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Original poster

Am I Being Unreasonable

13 replies

Lovemygirls2015 · 24/04/2015 08:14

I've been a lurker for a few weeks but have decided to ask all you good MN people for an opinion on a problem I have. Sorry if it's a long one.

My DH was born in Ireland but moved here with his parents when he was a few weeks old and have lived here eversince. Most of his Aunts, Uncles and cousins are all still in Ireland. He has only visited there a couple of times in the past 30 years and it's never seemed to bother him until now.

We have been invited to a few occasions there over the years but money, work and kids have made it too difficult to go. In March he went to a wedding with his mother and brothers and I stayed home because it would cost too much for me to go too. He then went back at the begining of this month with our youngest for 4 days with his 2 brothers, SIL and neice. I stayed home again as they were staying with family and I am a very shy introverted person and didn't want to stay with family and as the hotels were far too expensive I told them to go without me because I didn't want DD to miss out because of me.

His mum is 70 in August and his brothers have decided they want to take her back there for a weeks holiday and have a family party for her there which we are expected to pay 1/3rd of. I have no problem with paying for her party but the cost of the flights, car hire and hotel are costing way too much for us never mind the party costs and spending money we would need and would use up any savings we had towards a family holiday we were planning in October. It looks lilke the only way he can go is to for him and DD to go for a couple of days and stay with family but it will still cost a fair amount and will probably mean we won't be able to have the holiday later in the year.

His brothers are in a far better financial position than we are and can't see our side of things but I think what is annoying me most is that DH isn't saying he's not going but that he will only go if we can afford it which to me means if we forget the family holiday. It will also look bad if he doesn't go to his mums birthday dinner too.

Am I being selfish and unreasonable asking him not to go?

OP posts:

kissedbyamoonbeammyarse · 24/04/2015 08:19

Surely it would become your family holiday? Is it really because you don't feel comfortable with people you don't know well? Throw yourself into it, you will maybe find that you bond with your SILs. It's a lovely country. Fab place to holiday.

Quitelikely · 24/04/2015 08:24

It's a hard one. Have you said to dh if he goes it would mean you can't afford the other family holiday? Does he agree or think that you will still be able to afford it?

To some extent I do think you are excluding yourself from all of these trips or does he know that you can't afford it for the two of you and decide to go without you?

AuntyMag10 · 24/04/2015 08:24

I do think that

SunshineAndShadows · 24/04/2015 08:24

Why not tag on a family holiday in Ireland? You could have a week there as a family then go to the party at the end?

Penfold007 · 24/04/2015 08:27

Is this about the cost or about you not wanting to go

AuntyMag10 · 24/04/2015 08:27

Sorry posted too soon. I do think that you are being UR. You not going along the last time because you are introverted is something you are choosing to exclude yourself from.
It doesn't seem like you're even giving it a chance of getting to know his family. A 70th birthday is pretty big, so why not go and make this a family holiday?

Original poster

Lovemygirls2015 · 24/04/2015 08:34

It's not that I don't feel comfortable with them because I have met a few of them and get on very well and I would enjoy spending time with them it's the amount it would cost. We are budgeting for a holiday abroad in October during the school holiday and won't have the money to do it in August. I suggested to him that rather than go in April with DD we wait a few weeks and go when school breaks up that way we can plan what we want to do and not have to fall in with other peoples plans but he wanted to go with them even though he knew we couldn't afford to all go.

If he goes it would take up too much of our holiday money so the October holiday would be off and he knows that. I get on with my SIL but don't think I would want to spend a week with her. I'm not excluding myself because I want to go there on holiday as we have been together 30 years and have never been there together on a holiday, I would just like to be able to take time and plan it for when we can afford it and not be railroaded into something his brothers have planned that we can't afford right now.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lovemygirls2015 · 24/04/2015 08:41

Penfold it is only about the cost. We went abroad last October for the first time in 7 years and made a vow to save hard and have another this year.

Aunty I didn't go last time purely because it cost too much. When it was planned they were staying with family but they ended up with a cousins house to themselves which if they had planned ahead and I had known this I would have gone. I was really annoyed when I found this out.

They won't actually be there on her birthday and are having something here for her on the day so I won't be missing her actual birthday.

OP posts:

kissedbyamoonbeammyarse · 24/04/2015 08:44

You can't change the date of his mothers birthday. In 30 years you haven't been there together. It may be time now.
You could ask your DH for a savings plan? He could surprise you with something that works or realise you can't afford it.

Quitelikely · 24/04/2015 08:59

So he knows you can't go on the October holiday?

Did he say sorry but this birthday is really important or suggests something else

Bakeoffcake · 24/04/2015 09:03

I'd make the Ireland holiday the family holiday and forget the Oct one.

Original poster

Lovemygirls2015 · 24/04/2015 09:14

Thanks everyone for your replies. August is financially too soon as October was our aim so were saving towards that. We were planning on going for a long weekend in May but because of the wedding and the April trip that's not happening now.

It's not her actual birthday till the week later but they don't want to go that week because their DD birthday is that week so they've basically said that this is what's happening either come or don't.

I asked them back in January what they were planning for her birthday because I wanted plenty of notice to get things in place ie. hall for party but they said they were just taking her for dinner. They've never really bothered with any of her birthdays which always annoys me as I lost my mum when I was 18 and i've always thought they didn't make enough of her birthdays and mothers day.

This is them actually going on holiday but using her birthday as an excuse and that was my DH that said that himself. We will be planning a family dinner for her here on her birthday with her grandkids as none of them can go to Ireland either due to work commitments.

Bakeoff I would have done that if they had told us earlier in the year before DH spent a lot of money going the past two times.

Quitelikely he hasn't said sorry, he hasn't actually said much other than he knows we can't afford it but knows that I won't let him miss her birthday dinner with them and will tell him to go.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lovemygirls2015 · 24/04/2015 09:16

Kissed I completely agree it is time we went there together. He's never been bothered about going back until last year when he went for a weekend and that's when we said we would go in May this year and see some places together that he's never seen either. We already have a savings plan so he knows we can't afford both.

OP posts:

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