Adults whose parents divorce

[applegrumble]

Have NCed for this (naked panpipes, Pom bears etc). I'm a bit scared I may be misunderstood and flamed.

I don't understand why adults from happy families are upset when their parents divorce. I find myself thinking: but you still have two parents who love you, why isn't that enough? I'm not saying you shouldn't be upset. I just don't really get it. I don't understand. And I would like to understand, because I think it's a bit crap that I don't.

I grew up in an abusive home (DV, etc) and used to wish my parents would divorce. I ended up in care for various reasons and do not now see my parents. So I haven't come from a loving family or a secure childhood home. I can't imagine wanting my parents to stay together.

I kind of have an idea of why it might be upsetting if your parents divorce when you're an adult, but all I can do is imagine, as I don't really know. A friend recently told me that her world fell apart when her parents divorced when she was in her mid-20s, and I don't get it (though I haven't told her that). Another friend is going through this now and I'm trying to be supportive while inwardly failing to understand.

If you had a nice, happy childhood, why does it matter so much if things change later? I didn't have that world to start with, I've been living without it my whole life. She still has parents who love her so what does it matter if they don't live together? I know that's not quite right, so I'd like to understand.

Is it because you don't want your parents to be hurt? Because you won't be able to see them at the same time? Because it changes your perspective of your childhood memories? Because if your parents are in love it's nice to be with them?

Please be gentle. If you're thinking: can you really not imagine why? The answer is no, I can't, I've tried and I don't get it. I'm not trying to upset anyone, I just would like to understand.

My parents divorced when I was 26, and it really ripped me apart. After 6 months together they were 5 months pregnand with me and married, so I felt like my whole life had been a lie and they only stayed together because of me (a mistake.

It happened a few years ago now so I have moved on from the hurt, but I'm still upset for my mum, while my dad has moved on and had girlfriends and now is living with his new partner, my mum is stuck, not much friends and on her own still.

I think you really do have to have been in the situation to understand it.

I also think it hurt me more because I had just had my daughter so had visions of her having grandparents who were happy together and that was taken away from her too.

I think it depends very much on the reasons for the divorce, and how much of an insight into your parents relationship you did or didn't have.

If you imagined everything to be great and happy (or it was) it can be shocking and upsetting to find out things weren't like that, or are no longer.

If there's been an affair, it can be shocking and upsetting to see one party behaving in new and different ways, or the other very hurt, betrayed, upset.

Some parents can be very (maybe too) supportive of adult children, that can suddenly reverse.

My parents divorced in my late twenties. It wasn't a shock, more of a relief, it was a long time coming. It was mildly upsetting at the time, and just required me and my siblings to give a lot - both parents needed support, in different ways.

But then I knew a lot - probably too much - about my parents marriage.

I had a friend at university who's parents divorce just as we graduated. Her mum had discovered that he'd been having multiple affairs for years. I can understand why she found that very shocking and upsetting: her Dad wasn't the person he'd been pretending to be, and by extension, neither had her childhood.

Adult divorcing parents can be just as bad if not worse at being disrespectful of appropriate boundaries. e.g. my friend's father expanding to her how sex in his marriage was inadequate for him, so that she would understand his actions.

My parents' issues where different, but both of them, especially my Mum, drew me in far too much looking for support, guidance, counselling from me (both before and after) which she really should have been seeking elsewhere.

I understand none of this maybe compares to your life story. But emotional hurt isn't relative: If you slice your finger open today, it doesn't hurt any less because you (or I) had a leg crushed last year.

I suspect that for many people it simply rocks their world view. They may give the appearance of being inependent and mature but deep down they still think of 'Home' (ie not their mother or father as individuals) as a place where things will stay much the same, where they'll alway be welcomed and which will always be there for reassurance in times of trouble or insecurity.

A divorce means that that will be taken away from them - but there are other possibilities that would do the same thing eg if Mum and Dad suddenly decided to sell the family home and spend the proceeds on a boat to cruise the world at their leisure. There can be real ructions in families if parents decide to dispose of assets in some way for their own benefit and many of those are down, I think, to many children/people simply disliking change. Change forces people to adapt when they may not be ready for it.

Those are only initial thoughts though.

My parents separated and eventually divorced when I was in my mid twenties. Like Books I felt like my whole life had been a lie, I thought my parents were happy as most of the arguments were hidden from me and I had no idea my Mum felt the way she did until she moved out. The shock felt like someone had died.

It was completely devastating and ripped the whole family apart. My Dad was very bitter and blamed me because I was really close to my DM and he thought I had known she was planning to leave. Everything I thought I knew changed in an instant when my DM left.

I suppose its hard to deal with at any age but I honestly think it would have been easier if my DM had done this when I was a child, that way I would have been brought up at least knowing the man my DM left to be with. Its still really odd hearing my DM talk about some of her extended family most of whom I have never met.

My parents divorced 3 years ago after my father had an affair and I was the one who found him out. I had to tell my mother in order for her to confront him. This was 3 months before my own wedding. I was 22.
Not only did it shake my belief in marriage, I found that I couldn't trust my father, who should be the one man you can always have faith in to be honest with you.
I then had to be the sole support for my mother, who at 55, had been left alone, just as she was ready to retire and enjoy her life with her husband of 26 years. She was left adrift, with no knowledge of the financial side (my father had always dealt with this) and no one to turn to if anything went wrong.
It made me very angry that my mother was being punished when all she had done was put her love, trust and effort into a marriage that had been taken away for the sake of an office fling.
Divorce of parents at any age is upsetting, depending on the reasons, and if it is one sided decision. It kills me that my beautiful mother is unlikely to ever trust anyone enough to form a relationship as she's getting older and needs companionship more than ever.

I love both my parents and want what's best for them, that wasn't them being married.

They liked and respected each other but split because they weren't each other's one true love.

As much as I reasoned as an adult, I still felt like a child when mum warned me she was leaving dad.

As much as my emotions were mixed, I'm glad they split and should have done it years before as they modelled friendship as being marriage. Let's just say my early adult years were a little squiffy when it came to my attitude towards my male friends and relationships.

I'm sorry that your childhood wasn't the one you deserved.

I had a relatively happy childhood, but given the ridiculous over sharing and emotional leaning on from my father during their divorce (just after I had gotten married and I had my first child) most of it was built on lies. Which is disgusting. And my father behaved like a complete arsehole which is never pleasant. Does this aid your understanding?

I was in my early 30's when my parents divorced althogh my father had had affaisrs for a lot of their marriage.The 1st I knew about was when i was 16-great age to see the main model of adult relationships most kids have explode.

I was not relieved when they divorced.Why?
a) becase my father pretended he'd never done anything wrong and started talking about his next family. I thought that he already had us 4 & hadnt apreciated family life.Werent we enough for him or good enough for him? --

b)My mother after their separation completly rewrote the story of our family life.Having been the 'perfect' nuclear family hardworking father,SAHM, all perfect home skills etc etc. She then decided she'd never been happy anyway & all our memories of our childhood were wrong.

I wasnt devastated by their divorce, just pissed off at their emotional incompetencve and my mothers rewriting of history.It's as if I was now not allowed to have had a happy childhood. Any reminiscences are still (and she's 80) interrupted by her making some bitter comment about my fathers inadequate or wrong behaviour at the time I'm remenbering

I dont have much respect for either of my parents actually

my friend's father expanding to her how sex in his marriage was inadequate for him

Urgh, my mother told me when I was 16 that my father had never entirely satisfied her.I put up with that as I thoght I had to support my mother.

Now i realise how completely out of order she was.So was my father by escaping from family life by having an affair

Thanks for your replies. I want to be clear that I'm absolutely not trying to compare, or rate, emotional pain. I totally get that it can be painful, devastating, etc, I just lack the points of reference to understand why. I'd been thinking about it for a while, and it only dawned on me today that if your parents have been happy together then that is something you'd lose, that it makes a difference if they're together and interacting with each other. Hadn't thought of that before.

I think I'm jealous, if I'm honest. Because my parents should have split up and didn't; and because I know some children of divorcing parents who have nice step-parents and therefore have more people in their lives who love them; and because divorce is something people sympathise with, whereas my kind of history generally just makes them really uncomfortable so I don't share it, and it's hard hearing people say their childhood felt happy but now it seems different to them because they were happy at the time regardless of how they feel about it now.

But I don't claim to be in more pain, or to have a crushed leg rather than a sliced finger, I'm sorry if it came across like that.

To be honest, this feels like a completely different world. People who trust their parents, who wait until they are adults to discover that they are not perfect, who think of home as a safe place.

It's not just the divorce - it's all the crap that follows it. I think many of us who have been through this have experienced some or all of the following;

1. Realising that one parent has been lying for years about one thing or another (affairs, how happy they were, etc.)
2. Suddenly been thrown in the middle of 2 feuding parents - being used and manipulated.
3. Parent's over sharing about the breakdown and suddenly behaving like they are the child and demanding to be looked after.
4. Suddenly having to deal with new partners and all the extended family crap that comes with it.
5. Never having a happy family get-together ever again.
6. Having to walk a tight rope when organising any significant family event (births/weddings etc).
7. The long lasting conflict between family members as people take sides.
8. Questioning your own ability to be happily married for life.
9. Having to explain to your own DCs that the GPs don't love each other any more - and why that will never happen to their own mum and dad..

I guess if the split is perfectly amicable, all parties are happy with new partners, everybody gets on and life is better, then your question is valid. But as far as I can see that never happens. Parents splitting up is just like a bomb going off in the middle of the family with damage everywhere you look.