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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help me not to mess it up...

4 replies

Betsie81 · 25/04/2015 14:58

Hi, bit of a long one but need honest advice please.

I'm left my emotionally abusive and controlling partner of 15 years last year. We have a couple of children together. I never loved him, was with him at very young age and to be honest, have never felt more free since leaving him.

I had a short relationship with a seemingly nice guy, we met online and it was a massive thing to sleep with him, as I had hang ups about my body (I'm slim and attractive, but saggy tummy etc from kids. Everything is well hidden by clothes so my appearance can be deceiving ). When it finally happened, I never heard from him. It knocked my confidence further (my ex was very critical of me too).

So, just recently I met a guy online. I've been seeing him just over a month. He seems incredibly genuine, we have so much in common including our past relationship (his ex cheated and he doesn't have as much contact with his child as he'd like) I didn't want to get in too deep, only to sleep with him and face rejection because of my body. So, as cringeworthy as it was, I told him about my hang ups and more a less if he thought it would be an issue, I'd rather know now and we'll call it a day. He was remarkably cool about it. Says his not shallow and likes me for me. This was a huge relief and true to his word, he had no issue with it. Reassured me he found me sexy and attractive and everything seems to be going well in and out the bedroom. It's been refreshing to finally meet someone kind, compassionate, someone I can talk for hours with and have fun. The absolute opposite of my horrid ex.

My problem here is this. We live about a half hour drive from each other, both work and both have days where we have our commitments with our kids. This weekend was a perfect opportunity to meet up as I didn have my children and neither did he. Next weekend will not be possible for either of us. I have been the one to instigate meeting up and he is always happy to do so. I decided that I need to step back to let him take the lead as such. But he never has. As it stands we have not met up this weekend and he has not asked to see me during the week.

I'm scared of coming on too strong so soon but equally would have hoped he would ask to see me? I don't want to jeapodise what could potentially be a great relationship but it's so early days I'd expect he would be just as eager to see me?

We keep in touch by messaging each day. He says he really likes me etc. do I suggest meeting again or leave it to him?

My ex had completely destroyed my self esteem and I'm very inexperienced in relationships. I'm worried I'll come across too needy but equally I don't want to be left in limbo?

Please help me. Don't want to screw it up. Thank you

OP posts:
enderwoman · 25/04/2015 15:04

Hi OP.
I left an EA relationship and what really helped me get stronger was not dating and focusing on my friendships and self.

I'm not saying that everyone should necessarily do the same but I just wanted to share my experience about how I improved my self esteem.

Betsie81 · 25/04/2015 15:19

Sorry to hear you experienced what you did. I was told that is the best thing to do, and actually I can see why it would be. However, I defi struggle being alone. I've always been in a relationship (with exception to 8 months after my split from my EA ex. This guy genuinely seems like a great guy. Just can't figu out if he's very laid back or not as keen as I'd hoped? Is this the norm so early on. Very inexperienced here?

How did you cope being alone? Was it easy?

OP posts:
ALaughAMinute · 25/04/2015 15:19

If I were you I wouldn't contact him. Best to play it cool and let him come after you. Be unavailable when he calls and don't be too eager to see him when he eventually contacts you.

If he's interested, he will make the effort to see you.

minkGrundy · 25/04/2015 15:31

It may be that he is not confident either and does not want to presume on your time.
If I were you, I'd be open. Tell him you would like him to plan sometimes. IME it is not unusual for men to leave all arrangements to women.

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