Has anyone confronted their toxic parents, as Susan Forward recommends?

[birdssuddenlyappear]

I just finished Susan Forward's book Toxic Parents after hearing about it on this board. I'm interested that she strongly recommends confronting your parents about what they did to you, how it made you feel, what effects it had on your life, and how you want things to change now. She says that even if your parent ignores you, or denies it, or gets angry- confrontation is still important as you change through the experience of having the confidence to confront your parents.

I'm interested as more commonly I hear advice here to go NC, or reduce contact, with toxic parents, and to not tell them how you feel as it gives them more power.

Does anyone have any experiences with confrontation , good or bad, that they could share?
Are there any situations where confrontation shouldn't be attempted?

I would never have considered confrontation before reading this book, but since reading it I am wondering if it may be helpful for me. I really doubt my parents would change, but I might change by having the courage and standing up to them, and it would make it very clear that I am not continuing to ignore and condone their behaviour.

DH confronted his parents a couple of times. They denied everything, despite the evidence being pretty damning and DH now having me witnessing it too. I didn't fully believe DH about his parents to start with as on the surface his childhood/parents seems pretty idyllic compared to mine.

No, they haven't changed but (and this was before coming across this book) we have much healthier boundaries now and feel no guilt about maintaining them. Confronting them allowed him to accept them for what they are and stop any further damage occurring.

Yes, i did over two years ago. I had tried years before, face to face but i wasnt listened too. After a worsening set of circumstances in which mum treated me appallingly, i wrote her a letter saying the way she was with me and that it was unacceptable and things needed to change. I asked her to treat me with kindness and respect in the future or we could no longer have any relationship at all. She chose no relationship - she was not prepared to be 'emotionally blackmailed' in this way and wrote a vile letter pointing this out, along with many other things. I accepted her answer, and went no contact with her, and after realising i meant what i said, my dad refused to have anything to do with me either (he is mum's enabler). Tough at the time, but my life is so much brighter without them in it, and i am finally happy in my own skin. I have suffered with low self esteem all my life, and i respect myself for standing up and saying, no - enough, im worth so much more than this!

I briefly tried.

I almost had a breakdown as a result.

I think it's not a good idea; it's unlikely to get the results you want and shouldn't be attempted without working through all your hopes, fantasies etc with a therapist.

I don't buy the idea that confrontation is worthwhile. It gives too much weight to their opinions and response. You need to confront the internalised parents in your own head.

I tried, she denied (and got quite upset). Told me I was living a different childhood to the one that happened (don't think so). I was hoping for at least an apology even if there wasn't an explanation of why, but I got neither.

I did. I phoned one day and said everything.

It was all denied, I knew it wouldn't make any difference and it didn't, but I had already decided to say it. For my own sake, because going NC is such a big thing, you are effectively saying, I can cope if this person dies and I never get to say goodbye, so I never wanted to look back and think, well I never actually told them what they did and how I felt.
It wasn't about the response, it was about knowing I'd said it.

It also helped that it was over the phone, so easier to stop the conversation when I had had enough.

If they were capable of love, respect, reflecting on their behavior and changing it, they would have done so already. It has had no positive outcome for me whatsoever. I have been branded insane at worst, oversensitive and lacking a sense of humor at best. The can of worms it opened has been forever laid at my feet and I have had no support from anyone in my family despite my siblings agreeing with me in private moments. I have been treated worse than I ever was and have been punished for a decade for speaking my truth. I am just waiting for my parents to hurry up and die as I know that's the only time I will ever be truly free. So, no, it is an idealistic waste of your energy, just spend less time with them, expect nothing and if they ruin your life never see them again. Truth? Some people don't value it or want it.

I did a few times.

When I was 19 years old they ignored me
At 21 yo they ignored me (I tried to kill myself)
At 25 yo I had PND and ran home as I was I'll and needed a mum (I looked in the wrong place) she laied into me. She told me I thought she was a shit mother and had let me down and that now I had found out it was not so easy to be a mother. I told her as a mother I could never stand by and watch anyone punch or hit my child and I would die before I let any harm come to my child so we are not the same. I know right from wrong and as an adult so should she and yes I think she is a shit mother and she let's me down again and again that she was negeletful and abusive. I told her everything I told her before but with more emphy and calm. I felt she heard me this time. She explained she didn't have a good childhood and I had it better than her and she tried her best. I told her it wasn't good enough for me.

After that I reduced contact to phone calls once a week and two yearly visited nothing changed and I didn't want my children around my mum and dad so I stopped calling and visting. My children were 9 months and 3 years so don't know them or its just people mummy talks to on the phone.

She came to visit us a few weeks ago for the first time and my children were not interested in her and I had distance to spot every 'jelly sting'. She give my things from my dead nan "as I will not see you again until I'm dead and you are burying me" he is hateful and rude just like you!

I actually don't know why anyone would advocate confrontation. It's unlikely to end well.

Sometimes it can be helpful to say your piece. it gets it out - so it does not fester inside you. But then you need to draw a line under it and move on with your life, which means not getting sucked back in to the same old arguments/behaviours.

Once to my dad over the phone. Something happened which caused me huge upset straight after my ds was born. It was connected to my mother who I had already cut contact with. He put her first (yet again) at my cost so I said what I had to and there was no going back.

It is done now and it was the right thing to do at the time. He was a shit dad so no major loss, but it is a sad situation.

I'm happy as now they know how I feel and what I think. It was about me not them I needed to say that to them so I wasn't playing along or pretending or living a lie. I needed to be open and honest about my life. I'm not being two faced or letting them get away with it. Nothing can change the past so I had not expectations of future change as they can't change. I got to know more about why she is the way she is but in the end you need to draw a line under what happened and move on. I moved on guilt free because I told them how I felt about them and what happened. I had counciling as well and talked a lot and I got the emotional distance I needed to do that.

If you confront them to make them take responsibility or accept it happened or for them to see their behaviour don't bother it will not happen as they are not normal people. They will not say sorry or be upset they hurt you or shocked that you are hurt or change how they act in the future. They can't do that or they wouldn't hurt you in the first place. They have you playing a role in their play and nothing you say to them will change that. The best thing to do is not play, walk away vote with your feet avoid contact and live your life without them.

If you need closer and their reaction doesn't matter anymore them tell them how you feel if it is safe to do so.

My best advice is to reduce contact first and have counciling first and after. Learn to set healthy boundaries and enforce them and learn to notice that behaviour in yourself so you don't pass it on to your children. This could take a lifetime and if you make mistakes realise your children will be better for you trying and will learn the skills to do the same and be even better than you. Knowing what's going on is half way to breaking the cycle

I did.

My mum now has dementia and when I first realised something was wrong there was a 'now or never' moment.

When I confronted my mum I was seeing a counsellor and I remember describing the confrontation as 'opening a door on to an empty room'. There was nothing there for me. But strangely that was also quite liberating. It was as if the nothingness in the room was really my mum's, as if it was her who had been deprived of something special.

I still hold her responsible for her complete lack of insight, her weakness, her capacity to betray her own child. As she nears her death, I know I've already done a lot of my grieving. If I hadn't confronted her, I know I'd be in much more of a mess now.

I'm now able to be a daughter.

I found my one piece of confrontation useful. I told my mother that she had never said a nice thing about me in my whole life. She said that she had - she had always said that I was very clever.

She couldnt have confirmed my statement more if she had tried. It helped my resolve to eventually go no contact. And was also useful to tell others who had doubts

DaisyStarLight has it.

There's no yes/no answer. It depends.

If the reason for the confrontation is to get a resolution then it's probably not worth it. If the reason is to have your say so that you don't live the rest of your life keeping the pain inside then I can see that it might be worth it. Although the outcome might not meet your expectations.

I would have been in the first category. I decided not to have my say and then be gutted by a flat denial. That would have caused me real difficulties.

I have never confronted mine. They would just deny everything and say they don't remember. My sister mentioned an incident once and my mum had no recollection. Can bloody well remember things when it suits them though.

Years later I still find the things they said and did hurtful. At the same time I am also aware that others have it much worse.

The trouble they have started on my DC and they now think 'can't be arsed'.

And they wonder why we don't visit very often

Erm - I think I did a very long time ago, I hadn't read Toxic Parents then - she just immediately denied that she had done anything wrong and that she had done her best end of story - she couldn't take in any alternative. Even 15 years later she cannot understand why we don't have a good relationship or why i wouldn't like her because nothing she ever does could ever mean she is wrong.

"Are there any situations where confrontation shouldn't be attempted?"
Yes - where there has been violence, where there is alcohol or drugs because your potentially putting yourself in a very volatile situation.

One of things John Bradshaw recommends in Healing Your Inner Child is writing it all down in a letter and reading it out loud as if they were they rather than actually confronting them. I found that very helpful.

Two years ago I reached a point of "now or never" and asked her to explain her toxic behaviour and this was her response:-

As the youngest (and apparently an unwanted accident I was told for the first time) I had destroyed the family by being born! The house was too small, the car was too small and it was too expensive to go on holiday. Supermarkets did not sell anything in packets of six in the 70s apparently so it was a nightmare to even feed as all.

So, my TM explained, not only was I unwanted but I was resented by everyone. Apparently they even considered having me adopted until I was a year old.

In fact apparently the stress of having me made my Father violent towards not only my Mother but also my siblings and myself. She justified her actions in barricading herself into her bedroom and leaving me outside with my Father in a full blown rage as "if he had got me rather than you he would have killed me".

When asked why I never received the same financial help as my siblings I was told that I should never have expected it as I must have realised they would never have given me any money (it was about £20k in the mid-80s).

She felt no guilt in telling me this, in fact she declared it was a relief to finally tell me.

I was utterly heartbroken at the time, but over the last two years it has started to hurt less.

Eenie your 'mother' does not deserve you.