My parents are obsessed with their friends' children

[chocolateade]

My parents became friendly with a couple years ago when I was at primary school. This couple have 2 DCs; a girl a year younger than me and a boy three years younger than me. We are now all in our thirties.

I didn't have a very nice childhood but it was made even worse by my parents' obsession with their friends' kids, which has even carried on until today, as my parents and this couple are still good friends.

When I was a child, it was them saying things like the other children were better behaved than me, or were nicer than me, or were more fun than me. When we met up with them as a family, which we often did, my parents were always very affectionate to these other children, letting them sit on their laps and holding their hands, which my parents would never do with me. I would just basically be excluded and ignored, scorned a bit, and talked about.

Now I'm an adult, it's no better. During my pregnancies my mum showed no interest at all. Yet the wife of the other couple's son has just had a baby and my mum was so excited throughout the whole pregnancy and even went down to see them all when baby was a few days old. She has since gone on and on about how wonderful this baby is and how good the baby's mum is as a mother. Yet my mum does nothing but criticise my parenting.

The son of the couple has a pet cat. My parents are always going on about what a gorgeous cat he is and how lovely, yet they won't go near my cat and say my cat is ugly!! I know it sounds silly.

Plus I am always being compared to the other couples' children, constantly. Nothing I do is ever good enough but if my mum gets a birthday card from one of the other ones she goes on about it.

I am feeling like going NC with my parents over this, it has worn me down and I have had enough. I have tried to talk to my parents so many times but they have said I'm jealous!

So sorry OP. It's actually good that they've given you 'permission' to go NC. You now don't need to feel guilty (not that you should've done anyway) as they are the ones who said they don't want to see you anymore. They will soon regret it of course and realise the neighbours' kids are no substitute for their own.

Have you got support to get you through this period? I recommend a bit of counselling if you can manage to hold your hand a bit. Talk it through with someone who will (no doubt) reassure you that your parents' strange behaviour is through no fault of your own and you are much better off without them harming your happiness in life.

I'm no psychologist, OP, but I always think that people who constantly put their own children down are so convinced that they are failures that they have to destroy their own children to prove it.

My grandmother lived with us and was always comparing me unfavorably to my cousins, so I am so glad for your children's sake that you are going NC with them.

FriendsofBill Wow, someone who went through exactly the same as me. My father, too, would brush off his own DGC, while talking about other DC, from up the road, church, friends' DGC. It caused a big rift in our family and was the final straw of many other things, with DM not accepting that we didn't want father in our house ever. The legacy of the rift is still present now, among my siblings and me and DM.

OP, I'm glad this issue has been resolved for you. I am very sorry that your parents have caused you so much pain over the years, but at least you now know where you stand and can get on with your life without having this burden hanging around you. I wish you very much good luck in the future.

I had a friend at school whose mother did this. She once compared friend unfavourably to me while my friend and I and my mother were all present. My mother stood up for my friend by saying something very tart to friend's mother.

If it is any consolation to you, as onlookers we never thought the less of my friend when these comparisons were made, we only ever thought her mother was weird and deeply nasty.

Well done on sticking up for yourself, and setting yourself free.

Hi All,

My family is broken apart too, I have siblings and nephews I don't see.
Really all you can do is stop waiting for the apology/understanding/love you are not going to get...

Interestingly, my parents cut off both sets of their parents....I vowed I would ever do such a thing but it gets to the point where you grow up and have to put yourself first.
I haven't cut them off but see them rarely (1,2 times a year) for a short burst (1,2 hours) my mother openly dislikes my son too, from before he was born.

It doesn't really hurt anymore...I'm resigned to it.
I'm trying to be the parent I never had.
I must add, my mother was excellent in some respects.

Yes, well done OP!
It's very difficult to confront.

Move far far away!

OP do you have R L support to help you through this?

Well they have now been telling family members not to talk to me and that they hate me!

Ah yes - someone in a branch of my family did this when they fell out with their daughter. Resulted in a change of will of the grandmother which did not benefit them .

You will probably find that members of the family will talk to you if you talk to them.

dear me they really are painfully unpleasant people aren't they?

if you're lucky the family members will be aware enough to wonder what the hell is going on and to realise they are acting downright nastily. Doesn't always happen that way unfortunately.

But go to family gatherings that you're invited to, hold your head up high and chat pleasantly to the others.