Sister/wedding/bridesmaid issue. Complicated. Need help.

[SeattleGraceMercyDeath]

My sister and I have a complicated relationship, I do lover her, she's my sister but equally she irritates the life out of me, we are so different, I had children young, I married the boyfriend I had at 18, I live round the corner from our parents, I have a 'traditional' job. She's lived all over the country, currently in a tax haven, her partner earns big money, they have what looks like a fabulous lifestyle, I'm not jealous, it's not for me but I do sometimes feel as though DH and I are looked down on by them - despite the fact we not have good jobs and comparatively speaking as we live in a cheap area, similar levels of disposable income. I think if I voiced that I would be accused of being jealous but equally I don't think its something that means to come across by them.

DH and I married 4 years ago, sister was a bridesmaid because that's what you did, DH and I didn't have an easy path to the altar (met young, had kids young, split up and cancelled one wedding, eventually getting married about 12 years after getting together) but we are very happy and content now. Last year dsis's partner proposed on a holiday of a lifetime type thing, lovely, over the moon for her. Now I'm expected to be bridesmaid. I say expected because I haven't actually been asked, I went to a wedding fair with her and a stall holder asked if I was bridesmaid and I smiled politely and said 'oh no' (I hadn't been asked and didn't like to assume) and my sister got angry saying 'of course you are' - well how was I supposed to know?!

So fast forward to recently my sister wants to go dress shopping, she has picked a colour scheme that unfortunately does not suit my sallow pale skin, hey ho, not my wedding, suck it up. But the comments about keeping me out of photos so I don't ruin them, however jokey are getting tiring. She hasn't picked the dress yet but refuses to have any kinds of straps or sleeves, I'm fat. I have massive tits. Strapless dresses make me look like a sack of potatoes with string round the middle, I made that point. To which my sister argued I have plenty of time to lose weight, well yes I do, and I want to. I really do. But I didn't manage to do it for my own wedding (and as a result have about 3 photos I like of my day - but that's my fault, no one to blame but myself) so I petulantly (and it was petulant I know) said I wasn't likely to bother for her wedding.

I want my sister to have a great wedding, I would like to be bridesmaid and look great and do her justice. But it's unlikely to happen, as it stands I'm going to be wearing a dress in a colour and style that doesn't suit me and I'll spend the whole thing feeling bad about myself. But I don't know how to say I don't want to be bridesmaid without making the whole thing about our already 'fractured relationship' as the older one I'm always seen as the one who should just try and get along with her, my mum gets frustrated as we're not close. I don't know what to do and I'm sensing im getting very woe is me about it all, I need to pull myself together.

Sorry that's long and probably a lot of irrelevant information. Sorry!

The difficulty about backing out now is it will be assumed (because I don't show these insecurities) that it's a problem I have with my sister.

I think that most reputatable weightloss approaches would have a decent dollop of being kind to yourself. The language you use to describe yourself is difficult to read.

Would you be happier not being a bridesmaid? If so, tell your sister that you love her, and you will be there for her wedding, but you're not going to be a bridesmaid because you feel so unhappy about having to be so visible.

I dont think YABU at all. I'm being bridesmaid in Sept for my best (male) friend. He was my man of honour at our wedding.

His wife to be has chosen the colours, but has said from the start I myst feel comfortable to tell her what I do and don't like. Its been tricky as I have scarring on my back so I have said no to literally hundreds of dresses she or the other bridesmaid have sent pics of.. I even offered to step down at one point!!

But we all worked together and gound a dress that we all like. I did the

...same at my own wedding. My hirls ranged from size 10- size 22 and everyone was happy cobered and comfortable.

I think your sis needs to give her head a wobble. What a cow saying you would be left out of those photos!! Its time to assert yourself. "Sorry I am not wearing a dress whilst 'onshow' that makes me look awful. Offer to pay for your own? If you tell us the colour I'll find you a nice flattering one OP!

I think she is looking at dresses deliberately to make her look better. I think you must refuse a strapless lemon dress (for example.) just say you are not going to made to look a complete idiot. if that is her idea, then ask someone else. It is not an option for her to decide that you must diet.
You could always have a spray on tan for the day, but the deliberate choice of an unsuitable dress is clearly intentional. or at best, unkind & thoughtless. Time to tell the prima donna that you're not playing

I was going to suggest a tan too. Don't let her put you in a dress that doesn't suit your shape, practice saying 'no, that doesn't work for me, sorry' Mum & daughter in the same dress is a stupid idea anyway

Yes, mum and daughter should have different style dresses, much classier, tell her that. I empathise with you, I'd hate to be a bridesmaid.

I get the gist too. Get yourself up to Rigby and Peller in London and get them to make you a corset. It's something you'll have for a lifetime and you WILL look better in that dress no matter about the colour. Take a swatch and go to a make-up stylist for some advice on makeup for the day. You will look your best, in spite of your sister's obdurate stance.

If she's just being blinkered about her expectations for the wedding then she'll be thrilled for you on the day that you look so fab - expect her to take the credit and smile serenely. If she meant anything else... then she'll stew and spoil her own day - not your problem, you will have done everything you needed to.

Don't do as suggested and tell her 'no'. If you're going to be bridesmaid and she's not interested in feedback on her choices, go with them. Anything else is rude. You've had your say and she's cracking on regardless... do you own thing behind the scenes and I promise you, you'll get plenty of wear from that corset, they are a j-o-y. :)

I can see what you are saying witch, but I can't agree, to spend the whole day feeling miserable, uncomfortable & ridiculed would not be an option, even with a great bra/corset. let her choose the strappy dress for your DD, & get something in the same fabric/colour, but another cut for you.

Witch: bloody hell. A CORSET!
Why on earth would anyone want to be squished and squashed into a corset?

No it's not rude to not want to wear what DSIS insists on.

The sister is being bridezilla and very nasty towards her own sister.

Thanks for all the advice, not sure I can stretch to a R&P corset. I need to speak to my sis I suppose. I think doing it via email once she goes home will be easier. I think she'd be surprised to know how insecure and upset I am. I don't give off that persona. At all.

Ugh this story is familiar and I don't get this whole expectation that bridesmaids should expect to look horrible.

When I got married I really liked the idea of light pink bridesmaids dresses. However when I thought about it I realised this colour wasn't that great on my sister or my friend so I told them to pick the colour and dresses they liked. They picked cerise full length dresses they felt comfortable and beautiful in and they look lovely in all the pictures. This whole colour scheme thing in weddings is nuts in my opinion, you're having a party and dressing people, not decorating a bloody living room!

I had light pink flowers in my bouquet and I was happy with that!

The posters who are disagreeing with me, I'm nodding my head at your posts, really. I suppose I'm going by my own experience and knowing what the females in my extended family are like it's very much grin and bear it if you aren't the bridge because it IS all about the bride, even the bridegroom doesn't get much of a say.

For me, my advice was based on shutting up the sister who seems to have her own agenda. No, of course OP shouldn't have to wear a corset, I was thinking of my own that I love and wear often, thinking she could wear it after the wedding if she wants to go strapless and look streamlined - I have massive boobs too.

I had visions of OP serenely standing next to her sister, looking (always beautiful) but utterly breathtaking in her horrible outfit, making it her own - and silently thumbing her nose at her sister and foiling her in her spiteful subterfuge.

I think I perceived that OP had already talked to her sister and sister had been difficult... that's where my advice came from. Sorry if I was wrong about that, OP. If you can talk to your sister and she won't use that private information against you then great - I hope you and she can find a gorgeous bridesmaid outfit for you and you can relax and feel beautiful in it.

nickers... yes, OP's sister is very rude and insensitive. No way would I give her more ammunition to hurt me. See my post for explanation on 'rude'. Brides rule in my family. Not me though, registry office, everyone wore what they want, no pressure and I wore navy blue. Had a lovely day.