I have no real relationship with my mother at all. Huge back story but basically she decided when I was about 11 that she was done with parenthood and was very much looking forward to me and my sister leaving home.
Single mother, my father left when I was very young; she moved back to her home country. Married a very abusive man and did nothing (in my opinion) to try and protect me and my sister. It was once she finally left him that she stopped being a 'mother'; not that she was much of one before that. Love, yes; she did give that but absolutely nothing else.
I had to leave home at 15 due to logistics of getting to school and she told everyone how happy she was that both her daughters had left home.
Meanwhile I was living on my own in my grandparents apartment (they lived elsewhere) in a different town from where I went to school. Not super great to be honest.
I went to visit her occasionally and she really did not make much of an effort then either.
So when after a year, when I went to visit my father in the uk I ended up staying and not going back. I was very angry with her and we did not speak for a year. I think I had to do that clean break in order to fully acclimatise myself into England. It was a big change having to learn the language above what I had learnt at school and to slot into my father's family as well as taking A levels in a school system very different from where I grew up.
Through the next 3 years we very slowly began to try and build a relationship but that broke down when memories from my childhood and the stepfather came back.
We did not speak for a couple of years and then slowly got back in contact.
It was very nice; but then my grandfather (her father) groped me and that was it in my mind. I did not want to tell her because I thought it would destroy her but I was thoroughly done with that part of my life.
So here we are, many many years later. I do not love her, I pity her that's it.
I have not seen her for about 4 years, speak on skype occasionally. I am kind to her when we speak.
I am moving to the states in a month and half and I have run out of time and money to go and visit her. (I think I was pretending the move would not happen!)
I do not live in the UK so I am going over there to see my family before I go. My sister and I asked our mother to fly over too; we would pay for her ticket and it would be so lovely to see her blah blah blah (my sister has seen her less than me and is very angry with her; I just don't care really).
She does not want to come. She has no clothes. Says she only has one top to wear that she washes every night. She is in too much pain to walk etc etc.
This has made me realise that she is genuinely mentally ill. She is a hoarder like those people on the telly. Me and my husband cleared and cleaned her apartment when we were last there (she was in hospital) but god only know what it is like now. She loves the internet and she is constantly self diagnosing and self medicating because the doctors are no good.
I know this is now ridiculously long. So my question is; how do I respond to her not coming to the uk? Do I say "oh that's a shame" and let her be? I mean, I cannot cure her. She doesn't think she has a problem. And I am moving to America....