Am I over reacting?

[Limurz]

Newbie poster here in need of some advice. This week I separated from my husband of 18yrs. We have 2 girls. I think my husband is having a mid life crisis as he has become obsessed with buying a classic car. I asked him to wait until we'd got a new family car and a few bits around the house, but his obsession grew and grew. A few weeks ago he told me he was going to look at a car about 150 miles away. What he didn't mention is that he had hired a transporter and rented a garage, so he had every intention of buying it. He is self employed and works from home. I then found out he'd had about 5 days off work, travelling the country looking for a car, yet I'd come home from work and he would let me believe he'd been home as usual all day. His lies and deceitfulness really shook my trust in him - but worse is he does not get why I am so upset with him. He wanted it, i didn't want him to get it so he just lied - nothing wrong with that according to him. He's a good Dad but has a knack of making me the disciplinarian and tells the girls that 'it's party time' whenever I go out. It makes me feel isolated and lie a nag. Anyway we have been unable to reach and compromise or agreement and he moved out this week. Have I over reacted or can you understand how his lies have hurt me?

My answer to this depends on how much money you have and how much the car costs

The part where he says it party time when you've left the house makes me shudder. No, it makes my blood boil. What a prick.

I get you totally. Lying to your face. Going behind your back. Completely ignoring your requests. He sounds horrible to be honest.

Does he have any redeeming qualities? From your OP I'd say you're better off without him but it's only a snapshot of your life...

We are comfortable financially but the car will only benefit him. It could have been a family holiday. It could have gone towards a new family car. The days he went off on his own could have been the family days out he always gets out of by saying he has to get on with his work. It's not about the money, it's about being selfish and deceitful.

Has he got a history of lying and prioritising himself? I'd be so shocked at my husband doing this I wouldn't know what to think! It would be so out of character!

The thing is, your feelings are real and valid. If this has upset you so much that he's moved out, I'm guessing there's a back story. It doesn't matter about the money, it's the principal. It's the way he's made you feel.

I have often thought he prioritises himself but then always questioned myself for thinking it. Not sure about the lies but I think for years he got away with doing what the hell he likes, batting his eyes and being let off the hook.

Sounds as though you're at the end of your tether with him?

I know a lot of marriages in RL where this has happened - mid life crises = impulse buying of a classic car, a sports car, a motorcycle or a boat. The man always got what he wanted. The fighting over it was pointless. I HAVE seen where the wife gets the same amount of money to blow on herself though - as she sees fit. Make it equal.

I think it's the other aspects of a mid-life crises that are more problematic - the affairs.

As DH and I have an equal share of disposable income the money of asking for permission wouldn't be an issue as it'd come from our own money.

However, if my DH deceived me for 5 days about where he was and was using up holiday which could have been spent as a family I'd go absolutely fucking ballistic.

I can't anide liars because you then can't ever trust them again.