is she being unreasonable

[bandmum]

This will be long but I have a couple of questions at the end and I think you need background. My best friend Jill has a twin brother Tom. We have been friends since age 13, 35 years. I sent days on end with Tom and Jill during my youth. Other than 1 drunken new years kiss at age 17 Tom and I have always had a platonicr relationship.
We all went to different unis where we met our spouses and all married mid 20s. I moved to h's home town Jill and Tom came home. Through the 90s I only saw Tom and his wife Lisa at Christmas parties etc. Still spoke to Jill weekly. 12 years ago Lisa had an affair, Jill told me Tom was devastated, he was desperate for Lisa to havd him back. The affair ended after a year when Lisa's OM refused to leave his wife. Tom went running back to Lisa at the first opportunity.
In 2005 my h left me for OW and I returned to hometown. After about 1 year Tom and I became fb friends. He started messaging me about how I coped with my h affair and how I was getting on as a single mum. He started to tell me he was regretting going back to Lisa. He said he felt unloved and like she only had him back because he was better than no one. I don't think Lisa has ever known about these messages. Can I stress at no point were these messages flirty or inappropriate, only in the sense Tom was telling another woman about his feelings for his wife.
5 years ago I met dp. I began to invite couples around for bbqs, supper etc. I always included Tom and Lisa whenever I was inviting Jill and her dh. They never came to my house. Tom would bring his dcs to my dcs bday parties but Lisa never came.
Toms msgs continued and in 2011 he mentioned an old uni friend had joined his gym. About 3 months latrr I got a message saying he had fallen for this girl. She had told him she had realised they were having an EA and she was cutting all contact. He told me he was bereft and did I think he was crazy to leave Lisa. I told him I thought maybe this woman was just giving him the push to do what he had been talking about for years. I told him he needed to sort out his future with Lisa before contacting OW again.
2 weeks later Jill rang to say Tom had left Lisa and moved in with her. He started dating OM couple of weeks later. I met OW several times, she really did seem nice. After 6 month s Tom ended things with Om because he told Jill he still loved Lisa. He asked Lisa if they could try again. Lisa refused. After 6 months on his own he asked OW if they could try again. She agreed as long as he got counselling to deal with his feelings for Lisa. My contract with Tom at this time wss minimal I know this bit of the story from Jill.
Lisa met someone else around this time. Everyone seemed to be happy, Tom and OW Lisa snd her new man. But then Lisa new man turned out to be a bit of a player, she ended it snd suddenly decided she still lovrd Tom. Of course he dumped OW and went back to Lisa.
Last summer I split from dp. Got a lovely message from Tom, very kind and supportive. At Christmas I saw Tom and Lisa at Jill's house Lisa asked me where dp was, she obviously didn't know about split. On 5 Jan I received a msg from Tom saying he would have to unfriend me on fb and go nc as Lisa would not allow him to have single female friends at all.
I have had no contact with Tom since although still have lunch with Jill every week and catch up with any news.
Bringing this whole story up to date, last night I had an email from Tom telling me after 18 months back home he feels like he's back where he was in 2011. I replied that on 3 occasions he had made thd decision to back to Lisa and surely that must tell him how important she is to him. I then said he needed to remember that she didn't want him speaking to me.

thanks for reading all of this. So my questions are di you think Lisa is being unreasonable asking Tom to go NC with me, what should I do if he contacts again ie should bI just ignore him and finally does anyone think this marriage has a chance of a happy ending ?

Tom sounds like an idiot who doesn't know what he wants. There's no mention of the poor kids caught up in this utter shambles of a marriage and I feel sorry for them.

Personally I'd cut contact with Tom to zero unless you are both at same event and then make polite chit chat. Just leave him and his wife to get on with it.

I'd stay friends with the sister but try not to discuss her brother unless she brings it up but have a listening role rather than offering advice.

Just leave him be!

It sounds to me as if you have feelings for Tom that you aren't admitting. If that's the case, I would steer clear of him as he sounds like bad news!

I have no intention of contacting Tom just unsure whether to reply if he contacts me. I am very fond of Tom, although I do think he has been a prat over the years, there is absolutely no chemistry between us. The dd's were very upset during the first split, both seem much closer to Lisa than Tom. They are both in late teens now and seem fairly well grounded given what they have been through

Tom sounds like a fool and you would do well to stay out if it and just continue to get mad updates from his sister.

1. Yes I think she wbu to ask that of him. If the circumstances of your marriage compel you to impose restrictions on your spouse's freedom of choice, the marriage is a bad one and should end.

1. I think you should do whatever you like...offer him friendship or don't, depending on how sympathetic you are to his plight. I don't think Lisa gets to restrict your choices does she?

1. A happy ending? No. They might well stay together but I doubt they'll be happy. Both of them have made it quite clear they're really looking for something else.

I think your life must be bleak to expand this much energy on something so trivial.
Why are you asking a bunch of randoms what to do about a playground tiff.

DrMorbuis you are probably right in that if my life were more exciting I wouldn't have time to think about this. But it isn't. My gut feeling is this is not a good marriage, however they have both decided to stay in it. Because I am really only friends with one of the parties I wanted to get an unbiased opinion about future contact if any.

I don't know DrMorbius...maybe it's because chat forums are geared up to helping people to solve these sorts of quandaries.
You didn't have to reply if it didn't interest you.

I think you should respond to contact as you see fit. Personally I wouldn't be overly quick to lend an ear to someone who only contacts me to whine about their marriage, but I'm not you. You say you're fond of him so it's up to you.

Bandmum, knowing what you know, do you think their

He sounds far too much like irritating and pathetic hard work to me, to bother with.
I'm dizzy with the number of times he has yoyo pissed about with two women.
I'd steer well clear.

I think you want a try with him though.

It's not your job to uphold his promise to his wife, so if he contacts you then I don't think you should concern yourself over whether or not he is 'allowed' to by his wife. I understand why she is wary and if he agreed to cease contact with you then that's up to him, but you can do whatever you want. Whether or not you still want to be friends with someone who demonstrates a significant lack of concern for the happiness of his children who are no doubt having their lives thoroughly buggered up by all this back and forth is another matter, and whether his marriage is 'good' or not is not really anything you can or should concern yourself with either.

I would cut him a very wide berth.

Actually DoJo, I think you just hit the nail on thd head. Why am I worrying about him breaking his promise to his wife. He is a friend but not a desperately close friend, I don't want to be any more involved than I already am. If he contacts again I will just ignore.

In the words of Mr T He's a Crazy fool!!!
I'd reduce contact with them keep in touch with the sister.
Sounds like you really care for Tom and don't like seeing him hurt all the time even to the point that you have real feelings for him but are afraid what might happen and you'd rather stay friends instead of eting out your true feelings.

I thought you were going to say that he contacted you to declare his undying love for you after all these years.

Honestly I would leave him and all his to-ing and fro-ing to it.

I can't see what's in it for you whatsoever.

All this back and forth - they sound like teenagers to be honest. I can't see why you are getting involved in any of it. Just stay out. He can't defriend you on FB and go NC (and btw what a sign of a healthy marriage - not!) and then send you e-mails. Just ignore - he's the one that told you he was cutting you out of his life!

She IBU, and no.

Off to bed, thanks for the replies. I intend to ignore any future contact, unless I see him/them at Jill's house, where I will be polite.

no Lisa is not being unreasonable to ask Tom to go nc with you. you seem waaay overly invested in their marriage and in Tom himself.

Why does it matter to you whether a bunch of strangers on the Internet think their marriage has a chance of surviving?

What a constant mess Tom and Lisa create.

I would steer clear and would not want to have any part of their dramas. It sounds exhausting. And ultimately boring. It's the same thing over and over.

Have some Lovely romance of your own. Avoid this car crash. Be polite but avoid discussing this stuff with Tom or even Jill. It will bite you on the bum even though you're not even involved.