Was he rude

[ZombieZoo]

I've a 2.5 yo and a 6 week old. The HV visited and asked about 2.5 yo potty training.
I didn't want to start potty training but DC1 took it upon herself so I have just let her lead. If she wakes up and wants nappies I let her and if she wakes up and wants pants I let her. The HV said no it's not her decision you need to take the reins. I felt offended which im aware is sensitive.
When she left I said to my DO in annoyed at HV as I know what I'm doing RE potty training. I then said im
Feeling really sensitive. He said loudly and abruptly. "You have to stop taking everything people say like that,and if you tired just put it down to that" I started crying as I feel like he's not understanding of how I feel. And the DC1 was aware that I had a reaction to what Dpsaid.
Ok writing it down has made me realise how silly this is!! How sensitive I am. But do you think he should have been more caring?

Not DO I mean DP

yes, he should have been. There was no need for him to be loud and abrupt at all. If he is motivated by concern, his tone should reflect that.

Are you very sensitive and taking everything 'like that' (I assume to heart or getting upset?) that's very common after having a baby. Your hormones are all over the place, as you know.

It might have been a bit insensitive but tbh he also might have a point. Postnatal hormones and tiredness are a poor combination when it comes to taking offence.

Ignore the HV, potty training is going just fine. Your DP can help your tiredness by chipping in with helping more if possible and put his money where his mouth is .

Is this how he generally is or do you think he's a bit stressed himself? You said yourself you were feeling sensitive. IMO the only response to that is, Oh dear is there anything I can do to make things better? But, if he's tired and stressed he may feel unable to help and so snapped because he's at a loss. What do you think?

He is like this a lot when it comes to emotions. I'm kind of thinking we don't work because of it. His family sweep emotions under the carpet whereas my family ride them all out. So I cry when I feel like it, I talk about how I feel. But he finds it hard and tells me to stop and not worry but always quite harshly.
I'm finding it hard to think of another example right now.

I have said to him in past that he needs to be more understanding and not have a practical approach just a sympathetic ear.

No, I don't think he was rude. I was expecting you to say that he too undermined your parenting choices like the HV did, but he didn't. It seems that he instead told you not to take what she said personally. That sounds like sound advice, when you're feeling upset about something that someone has said.

This sounds more like a case of you not liking his tone, and not feeling strong enough to let it bounce off you at the time.

You could tell him that you appreciate his advice, but you could do with a gentler tone, maybe?

You sound like you're handling your DC's potty training just fine, btw. It's your choice, and it's yours to own, whatever the HV says. Don't hesitate to feel confident about your own choices.

x-post.

You want sympathy, and he offers to fix things instead. Those are both perfectly valid ways to tackle problems and emotions, but you're right they can be incompatible and lead to hurt feelings and bewilderment on both sides.

Rather than telling him that in general "he needs to be more understanding and not have a practical approach just a sympathetic ear", tell him in the moment.

Preface your explanations about the thing that upset you with something like:
"I'm upset, and I need to talk about. Please just listen to me moan and give me a cuddle."

And then moan. And get your cuddle.

You may both get better at it with more time and practice.

You too, when your DP tells you about any of his problems, could ask him: "Do you want sympathy, or do you want my advice?". (He might learn to ask you the same)

What great advice Goats and others.
Also glad my idea of potty training is ok.
I'm more sensitive at the mo. And even now, a few hours later, ive forgotten about it and feeling like I was analysing situation too much. Will follow advice on asking for the right reaction and will keep eye in how often his does this just in case he is being a rude bugger