Gone N/C with alcoholic father and now he's in hospital - How do I stay strong?

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Hi. I've posted about my Dad before under a different name change but I can't for the life of me find the thread. I was given some fantastic support last time, and I'm afraid I'm looking for it again! This is a really long one so I'm so sorry!

Backstory is that my Dad has been an alcoholic since I was a young teenager, and most likely before that realistically. He also has very bad depression and always has done. My early childhood was fine really, I have no complaints, my parents did nice things for me and I felt loved. When I got to about 10/11 I realised that my Dad was singling me out in favour of my DM and older DB for company. He told me we had a special bond, that I was 'on his wavelength' and that I understood him. If I'm completely honest, I just felt sorry for him more than anything. I've always been a softy for upset people, want to make them better, and I did this for my Dad.

As I got older he started to rely on me for emotional support, unbeknownst to my DM. Their marriage wasn't great, DM is more a stoical 'get on with things' type person and Dad felt she was unsupportive (She was supportive, in her own way, but perhaps it wasn't what Dad needed). Examples of things he did was offload his suicidal thoughts, bitch about my DM being unsupportive, text our mobile hairdresser crude sexual things whilst drunk, then asking ME to call her and apologise on his behalf (which I'm ashamed to admit I did).

Finally, my parents marriage ended when he had an affair, and told me about it. I couldn't say or do anything because my DB was getting married later that week, and Dad and I agreed it would spoil his day. This was a very black time in my life, I was terrified that my DM and DB would hate me forever if they knew that I'd known about it. As it turned out, when it did all come out in the wash, DB and DM were absolutely great, and have never blamed me.

DM moved on and has since remarried. She is much happier now and provides great emotional support to me, but I don't want to burden too much on her because I don't want her to worry about me.

I don't really know why but DB and I kept in contact with Dad. The woman he had the affair with died of cancer, which was devastating for him, so I guess I just felt so sorry for him that he'd messed his life up.

In the past couple of years his drinking really stepped up. His house is a filthy disgusting mess, he doesn't wash, doesn't go anywhere. He was retired early because of his depression, and has quite a substantial pension, as well as receiving many inheritances amounting to hundreds of thousands.

He started to get nasty with me a few months back. Sending me texts (always texts, he's never brave enough to say it out loud) saying how I was a disappointment to him, how I was never there for him (completely untrue, he's had several hospital admissions where I've cleaned his house, visited him every day despite huge expense and inconvenience to myself) and saying how I have 'used him for his money'. He has helped me out financially on occasion, but I've never asked for it, he's always offered, and it's never been substantial amounts of money.

A couple of weeks ago I reached the end of my tether, he started being horrid about my DH. To say DH is a saint is an understatement. He's a wonderful guy, loves his famly and would do anything for us (we have two very young children). Dad saying things like my DH was an idiot, that he didn't work hard enough, basically getting down to the fact that I, as a middle class woman, should not have married an unambitious, working class man (HIS opinions, NOT mine I'd like to add! I don't actually identify with either social class). I felt I'd had enough of him, and so blocked his number on my phone so now if he texts or calls I don't receive anything.

The peace has been great, but I got a voicemail on my phone yesterday off my Dad (seems he can still leave messages ) saying he'd been admitted to hospital (again) with alcohol related issues. I tried to ignore it, but feel guilty. I don't want to see him, I'm sick of picking him up off the floor. I feel like he's beyond redemption. He's had 4 attempts at rehab at the NHS' expense. He's done it on his own at least twice. He's had substantial amounts of counselling, specialist alcoholic workers input. He's never going to get better.

Sorry - I'm nearly done! I'm ashamed I'm ashamed that people will think I'm abandoning him. The few people I've told that he's in hospital have all immediately asked the same question 'Are you going to see him in Hospital then?' with the expectation that I am. Am I totally heartless? I don't want this man in my life.

An old friend, a friend I considered my best friend, also had an alcoholic father. I once confessed to her that I wish my Dad was dead. She judged me very harshly. Unfortunately her own Dad did die of his alcoholism not long after, and now she wont speak to me, because she sees our fathers as victims of a terrible thing. I agree with her to a certain extent, but can't help but feeling sometimes we have to make choices in life not to lift the fucking vodka bottle

I'm scared people are going to judge me in the way that she did, and I don't know how to stay strong. The nurse from the hospital rang me today, as apparently he'd had a fall and it was a requirement that they had to inform the next of kin. It was so awkward telling her that I didn't actually speak to my father.

I'm so sorry I've just realised how long this post is! I'll shut up now!

Oh, Notebook. It's so sad that your friend judged you.
He has made his choices - to keep picking up the bottle, to burden his child with adult issues, not to engage in several attempts at rehab and so on. He is now reaping what he sowed.
You know that there is only one way that this anguish is going to end, and I so don't blame you for wishing it was over already.
You don't have to go and see him if it would upset you. Let the professionals deal with him now - you have done all that you could in the past. You've been that dutiful daughter, trying to fix him. No-one can fix a drinker, and trying to often enables their behaviour. I suspect your friend hadn't reached that realisation when you made your comment.
Sympathies.
I can think of 5 people I know who've died as a direct result of alcohol use.
I won't send you any wine! But have a and a .

So sorry to hear about your dad. My brother died of (alcohol related) cirrhosis of the liver in 2013 so I understand some of what you are going through. I spent years trying to help him but in the end I felt I couldn't take anymore so I shut him out of my life. I didn't want to but it was the only way I could cope. I would tell you more but I find it too upsetting.

You have clearly been a good daughter so please don't feel guilty. Sometimes self-preservation has to come first. Take care X

Sorry your friend judged you. It sounds very defensive - like if she allowed you to be critical of your dad she might have to face the truth about hers.

Nobody has the right to dictate how you should feel or to judge you.

Your OP really hit a note with me. I'm low contact with my alcoholic father and I dread the day he is admitted to hosp. He has also failed rehab so many times.

I also get that you wish he was dead and feel the same way. I think it's the realisation that they won't get better- to me, death would bring an end to all the unhappiness my dad has, as well as my own.

It is a cruel cruel disease which affects more than just the person suffering with it.

I have no advice, but know that you are not alone xx

Thank you all so much for reading and replying! Blue, I will take that cake and tea gratefully! Alaugh I'm so sorry you've experienced similar, and you Olivia, it's so tough isn't it? Peppermint, I think there may be some truth to that. Although it's had a huge effect on me, I feel like I lost a good friend, and I'm so scared others will judge me the same way I haven't heard anything today, but it's really playing on my mind, what's going to happen when he gets discharged. He's going to be seriously pissed that I didn't visit, but to be honest I've been the good daughter, visited everyday previously when he's been in, and he still likes to throw the 'unsupportive' argument at me everytime he gets worked up about something.

I'm so sorry you're going through this Notebook.

In my experience nothing you can do will ever be enough for him so you need to decide what is enough for you.

Am NC with my alcoholic father. Last time I saw him he was in hospital after losing a leg due to not taking medication. That was over 2 years ago and I have since had a baby which he does not know about. It was easier for me as my dad does not ever keep in contact it was always me phoning and visiting. I still feel bad but I have to live my life and I want to protect the people i care for.

All I can say is be strong, you will feel as if you are grieving but this is for the man that doesn't exist, the one that doesn't drink. But he has already gone.

I am NC with my father. He is not alcoholic, but there are many other similarities between our backgrounds. I have been NC for just over a year. He is very unwell, recovering from pancreatic cancer and other health problems. Since I have been NC he has been very ill again, and reportedly nearly died. I too fear being judged by both family and other people that know me. But no-one else can understand (other than my partner who has seen first hand the harm he has inflicted over the years) how bad the relationship was for me. Being NC has brought me a certain amount of peace, along with a helping of guilt and doubt. But when I think about seeing him again, the immediate stress reaction I feel tells me I can not do it. Counselling with a psychologist has been very helpful. I really feel for you and I believe you have done nothing wrong. No-one should judge you.

Thank you all so much for replying and sharing your stories too. I know it's awful but it's nice to know I'm not the only one IYSWIM? liquid, you are right, the Dad I loved as a child died many years ago. I have come to accept this, but I feel I have to explain it to people?I said as much to my friend that I mentioned in my OP but I don't think it went down too well

It's got a little worse today. My DB (who has minimal contact with Dad) got a FB message off Dad's 'girlfriend' (I don't know how long they've been together but it won't be more than a few weeks, he can never make relationships last anymore). Apparently she's been looking after Dad's puppy (a very wise choice to get a puppy when you're an unwell alcoholic ) while he's been in hospital, and can't cope anymore. She wants one of us to take the dog. I know DB can't, he's very allergic to them, as is my neice. I don't know what to do. DH will agree to having her here if I ask but he'll resent it. We lost our own elderly girl last year and it was heartbreaking, I don't think he would like another dog in the house so soon. On the plus side the kids would LOVE it Theirs literally no one else. Dad was an only child and my grandparents died years ago. What the hell do I do?

I went NC with my father and when he was in hospital I gut a message to day he was dying. I had had quite a few of these over the years and they were total bollocks but this time the source was reliable.
I didn't go and see him and he soon died, I didn't go to the funeral either. Despite other family members telling me I would regret it I don't at all. It was the right call - he was an EA arsehole and him dying didn't change that.

I wouldn't make any decisions about the puppy yet- talk it over with your DP and have a think. And I say this only because your post suggests that you may, possibly, have a dog-shaped space in your lives . If you didn't, I'd just tell you that it wasn't your responsibility, and it will come to no harm being rehomed with a stranger.

I would also say- only go and visit your dad if you think it would benefit YOU- in other words, do you think you might look back in years to come and wish you'd done it for the sake of closure? If you don't, or if you think it will give him the opportunity to damage your emotional well being further, don't go- you owe him nothing.

Re: the nurse- I'm sure she wasn't judging you at all. I'm sure she has come across this reaction in the family members of alcoholics many times before, and is used to it .

OP I also lost a friend who did not understand when I wished my dad was dead, she had recently lost her dad but she couldn't see how awful and draining my dad was. I would rather have had few years with a loving father than 40 years with a toxic one.

I would advise not taking the puppy it will only serve as a link between you.

I had counselling and it was explained to me that what had happened with my dad was him emotionally abusing me. He was never there and I was left to fend for myself while he was in the working mens club drinking. I was left to entertain myself in the lobby outside the men's toilets.

You have had it far worse so you should not feel guilty.

Notebook, your post has really hit home with me. I don't really know what to say - except you have done nothing wrong and you shouldn't feel bad.

My situation has some similarities to yours. My father was an alcoholic. My db and I haven't seen him for 20 years because we reached the point where we couldn't cope with his behavior any more. He really wasn't nice or loving towards us.

My db and I have largely been no contact with him but in recent years he has contacted my db to let us know that he is in hospital. Basically he can see that he is nearing the end of his life and wants us to look after him!

I don't even try to explain this to friends as I know they have no hope of them understanding and they will be judgmental. So I know something of what you are going through. I deal with this situation by telling myself how could they understand, they couldn't possibly understand unless they'd lived in our house with us and witnessed the behavior we witnessed behind closed doors. Don't listen to people who think you should go, they don't understand.

I too, God forgive me, think it would be the most convenient solution if he just died suddenly of a heart attack so I wouldn't have to feel guilty for not going to see him. I try and justify not going because I know he has no concept of wanting to say sorry to us, he just wants us to help him, he hasn't changed - but it is hard to accept not having compassion - because if someone said to me would you sit with a dying stranger, I would, but I don't want to sit with him.

Sorry, I'm not sure if this is of any help to you, but I wanted you to know that you are not alone in your feelings. Your post, and the other posts here have really helped me, I hope they have helped you too.

(Sorry if I have hijacked thread).

I'm so sorry to hear all your stories, but I'm so grateful you are sharing with me. Katy you absolutely haven't hijacked, I'm glad others posts have helped in the way they've helped me.

So I got a phone call off the Hospital yesterday, (I'm listed as next of kin), they wanted to see me urgently as Dad had been moved to Critical Care. I went up but decided I didn't actually want to see him. Fortunately I had my 3 year old with me so it gave me a good excuse not to actually go on the unit! The nursing and medical staff were fab. The Sister, Registrar and Consultant met me in the family room and told me what had happened. They'd had to sent the crash team to his ward that morning because he wasn't maintaining his own airways. He's on a ventilator and needing a lot of support, he aspirated (choked on his own vomit basically) and they wanted me to know how serious it was.

Honestly, I just feel...emotionless? I think this is partly because I don't think this is the end. I firmly believe he'll just recover and discharge himself like he always does. I know what a serious condition he's in (I'm actually a trained nurse, I'm well aware that the level of help he's needing is bad) but I just keep thinking this isn't his time. I'm glad I went, simply because I could set a few things straight with the Drs. They were under the impression he'd only been drinking for the past couple of years!

DB rang the woman looking after the dog last night. Things are fairly settled there thank god! Some of her family are very keen to take on the puppy, which solves an immediate problem for us. DB was very embarrassed, and angry at Dad for putting him in that position, we had a good chat last night about it all. The poor woman he'd been seeing, he'd met over the internet (as he always does) and had strung her a bunch of lies about how his alcohol problems were only very recent, and that the day he fell ill he just basically rang her and begged her to take the dog for a couple of days. It's only when she went to visit him in hospital the next day that she realised the extent of his issues. I bet she regrets the day she ever met him! DB said she sounded really nice as well!

I want to thank you all again for reading my mammoth post and for taking the time to reply. It's been reassuring to know I'm not alone in my thinking.

Sending hugs.

Well done for going to the hospital, that must have been so hard, and I'm really pleased the medical team were supportive.

Let us know what happens. He's seriously ill and he may die... he may not... but I think you have considered the possibility that he may die without you going to see him, and you've considered, as best you can, the consequences of living with that decision.

I don't think it would be an awful thing not to see him, so try not to feel bad. The only person who has some hope of understanding is your db, I think - and people on here who have had similar experiences.

Take care and stay strong, you haven't done anything wrong xx

Just wanted to wish you my sympathies and to say I understand some of what you are going through. My dad is also a heavy drinker and his drinking was highly problematic to me when I was younger, leading to some borderline EA. To his credit his drinking is under some sort of control and stable but it doesn't erase the hurt, shame and pain it caused me when I was younger.

I totally understand that sense of being unsupported, the sense of constant panic and apprehension of bad behaviour.

I have chosen not to go NC with my dad, in large part because he has to some extent dealt with it.

I would have done had he not. I would not blame you in the slightest for going NC. You have to put yourself and your family first.

My brother went into hospital so many times and then one day in went in and didn't come out again. All very sad, but I grieved for the brother I lost a long time before he actually died. His personality changed a few years before he died and at times I hated him. He was a compulsive liar! Deluded! Alcohol does that to people, it damages the brain and sometimes it's not reversible. As sorry as I am that my brother died so young, I am relieved that he is now at piece.

I didn't go to the funeral and his girlfriend and some of his friends called me a bitch! If only they knew what I had been through! It makes me so sad.

How are you coping today Notebook? Hope you're okay. X