most likely to them if he's following them around!) is strange and shows a massive lack of respect. I don't think his level of infatuation sounds normal for a man in a happy relationship and you need to have a serious talk about it. He's hurting you and I don't think you're over reacting at all.

Sorry to say but it almost sounds like he is trying to wind you up. Is there any reason you think he might want to make you jealous? Does he want to get a reaction from you for some reason?

There's a pattern of behaviour here. When it happened the last two times, did you find yourself putting extra effort into the relationship, to 'win' him back? (Not that he's any kind of prize by the sound of it). This whole dynamic keeps you on the back foot, sometimes for years at a time.

I think it's true you can't help being attracted to other people when you're married, but you damn well can help indulging it, lying about it and then pulling a switcheroo at the point where the spouse can be made to feel unreasonable if they are still upset about the previous behaviour. All that says 'lack of respect'.

I think he does need to understand what he's risking. So whilst this may not be a case of LTB I would let him know you are seriously considering your options, make an appointment to see a solicitor (and when he accuses you of over-reacting tell him he's imagining it), and take a cold, hard look at what he might be gaining from the power dynamic in your relationship by these repeated infatuations.

You are not pathetic but I can tell you exactly who is ..

I think enough is enough here. Look, it's fine to find other people attractive when you're married. Normal, even. Most people manage to keep this to themselves though and not became infatuated to the point of mooning about after their current object of affection like a 15 year old boy.

Your husbands behaviour is embarrassing, humiliating ( to you ) and really disrespectful. I'd be asking him to move out whilst I considered whether a divorce was the way forward. You might find that that concentrated his mind a little

Don't put up with this shit. It's an ingrained pattern now and NOT your fault or your problem if you choose to get rid of this silly man child

I have no real advice but wanted to reassure you that you're not mad or pathetic, you haven't pushed him to it and I understand; it's the making you think you're going crazy rather than the fancying that's the issue.

I'm sorry this is happening; I don't want to say LTB because I think this could be resolved with better communication (from him) but sure there'll be other, wiser people along shortly.

He sounds very self centred. He also seems to have zero grasp of how upsetting his behaviour is. Not to mention disrespectful.

I think the worst thing for me would be imagining him like a love struck puppy. That would put me right off.

Is he stuck emotionally in his teenage years? He sounds like someone who needs a big fat dose of grow the fuck up.

I would have two ways to deal with it. Play him at his own game. Pick someone to fawn over, go on and on about but deny you fancy them for a few months and then drunkly admit it. Or, throw him out, as a short sharp shock.

I don't think I could be bothered doing the 1st.

So sorry your dh is behaving like this.

I'm a slow typer

Honestly, how many people genuinely believed they would be able to tell if their DH was physcially unfaithful to them? Do you think a man (or woman for that matter) 'changes' in some way if they are unfaithful.

I think it is quite insulting to say to people 'oh, I would just know if my husband cheated'.

That aside, your DH's behaviour is insulting, childish and rude.

Thank you all so much for your replies. It's kind of a relief in some way that I'm not the one being unreasonable and I'm not making a big deal of nothing.

Sassandfaff - he is extremely self centered. He suffers from anxiety and has since I met him and everything is always "wow is me" he is on medication for it now so it's a lot better than it was.

I was thinking of packing his stuff and leaving it on the drive for when he gets back. Well I say leave it. I really mean throwing it out of the window.... hard... including his guitars

Ragwort - your absolutely right of course. I just don't think he would be able to control his behaviour to not give himself away.

But my judgement is perhaps not entirely sound, I give you that

*woe

I've done something similar myself. Packed everything in bin bags and threw it down the stairs, so it was all in the hall on his return.

I'm not really into drama enough to throw it out a window and have the neighbours talking about me.

You could send him a message that you have had enough and need space to think about whether you can go through this over and over again until the day you die, because you're already growing tired of it now.

Some men are idiots. Your dh sounds like one of them.

Oh, I knew the first night that my ex of 13 yrs saw a prostitute. I absolutely knew, and his behaviour did change.

But anyway, OP, I can't believe how much you've put up with. His behaviour is creepy, disrespectful and hurtful to you. And if he's willing to hurt you repeatedly, his love for you isn't good enough.

Time to read the Riot Act and take action.

Seems he's only not shagged any of these women because they don't fancy him. He would given the chance.

I'd chuck him out for the woe is me attitude alone. Can't stand people with that mindset. He sounds like a whiny pita and and embarrassment to you.

I'm gunna be honest here and I hope you don't get offended.

Your husband is a creep.

People aren't stupid, these women will know what your husband is up to. There is nothing worse than having the attention off someone who has a partner... It's so disrespectful! Not only do you find that person a creep but you also feel for their partner.

Personally if my partner was behaving this way, obviously I would be fuming over his behaviour, but I hate the idea of people pitying me! "Ohh I feel so sorry for her, her husbands a creep and obsesses over other women and she has no idea". (Even though you do).

You need to tell him exactly how you feel! Yes we all find other people attractive when in relationships, that's normal, but to actually obsess over them is taking it way too far.

If you feel you can stick together then do but explain to him he's an absolute sleaze who has no respect for you, and if he does it ever again then it's over.

Oh and another thing OP I suffer with anxiety but I don't obsess over other men behind my boyfriends back.

I think you have another issue there adwell. The fact he makes himself the victim.

I am sorry your DH has behaved like this. I think as this is the third time he has been obsessed about another woman he will continue to do this unless you react differently this time.

As others have said it is one thing to be attracted to someone else but quite another to behave as your DH has done. It is upsetting and extremely disrespectful to you.

I am not suggesting you LTB but he needs to be fully aware that you will not tolerate this sort of behaviour and he is putting your marriage in jeopardy by doing this. It is not harmless because he hasn't physically done anything assuming that is the case. What happens if he becomes obsessed with a woman who fancies him back? Does he then cheat on you because she is interested.

Is there a friend or relative that he could stay with for a couple of days when he comes back so that he realises that this would be a dealbreaker for your marriage if it continued.

I would also be concerned that he had lied about it and denied anything and he was happy for you to think you were imagining something for two years before he admitted you were correct. Two years is a long time for you to be feeling like that and him knowing that you do. He was hoping that he would get away with it and wasn't prepared to be honest with you. That says quite a lot about him.

I think he enjoys making you paranoid and jealous. I bet he gets some ego stroke out of it. The more jealous you get, the more he likes it.

Hes effectively keeping you on your toes. Its borderline abusive.

Again, thank you all for your kind replies - you are all right. He is disrespectful, he is being an utter creep and how do I know that one day he won't cheat on me given half he chance??

it's the lying and making me think I was going mad that has hurt me the most.

I suppose I have lots to think about with regards to being with him or not.

He is eroding your trust by lying to you especially knowing that you knew but still continuing to lie.

Even if he has never physically cheated on you his lies are causing you to doubt him. You say he is away on a boys weekend and you are paranoid. You are paranoid because you no longer trust him. He needs to work bloody hard to try to regain your trust otherwise you will continue to be paranoid.

I don't actually think you are being paranoid, I think you are understandably insecure because of what he has continued to do while you have been together and that you no longer trust him because when he has the opportunity to be honest with you previously he has lied.

As you have said yourself he has said the same thing every time you have been in this position, he is sorry and he wants you and then some period of time later he does it again. There will be a next time unless something in him fundamentally changes. Making him realise that he will lose you might make him make those fundamental changes.

Sorry to have agree with previous posters op but your husband is a creep. I don't usually say things like that on here, but I actually couldn't get my head around what I've just read.

There is no level on which his behaviour 1st, 2nd or 3rd time around is acceptable. What's more, this is the behaviour he's actually able to display to you right under your nose and (eventually) to admit to. What on earth is he up to at other times if this is his outward face ?

Your user name says it all, but he is the pathetic one. I don't think I could have recovered after the first time - just so utterly disrespectful.