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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

School mums - like being back at school myself

13 replies

beabea81 · 25/04/2015 18:06

I am actually too embarrassed to talk to any of my friends about this, because I feel like an idiot to be letting it get to me, I'm an adult, I should just rise above it, but the politics / friendships of other mums where I live and a fall out I had with one in particular last year is making me feel like I'm a school girl again, why does it bother me so much? I just want to be able to not give a s*

I have a few really good friends now who I met through our kids pre school, and I chat to a lot of other mums there and generally get on with everyone, but there are a few that seem to be all about status in the village, knowing everyone and everything people are doing, and when my dd first started I only knew a couple of other mums. I made the mistake of getting friendly with one of the mums who knows everyone and I did notice she seemed to be on a mission to get to know everyone new, she's super confident and admits she's v competitive herself and for her kids, she had them enrolled in every single local group or activity, went to every event and championed the village, she knew a lot of people and not saying anything's wrong with that, some people just stand out and make themselves known. She'd be really chatty and friendly to get to know you a bit, then send a facebook friend request, then arrange a play date, but then move on to someone else, like she'd ticked the box now on to the next. She included me in quite a few things at first and through me became friendly with one of my friends, after a while the three of us would meet up each week as a regular thing for several months. Then I started seeing pics and tags on facebook of things they were doing I hadn't been invited to, which hurt. Then she started inviting a few other mums along so they formed a group which I wasn't asked to be part of, and like a school girl felt all rejected and left out, but couldn't do or say anything as I needed to be an adult about it! The crux was when it was my birthday, my 2 friends didn't ask just told me they were bringing these other mums along to my birthday meal, they also invited a few more of their new friends, and all summer there were fb pics of them all with their kids together every week at parks, pools, beaches, and I wasn't invited.

Have to say their new group of friends weren't people I'd be good friends with, very cliquey and bitchy, a bit mean girls mums, so I was really hurt by my 2 friends, but didn't want to be friends with their new group iukwim. We drifted apart after that, I made some new friends, 2 of them I now count as close lovely friends who are really warm, real, no bitchiness, I also made friends with other mums of kids my dd became friends with at pre school and thesedays everybody shows they are now "friends" on fb, then suddenly and having ignored me for the last 9 months the friend who froze me out is now texting me again and being all chatty and friendly again. Then I notice on fb last week she's added about 6 of my new friends as fb friends, when the notification pops up that you & someone are now friends, literally 2 mins later it popped up saying she was now friends with them too, and has invited everyone even though some she hardly knows to a night out soon, it was a group invite and this time I was invited, a couple of friends have said this mum has suddenly started talking to them having ignored them before, it sounds so juvenile but I feel like she's trying to nick my friends lol, she's asked one of my friends over for a playdate next week and I feel like I've lost that friend already. She knows the history of my past with this mum, so not sure if I'm being like a school girl again bit I feel bit hurt over that, am I being really silly should I really just not give a s* or are there boundaries she's crossing and how do I deal with her for the next 6 years our kids will be at school together!?

OP posts:
Chottie · 25/04/2015 19:05

Hi Bea, this friend sounds very insecure and needy. I would continue doing what you have been doing, seeing your friends etc.

I would not over think the future of the situation, six years is a long time ahead, people move, work situations change, people have different pick up arrangements, new people arrive and all these mean the mix changes again.

It does sound very mean and petty. You can either ignore and rise above it, or you could call her out and ask why she is suddenly contacting you again.

faitaccompli · 25/04/2015 19:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

faitaccompli · 25/04/2015 19:53

Oh dear - I am really sorry - I started a new post and it has ended up on your post. Not sure how to move it. Sorry :(

cleanmyhouse · 25/04/2015 22:01

Well that escalated quickly...

FATEdestiny · 25/04/2015 22:14

beabea81 - Close your facebook account. That seems to be the route cause of most of the problems. Stick to 'real life' friendships instead.

Recently had this same conversation with my DD about other social media. So it is rather childish, to be honest.

BifsWif · 25/04/2015 22:37

Fait, you can report your comment to get it removed if you wish. Just copy and paste what you wrote into a new thread Smile

OP - I know how hurtful it must have been to be excluded, but please try and rise about it. If your new friends are real friends you won't lose them - keep making an effort with them and before long super bitch mum will have moved on to someone else.

confusedoflondon · 26/04/2015 00:22

One word: Females. We are a nightmare.

mommyof23kids · 26/04/2015 04:21

This woman is doing you a favor. She's systematically weeding out all the people who are not really your friends. Thanks to her you will know all the people you should put on your true friends list and all the ones that should go on your acquaintance list. You can't change her crappy behaviour but you can change your reaction to it.

alphabook · 26/04/2015 11:37

I agree with the poster above - this "friend" and her little clique are not people you want in your life and anyone who would prefer their "friendship" is someone you're better off without. She can try as hard as she wants but no one can ever really be stolen from someone else, I hope these new friends of yours prove to you that they are real friends.

autumnleaves123 · 26/04/2015 12:57

That woman and her clique sound awful. My advice would be to stay away from her and her gang and try to stay close to those friends who are real, supportive, and care about you. I wouldn't say that all female groups are the same, but the dynamics of the "queen bee" and followers leaving one person out is very common. Not only among girls but grown up women too. I don't know why, but I see it happening over and over.

If you are an independent kind of person, someone who has her own ideas and philosophy of life, you're more at risk of being the odd one out in female groups. It's just the gang mentality.

Your children won't suffer because you stay away from these toxic people. On the contrary, they will see a valuable lesson there. That you have integrity.

I would delete my FB account (a vipers nest where that kind of behaviour flourishes) and stay in the real world, settled with the nice, true friends in your life, even if it's just two or three.

I've deleted my FB account years ago, as it was full of that sort of nonsense, and I'm so much happier for that. Those who are real friends will stay close no matter what, those who are just chaff will disappear like taken from a strong wind. Nothing wrong with that. Your life will be less cluttered and you will feel stronger and more liberated for that.

winkywinkola · 26/04/2015 13:09

Just ignore ignore ignore all the FB shit.

At school be polite but chilly.

I HATE the school run. I can't bear the cliquey mothers who constantly evaluate others as to who is worthy of friendship and chat and who is not.

It's revolting. I just don't bother with anyone really. I'm there to drop off and get my dcs. That is it. I used to think it was important to forge friendships there but I met so many jerks, I just don't bother at all.

autumnleaves123 · 26/04/2015 13:20

YY winky. It's awful to see adult women behaving like that, but it does happen. I do see it with some mums at the school gate, though it seems like the majority probably feels like us and just drops off and collects.

I think it's just a small number who behaves like that but it's enough to put you right off the whole thing. I'm another school run hater, btw.

beabea81 · 28/04/2015 10:26

Thanks everyone for your replies, has made me feel a lot stronger dealing with the situation and like I can rise above this type of behaviour / personality, I can't stop people like this like you say I need to change my reaction to them, and yeah it's hard to admit because it hurt when I got pushed out by her before, but any friends that get involved with this mum's clique are def not friends I want close in the long run. Ok starting my journey to rise above today then thank you lovely ladies xxx

faitacompli - sorry hon hope you are ok and managed to post and get some answers on the main board, I'm not sure how to remove your post sorry! Will try to report it to mn xx

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