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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

When you don't know if you are wrong

12 replies

VixxFace · 26/04/2015 13:36

I am nc with my family so I don't know if my views are skewered due to lots of issues in my family.

Dp's mum doesn't like me. It's very subtle disguised as jokes. He doesn't see it. Says she's joking and I am sensitive. another female member does the same but she's known for 'being like that' so I am expected to accept it.

A lot of the time when we have been to family parties somethings been said which is a joke apparently which I take offense at. This includes racist comments such as 'white people can't cook/wash meat/smell' ( I am half white).

Last night his mother and cousin asked if I was moving abroad as I have just return from visiting relatives. I said yes I am thinking about it which turned into the mum saying my son is staying here with his mum. All I said was "it is his choice".

The cousin then said "we know it's his choice he's a big man" rolled her eyes and said please. I was quite for the rest of the evening.

I spoke to him when we got home and he said his mum was joking and why do I have a problem with his family. That his cousin reacted like that because I shouldn't have made a comment like it is his choice. It was unnecessary and in his family you respect elders. I said that he should have my back and not let people disrespect me and he said they never have done? He then went on to say he feels like I am trying to cause friction between him and his family. That I am not normal and I see things that are not there!

I don't know if I am in the wrong and too sensitive. He says his mum is so nice to me. I feel he doesn't see the subtle comments made especially when there's a group of women there.

Sorry this is so long and badly written Blush

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 26/04/2015 13:42

I think you will always be unhappy in this relationship. Not only are his family horrible to you, your partner doesn't have your back.

Would you consider moving back to your family without him?

VixxFace · 26/04/2015 13:47

My only family are on the other side of the world and I am thinking seriously about going.

I just don't know any more if it is me being abnormal.

OP posts:
VixxFace · 26/04/2015 13:48

Sorry I read my op again and it barely makes sense!

OP posts:
BigFatPanda · 26/04/2015 13:55

You're not wrong. His family are ignorant rude and slightly racist. If your dp doesn't have your back now can you imagine how it's going to be when the big stuff comes up!

Get out now life's too short to be unhappy

VixxFace · 26/04/2015 13:58

It's hard though it's a five year relationship. But I guess it's not his family but his inability to stand up or even see what's going on. That won't change will it.

OP posts:
BigFatPanda · 26/04/2015 14:02

No i don't think it will tbh. Has it always been like this?

VixxFace · 26/04/2015 14:12

They have always been like it but I have ignored it. More lately especially with the nan and mum making racist comments. I think when I said to him I think his mum doesn't like me, made his back go up.

There's a lot that has gone on which I think has made me less inclined to put up with it.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 26/04/2015 14:13

You sound completely normal. He sounds as though he will always side with his family over you. That's not a reflection on you, but on him. In any case, even if his family stayed the same but he backed you, it would be uncomfortable for you, wouldn't it?

Why don't you make a list of pros and cons for staying/leaving? It might help to get it clear in your head.

VixxFace · 26/04/2015 14:32

Without everything else that's happened do you think the family is a deal breaker?

OP posts:
BigFatPanda · 26/04/2015 14:43

An isolated incident, no. But this has been going on for years. I wouldn't put up with it

BigFatPanda · 26/04/2015 14:49

I think you need a have serious chat with him and let him know how it makes you feel and see if he's willing to change or let him know you're considering your options

VixxFace · 26/04/2015 15:01

I think he's probably going to want to end it himself. To say I am not normal and trying to cause friction between him and his family plus saying that he would choose his family over me says it all really.

He cheated six months ago, I stayed because he said the right things and we was about to get started finally for fertility treatment.

I realised last night if we did have a child the family would be involved, questioning and belittling me and he wouldn't back me up.

It wouldn't be fair to bring a child into that. Just makes it worse because this is probably my last chance.

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