It's not fair - I did the right thing but feel so lonely

[faitaccompli]

I threw my partner of 2.5 years out earlier this month.

He was my soul mate about 45% of the time.

The rest of the time, he was an abusive twat, being physically abusive, mentally abusive, deliberately waking me up early in the morning and late at night, saying the most dreadful things about me and my family.

Then later in the day he apologises, says he does not understand how he can behave this way etc. and that he is horrified at what he says. He has ADD and takes speed - has done so for several years and I am fairly sure that part of his problem is the side effects of this drug. He is also an ex alcoholic - he had given up alcohol completely 12 months ago.

I funded him in his new business venture. He owes me several thousand pounds. He was about to get a fairly big payout at the end of April, but I reached the end of my tether one morning when he stormed around the house at 4.30am as apparently when I woke him up as he had overslept (as he did pretty much every day) I should have gently tapped him on the shoulder instead of telling him to wake up otherwise he would be late. The unfairness of me having to wake up, in order to wake him up, and then being told I did not do it nicely enough was the last straw. Funnily, because it was pretty minor compared to other things he had done.

I packed all his stuff up, told him he was leaving, and he did.

And I miss him. Really miss him. I don't want him living here again as he made my son's life a misery, let alone mine. But I am struggling with a dog (he used to walk the dog as his job meant that he was off during the day and worked early morning and late evening), and struggling with being on my own so much of the time (my son has been with his dad for the past two weekends and I am just so lonely).

I thought I was doing OK as he had been a pain about getting some keys to me. But today I asked him to remove all his stuff from my garages within the next week or two, and he sent me a perfectly polite and reasonable email, suggesting that he could meet me there with a van and we could sort out what was what. And I am in pieces again. Just because he is being reasonable. If he could be like that 90% of the time, then we could have had a great life. But he can't.

I have told him I cannot meet him there as I simply cannot deal with it right now. I don't want him back, but I miss him. How stupid am I?

You're not stupid at all. You're grieving the end of your relationship and remembering the nice parts. You sound like you're doing the right thing for you and your son, I hope it gets easier with time x

You aren't stupid OP. You've been incredibly brave, and it will get better I promise

he made my son's life a misery, let alone mine.

Don't let this tosser back into your lives.

Don't meet him.

Who does the dog belong to? Tell him you can't manage the dog now, and he either takes it or its rehomed. Kinder all round.

Feeling lonely - well, that's normal. Why is he having your do two w/e on the trot? That's not fair.

Being lonely - tidy up, go for a walk, eBay stuff, watch crap TV, vent on here, organise weekends and activities, craft stuff to do with your ds. Fill your time with you and seeing friends, have an at home spa day- start a thread on here about it:) book out your weekends, take up a hobby, organise to get your money back, redecorate - join meet up,

Don't meet him. He made you and your sons life a misery. He is not doing speed when he has your ds? Keep an eye on that.

How did he make your sons life a misery?

Have you got proof you lent him money?

Ask when he intends to repay you.

The effect of taking speed with adhd cannot be a good one! Won't the speed just feed the adhd and send his mind and body 1000mph?

Why make it worse?

You need to know you can't help this man, it's who he is, he doesn't know how to treat women properly and that's because he's playing out his own upbringing failures into your relationship.

Hopefully your son will not project this mans failings into his own future relationships. This isn't an exaggeration it's how abusive men learn their behaviour.

Of course you will miss him but really don't you think you've had a lucky escape?

Please spend some time reading about codependency and ways in which you can avoid relationships like this in the future, for your sake as well as your child's.

Nobody is your soul mate for 45% of the time.you and your son deserve some peace in your lives and a drug-taking abusuve partner will only ever bring you both chaos.

Step back and get things in perspective. Hope you feel stronger soon

THank you for your support. It does really help. He is not my DS's father - he has his own children who are slightly older than mine. His children are, of course, perfect (not) and mine is (naturally) a pain in the arse and someone who he can treat appallingly when he feels like it.

My son has spent the last two weekends with his real father - their football team had two important matches (been promoted to premier division) and he wanted to go and watch. So I have been on my own.

I think it was a case of codependency and I do need to avoid relationships like this. I did everything and he gave me his money to pay off debts. He was an ex bankrupt and I let him go onto one of my credit cards. He did not spend anything other than fuel and telephones (he is a driver) but some months did not earn enough to cover his costs. I paid for everything else. Everything. All he had to do was be nice.

You're not at all stupid - not even 45% stupid ! - just a normal person grieving the loss of somebody in your life that you hoped would make you happy. You've acted quickly and decisively to save yourself and your son from further misery.

My tip - make a list of the worst things they said and did to you. When you feel yourself only able to remember the good (or only wanting to) look at the list. It's like your mind is fighting the two different sides of your relationship, it's really horrible.

You will feel lonely at times, and scared of the loneliness. Nothing ever stays the same though, and time and circumstances will change how you feel today. Better to accept and work to change this current feeling of loneliness, than to feel "lonely" when you're with somebody who's making you feel absolutely awful.