When is enough enough?

[MillingtonBoo]

That's it, really. How do you know it's over? One big blow out row or a succession of events, rows, issues that finally overwhelm?

I ask because I'm in the second camp at the moment. If I didn't have children (18 months and 6) I would have walked away months ago on the basis of it all being too much. Life was hard enough with a new baby, me having PND piled on the pressure (made worse because DP didn't do a thing to help me get through it, saying I should just pull myself together) and going back to work full time has been tough. Then 13 year old DSS came to live with us full time about a year ago after being kicked out by his mum on account of his aggressive behaviour. He has poor attendance at school, few friends, makes no secret of his dislike for me and his young sisters, refuses to engage with family life and is generally moody and difficult to live with, for all of us. DP and I disagree on how to deal with him and the arguments about this go on and on. The latest one is whether DP should get him the decommissioned gun he wants - I try and remain calm whilst outling my concerns over his mental health issues, his aggression and talk about my concerns over the safety of the younger children. DP says he wants to encourage DSS to have an interest and that his obsession with firearms might be it and that it is perfectly normal for many boys to seek ownership of advanced weaponry (I'm paraphrasing a little). I simply look wide eyed at the man I fell in love with and wonder when he turned into such an idiot. Then I lose it and have spent the evening in tears, feeling trapped and in a whirlwind of ideas about where to go next with all of this.

So, when is enough enough? When have people stepped back and drawn that line?

As per your relationship OP, you sound like you've had more than enough but you feel you need permission for to draw the line.

I don't think many relationships end with one definitive row, they're more like death by 1000 cuts. The end comes when you get the strength to say 'no more cuts'.

He might well 'fiddle with it' - and there is one of my big concerns, namely 'What comes next?'

Your DSS sounds like a troubled lad (I concur with Attila in feeling sympathy for him) and yet his father does not seem to be thinking about helping him in some way but only throwing 'toys' at him to keep him quiet? (At least that's what it sounds like to me.)

That wouldn't help for more than a few hours of gratification (and I do think it would be that short) and then your DSS would be on to the next thing with his basic problems unresolved.

If your DP isn't prepared to talk about this with you in a calm and rational manner then I'd have to assume that he wasn't capable of it for some reason - and then take my kids and walk. Your situation sounds fraught with difficulty and I wouldn't risk my children in it even if I was prepared to risk myself.

Thank you everyone. I will reply more fully soon (phone battery getting low). In the meantime he has replied to the email. Here it is in its entirity: 'if you want it to be over just say the word millington, and we will call it a day and sit down and work out the arrangements'.

Looks like me putting my foot down was a deal breaker for him too. I haven't replied yet. Feel exhausted.

It's over isn't it? It's just that neither of you knew how to end it.

Sorry commented on wrong thread ! X

(Do you think you should start your own thread Pica? )

Ah!

I'm so sorry - that reply must have been awful to read. It reads as if he has checked out of the relationship. To give him the benefit of the doubt he maybe worn out by the the struggles in the relationship however he seems to lack basic empathy.

Does he have anyone around him who can provide sensible advice to him - like a brother or good friend? I wonder if he's more likely to listen to someone external who hopefully can see that he needs to hear your needs.

I'm sorry, Millington. It's like sitting at the bottom of a huge grey mountain and knowing that you've got to get up to the top and back again for seemingly little benefit isn't it?

It's over anyway. I hope you're not too tired and empty at the moment.

I'm sorry he answered you that way. You must be devastated, disappointed, exhausted. it sounds like you have lost each other, lost the respect and love you had. I am horrified by the decommissioned firearm thing, but putting that aside, it is time to start thinking about what is best for you and your daughters and how you want to live your life. Where is he that you are communicating by email? i am still working way back to the top after a similar disappointment. I have a 4 year-old dd and she is furious about our split and i'm getting her help. I DO believe we're better apart but I understand how much it hurts.