Will this change?

[Ikeameatballs]

A year ago I met a lovely man. Attractive, kind, hard working and a devoted Dad to his 2dc but we've had a difficult time.

I've often felt "last on the list" in his priorities and I've struggled very much with his reluctance to let me in to his life, meet his kids etc, yet he has been happy to do this with mine. I've also felt that I've had to do a lot of the organising of seeing each other and have often been left waiting/uncertain if he would be able to see me due to work/his dc. Essentially at Xmas we almost broke up about it all then we went away together, he talked about his experience with his ex-p (EA) and I wanted to try again with the understanding that he would try to address some of the things that had been difficult, mainly organising and making plans in advance and saying no to his ex-p if she wanted him to change plans at the last minute.

Fast forward to Easter and despite lots of heartache things were no better. In Feb he went away with his sports team for a week without really contacting me, I had asked him to use the time to think about what he wanted but I had still expected some contact. I felt that things needed to end, more heart to hearts and then no contact from him. I went on a date, great guy, made me laugh properly for the first time in ages though nothing serious and he has now gone away with work.

Now 1st guy is declaring his love for me, saying that his past actions didn't reflect his feelings, he really struggled with emotional commitment but can see how wrong he has been and how much he wants a proper committed relationship with me. He has gone for NLP to try to help him change .

My heart would like to give 1st guy a chance again. He is lovely and when we were together without other pressures we had a fab time but I have been hurt v badly by his behaviour in the past and I think his difficulties with relationships are deep seated (sent to boarding school, difficult relationship with his dad then definite EA from his ex-p to him) and I'm not sure he's really ever had a relationship that's been positive.

What should I do? Is it possible that he will change....?

If you like him give him one more chance. Put a time limit on it. Don't tell him about the time limit but say six months and then see how you feel about things.

Let him try and let him prove he can make more effort. Then move on if nothing improves.

NLP? From the vague things I've read about that, it won't help him sort his commitment problems. Counselling and CBT maybe, but not NLP.
But aside from that, it's been a year. He's making you unhappy. It sound be lovely at this stage, not miserable. He sounds selfish and self-centred, and is only chasing now you've moved on. Let it go.

From what I recall, an ex of mine used the skills he learnt on an NLP course to try to 're-program' me.

It sounds like he has already had his second chance and blew it. He's only interested now as he sees you moving on.

Please don't waste any more of your life on him :(

Hello Ike

I think you have given guy one plenty of chances & you dont seem happy

May be you should have a break from guy one & have some time to yourself & go dating if you wish

Both have a break from one another

If you get back together it needs to be 100% better for you both

Good luck

No this will not change

I had told first guy that I needed to have no contact for a month. He wanted to whisk me away for the weekend but I refused as that's never been the issue, we've had lovely times like that but the day to day has been a struggle. I've been tempted today to see him to talk but I'm going to wait and hope I get things clearer in my own mind.
I keep remembering little things, he had had a horrible time at work and texted me, I suggested he ring me to vent about it and instead he asked me to send him a rude pic! He would also forget things I'd told him which made me feel that he wasn't listening in the first place.

I was in a very similar situation and despite us trying again, several times, nothing changed I'm sorry to say.

Any positive experiences?

He has now hand delivered a letter to me, I was out and he would have known that from my work patter. He tells me again how sorry he is, how he didn't know how to manage a relationship and kids and how he acted badly but loves me very much and wants to commit himself to me.

I feel so utterly conflicted, messed up and stressed. I keep thinking of how hurt he has made me feel and it's really difficult for me to see past that yet at the same time I very much loved him when we were together.

I feel like I need to respond to the letter in some way but I really don't know how.

This is so tricky. His behaviour does sound like that of the classic player: thoughtless and unloving, makes you do all the running until you draw away and then lays on the charm to suck you back in. Then once you are back in, it all starts again. Or, he may have had a genuine wake up call. My feeling is he won't change, or he may change a little for a short while but you'll soon be back where you were. If you do decide to give him another chance, can I suggest that you work a little on your own responses. For example, you talk about doing all the organising of seeing each other. Don't. See whether he can step up.

May I ask if you were his first relationship after splitting with his exP? That may be the case of him not knowing how to manage a new relationship on top of being their consistently with his dc and working

I really don't think he is a player.

It us his first real relationship after splitting with his ex, although that was 7 years ago.

I would give him another chance. The first cut is the deepest and imo if it goes wrong again you won't be so hurt.

Bollocks, he's had a year of chances and is fundementally an arse.

If he really struggles with emotional commitment and he doesn't know how to manage a relationship with kids, then you have massive problems that a few I love yous won't fix. What do you think is going to change?

He's only come running because you met someone else.

The other guy sounds like fun. I'd move on and not waste any more time on this.

I sent him a brief text last night to acknowledge receiving the letter but I asked him not to reply to it. I promised him a proper answer soon. The more I think about it the more I need a break from him. I need to work out how to word a proper reply.

If you feel you need a break after a year there's something really wrong. I think you're making a good call.

All you need to say is, 'I need a break, I will contact you anon'.

For me, I'd say he's had enough chances to fix things and it's too late.

You said the other guy made you laugh and you haven't done that for a long time. That is a pretty sad statement when you've been in a relationship for a year. That alone would make me walk away.