DH always seems irritable around me...

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...just lately. Either I chew my food too noisily, or wash the dishes too loudly or (tonight) we went out and I asked the barman to name all the different flavour crisps before I chose cheese and onion (apparently I shouldn't have put the barman through that, it was unnecessary - and yet it was a village pub and the barman had bugger all else to do)and he rolled his eyes when I asked the landlady whether her dog was a cross or a pedigree - and yet she spent a half hour after that chatting about dogs to us after that so was clearly delighted to have been asked.

He frequently is like this and then when I bugger off out of his way for an hour or two he will come up and tell me he loves me soooo much. Wtf?

He has always been eccentric and a hermit. He doesn't have any real friends and is definitely someone who finds fault in people where I see the best. I do love the old bugger, we have been together 8 years and still have so much joint vision and he inspires me and I know that me and the kids are his world.. but does anyone else experience this sort of thing? It makes me feel like c**p at times!

Will have a look at the questionnaire in a minute but I think he is a highly sensitive person - so am I. And we are both lacking in inner confidence and he is now reeling from my "go" at him, I can tell.

I know for me it is partly because I grew up walking on eggshells around my stepdad who was emotionally (and occasionally physically) abusive to me and I just don't want to do it anymore, in my own home, in my adult life. I don't see why I should put up with it, but I am going to tell him to "f off" in future.

What upset me most about last night was that I always enjoyed going out with past bf's because they always seemed (inexplicably) proud to have me on their arm and I liked the glow that goes with that when meeting other people. I can't stand the thought that he doesn't value me, and thinks I talk crap. And yet when we first met we used to have rows which were because I was confident and socially liked and he felt he was scared of losing me (all his family have said to me that he felt he didn't deserve me - which I can't understand and didn't then, because he is lovely really.).

Just looked at the questionnaire and have thus decided that my DH is a Highly INsensitive person !
Is there a test for that?

Mine was too, way I ate, way I stacked the dishwasher, everything. Then when we talking about things after I said I wanted a divorce he couldn't accept there was anything wrong. He needs to learn not to treat you like that.

Yes but who is going to teach him? I have made a really big deal out of it today, have been out with kids on my own this morning and to the gym while kids asleep and have just come home and told him I am not going to his works Xmas party and am going to spend more time going out with friends who like me for who I am.

I know he thinks I am overreacting but trouble is I let something go on for so long and then I expode. He can't see how much he spoilt my night last night, I was so looking forward to going out, having a laugh and I I had such a horrible evening, all because he kept picking on me. I can't help but think what a laugh I used to have when I went out with past bf's and how proudly they used to look at me when I was out with them. Also there are blokes at work who show an interest. I would never go down that route but....

I know he doesn't really want to be on his own, he hates it when I go out and rings me all the time when I am not with him. It's just when I am with him that he grumps at me...

I have a different perspective from people still married because we divorced. I'm sure however that other people manage to cure these things. I don't think my ex husband genuinely realised that the things he said, the negativity, the critcism ( I think there was nothing I did that he was happy with) were unacceptable. He probably thought it was his way and I understood that was just how he was if he ever thought about it at all. I didn't tend to complain anyway for years so he was led to think it was okay (until he got much much worse).

I remember one time not long before we parted when I was out with him and work colleagues of his and just joking about something and he made me come home.(Mine by the way is fairly sociable so not quite like yours, although a bit in my view on the autistic spectrum in some respects).

I would have thought both going for marriage counselling might be more effective than you going out with work colleagues in terms of marriage repair. Could you record what he says and play it back to him too?

Just done the test and it is me who scores highly actually - I really think he is just an intolerant person. He is also totally unable to be spontaneous, so i also am never able to say "come on, lets take the kids to..." on the way home from anywehere.

I know Xenia, you are right. I am just acting hurt and he knows it (although i would like to go out with work colleagues more, they always ask and I always say no because I know DH really doesn't like it much when I go out without him - and, if I'm honest, because I am usually too exhausted). Tbh, me and dh really are each other's world and he tells me that a lot. It is strange, because he can pick on me and two hours later tell me how much he loves me.

I think what has happened today will sink in with him. We are still evolving, and we have always managed to overcome problems in the past -usually by episodes like this. He does listen to what I say, it kind of sinks in over time. And next time I say "stop picking on me" he will be more aware of what I feel when he says things.

One possibility is that he is actually quite introverted and needs more time to himself. I think for introverts (doesn't necessarily mean shy, but just needs time by himself) being in someone else's company for too much of the day makes them stressed and irritable. When you have kids it is very hard to find "quiet time" to switch off.

It might help to have structured activities away from him, and to give him time and space by himself. It might not be you that's irritating him, rather a general feeling of malaise and wanting to shut himself off. They reckon women have more "words" per day than men, so maybe he hasn't got the same capacity to have conversations as you do. That would make sense when he is criticising what you are saying as being irrelevant. He is just unable to hold the conversation and wanting to get away.

DH and I have specific times together in the evening, but for the rest of the time tend to ignore each other and do our own thing round the house. It works for us, and we are fairly self-contained in the way that you sound.

I think you need to make yourself a bit scarce. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, etc. Park dc with him and disappear off to do mysterious womanly things without him

Has he got a lot of stress/big problems at work at the moment?

Thanks, that's useful. He is introverted and definitely likes his own company, and we usually co-exist really well in the way that you do GoingQuietlyMad, I quite like that he doesn't need my attention all the time and I certainly don't need his or badger him to have conversations with me and am quite happy in my own company.

We honestly get on well a lot of the time for the above reasons, maybe he didn't really want to go out last night and just didn't say so, I was in a fun and happy mood and he just seemed to want to bring me down. I think he has got things on his mind to do with work. I just hate that feeling of having to creep around and not get in the way, I don't care if he is listening to something on the radio, I should be able to walk into my own kitchen when I want without him sighing. I guess it drags stuff up for me because I lived in an atmosphere like that for most of my childhood and it autmoatically makes me feel like I am just some slug that has crept out from under a stone.

Not sure we'd have divorced if he hadn't startd working for me, all that extra contact all the time just brought the problems out so the comment below rings true; setting up a way of doing things so your contact is reduced a little might help. On the other hand we had such separate lives in terms of only having the children on our own, not together that was that marriage anyway?

It is true, me and DH do spend a lot of time togther. Maybe he does just need more time to himself.

Anyway, he told me tonight he was just having a bad night, wasn't feeling very well on Saturday night but because we had cancelled the babysitter the previous week (DS1 was unwell, we have all had the flu) he didn't feel he could do so again. I told him he was crazy he should have just said if he didn't feel up to going out. He apologised for having said hurtful things and so did I cos I was quite nasty to him the next day.

Anyway, I went to get dinner going tonight and he was listening to the Archers and there wasn't one roll of the eyes or a single sigh!!! I know Rome wasn't built in a day but it's a start.

PS Xenia, that's sad, but it sounds like there were too many other problems to put things right?

Just thought those of you who have had similar problems may be interested to know that I went to counselling today and my counsellor thinks that it is DH who is easily humiliated because he was humiliated as a child (which I think he was for various reasons including his alcoholic father who still collapses in the street and as was I by my stepdad) so he gets easily embarrassed by things I do which aren't really embarrassing but because it is such an uncomfortable feeling for him he is forever on the lookout to make sure neither of us are causing anyone to tut and gossip or look down on him (me being associated with him)and I then of course get really hurt and humiliated by his comments because of the humiliation I suffered.

So I am going to speak to him about it and bring it into his awareness. The tutting and sighing and stuff my consellor thinks is because he can't just say directly that he is feeling a bit anti-social and would like a bit of space, which I would respond to well.

So I feel pretty excited today that I can start trying to change things a bit not least of all by trying to control my reaction and realise it is not because I am embarrassing but because he is easily embarrased.