WWYD? So Confused Right Now

[TooMuchJD]

DH & I been together for 9 yrs, married for 8, 2 DC, 1 DC from prev. marriage (mine). Early marriage v. rocky, DH no idea how to live away from parents, immature and I gave too much of myself away to please him, DV incident 3 yrs ago, police involved but no charges & DH undertook anger management and has made efforts to change,
Plodded along for 2 yrs, good days/bad days, 2 lots of relationship counselling, came close to separating on more than one occasion.
I feel that my patience has finally run out and whilst I appreciate that he has made efforts to modify some of his behaviours (doesn't go out on all night drinking binges so much anymore) I feel I have lost all respect and tolerance for him and his mood swings/bad temper/selfishness/self absorbed behaviour. eg. will book his hols when me & DC are working & at school so he can have a proper break; will do cursory housework when off but moans if asked to do anything specific or out of the ordinary; moans when I take kids away for day during the school hols as he's slaving at work; feels that he should pay less than half towards household bills as we get tax credits and they should be used for that so he can have more of his wages for himself which he squanders on more stuff for himself.
I started new job 12 mths ago, went from working 2 days to 5 days a week, still do 95% of the housework/childcare I did before, new job has given me new perspective and thrown light on just how unhappy I am in our marriage. He regularly voices how unhappy he is but attempts to discuss it generally end in him shouting and bawling because I don't see things the way he does. Attributes statements to me which I have no recollection of; claims i haven't discussed stuff with him when I know that I have and when i go into detail about when/where conversation took place he just fudges the issue and calls me a liar (is happy to this in front of DC). I sometimes feel I should record all our conversations just so I can have evidence.
His relationship with DS1 from prev. marriage has always been a problem but a lot of the issues we are experiencing now stem from his crap behaviour in the 1st 4 yrs so now DS & me feel we have to be secretive in discussing anything, especially if it involves his dad. This then leads to being deceitful about stuff and makes more issues. Have tried to bring this into the open but DH then goes all Alpha male (my house, my rules).

I am not wholly blameless and can see that my past actions and the way I deal with things now are not perfect, I find myself overthinking things and then become indecisive about how to handle the, forget what I have promised myself I'll do next time iyswim??? Just so confused about if it is more him or if the things he says about me are really true and I am just so blinkered i can't see it, maybe I am the selfish one? Sorry for venting and not making much sense :(

If you've been in here a while you will already know but look up gaslighting and stonewalling.
What's your next move?

you are being gaslighted

thinks he is clever, don't he ?

How on earth can you deal with it? I couldn't :(

Still no meaningful conversation.

AnyFucker & hellsbellsmelons Have read everything on here in re: EA, Gaslighting etc. and he has elements of both. Not entirely convinced that he does either on a wholly conscious level, he truly believes that he has a rough deal and that as he works full time and is part of a "family" that his life should be easier/better/more free than it was when he as living with his parents. He has never been independent, simply swapped living at home to living with me & DS1, has never had to stand on his own two feet.

Scarily on the EA front I recognised some things that I too have been guilty of.........which has made me wonder if maybe I'm as dysfunctional as he is???? really feeling fucked up right now.

It makes more sense now, knowing that he went from his parents house to yours.

He wants all the benefits of living at his mothers, washing done, housework done, lie ins every weekend, the freedom to go out when he likes, spend what he likes coupled with sex on tap and the ability to say "Its MY house now so MY rules".

The best thing you can do for both of you is to kick him out.

Seriously.

He needs to learn to fend for himself, something he clearly has never had to do. The comment about not paying half of the bills is very telling, its like a young adult living at home and complaining about having to pay board.

You and his parents have both been used as barriers between him and the reality of life. I suggest you remove yourself from being that barrier and make him face the big ol' world all on his own.

And regarding Emotional Abuse, I think most people say things that would be construed as abusive if, and this is the important thing, it is constant and on going.

If you say to your H "You are such a fucking idiot!!!" when you are in the middle of a row and you are frustrated at his apparent inability to understand what you are saying then thats not abusive. Saying it constantly, whether in a heated argument or not, when he made a normal mistake in an every day task say, parking the car or tripping up the stairs or losing keys, and you say it to the point where he feels useless and belittled, that IS abuse.

Saying abusive things in the heat of the moment that you wouldnt dream of saying them otherwise, and are ashamed of saying when you have calmed down, is totally different to being an abuser.

Do you say it all the time? Do you deliberately say things that you know will hurt or attack him just because you are in a pissy mood and want to be horrible to him? Do you see him as your verbal punchbag when you have having a bad day?

Can I ask what you saw in him in the first place?

He sounds utterly horrendous. Do not confuse yourself with what you may or may not have done wrong; you are very unhappy and he has not changed nor will he change, you know the best thing for you to do for yourself and your DC is end it as soon as possible.

Not entirely convinced that he does either on a wholly conscious level, he truly believes that he has a rough deal and that as he works full time and is part of a "family" that his life should be easier/better/more free than it was when he as living with his parents.

Oh yes, this one definitely is in the Bancroft book! The parable of the boy who has grown up believing he owns a field. Check it out.

"My house, my rules" is kind of crap, you know. It's the house of both of you and the rules should be the ones you have jointly agreed. He is not the centre of the universe and you and kids are not part of the furnishings.

(Am intrigued by the secret discussions about his dad, suspect there is a whole other volume of issues there... but don't say if you don't want to, I'm just being nosy!)

Bogeyface thank you for the clarification, I am very mindful of what I say on a day to day basis, I would consider myself to be "irrationally pissy" for one week in four but again I am aware of my short fuse at this time so try to curb any venting at this time (apart from occasionally at the dog :(). Don't get me wrong, if either of us did something really daft then we would take the piss a bit. This is a conversation I've had with DH as he can take it too far with the DC.

Have tried have conversation today about everything and I'm more confused that ever. Either he is really really good at fleecing me or some of the stuff he is saying must be true and he really feels that I have been a bitch to him. I can't discount his feelings, if he feels it, he feels it. Started out that there was no way forward together if I won't/can't change my negative attitude towards him, he has changed and is not as bad as he used to be, I was responsible for ending it, he won't be able pay any of the bills whilst he's saving to move out, how was he supposed to start all over again at his age (we're in our forties) then moved onto Mr Reasonable, hes working hard in a dead end job he hates to provide for the family, can't do right for doing wrong, ended unresolved with me not knowing my ass from my elbow and feeling guilty as hell.

That's how it goes, have come close to separating on several occasions and all have ended with me feeling guilty and him being Mr Lovely for a while. Again I don't feel any of his behaviour is conscious, he isn't purposely this way. (Has narc parent, see a LOT of learned behaviour). Don't want this passed onto DC :(

Not always so easy to just kick him to the curb. What did I see in him at the beginning....hope and happiness, had been friends but realised that I didn't know him as well as I thought I did, judgement has been fucked ever since.

he has changed and is not as bad as he used to be, I was responsible for ending it, he won't be able pay any of the bills whilst he's saving to move out, how was he supposed to start all over again at his age (we're in our forties) then moved onto Mr Reasonable, hes working hard in a dead end job he hates to provide for the family, can't do right for doing wrong, ended unresolved with me not knowing my ass from my elbow and feeling guilty as hell.

Lets break that down.

he has changed and is not as bad as he used to be

If a man was in court for GBH and his defence was "I used to be a murderer, you cant convict me because I am not as bad as I used to be" would you let him off? Of course not. "Not as bad as I used to be" doesnt automatically mean acceptable and non abusive.

he won't be able pay any of the bills whilst he's saving to move out, how was he supposed to start all over again at his age (we're in our forties)

He is using the threat of withdrawing all financial support to manipulate you into staying with him. He knows that the thought of not being able to feed the kids or pay the bills is a big issue for you and is using that against you. What he doesnt know is that you will get benefits and tax credits as long as you can prove that you are living seperately, even if you are under the same rood.

The age thing, a guilt tactic. He doesnt actually have to start all over again, he has to move on, but he doesnt want to so it trying to make you feel bad so he doesnt have to. I predict that if you stop doing his washing, cooking etc (as you will have to if you share the house and claim benefits as a single person) he will start looking unkempt, stop eating properly, wander about looking depressed. This is all designed to suck you back in. DONT FALL FOR IT, its the oldest trick in the book.

hes working hard in a dead end job he hates to provide for the family, can't do right for doing wrong

More guilt based manipulation. "I did it all for YOU! and you dont care, you are just throwing it back in my face!"

It comes down to the fact that his life is just as he wants it and he will do anything he can to stop you changing that. He doesnt love you but his life will be far more difficult without you. He will have to do all those inconvenient things like wash his own pants, pay his own bills, cook his own meals.

If you kick him to the kerb now then there is a chance he will make a man of himself. If you dont then I hope you are ok with being married to a stroppy Kevin (the teenager) for the rest of your life.

Although I should say that my second to last sentence....

"If you kick him to the kerb now then there is a chance he will make a man of himself"

is unlikely to happen, but there is a chance, it definitely wont happen if you allow him a free ride.